What's the worst that can happen?

Hey boys,

I'm in a bit of a pickle here at work and I need some opinions on how much shit I'm realistically in. For context, I am a top-performing second year analyst at a BB.

At my bank we have a dinner policy that allows us to redeem any meal cost under $30. When I first started, I was pretty strapped for cash and so I took out a small loan to cover my rent, food, and a receipt machine. I started making meals at home and printing off fake receipts of various restaurants in the area in order to redeem all the extra cash I could. It proved to be a wise investment- I was able to generate ~$9k in meal revenue.

Here's where shit goes downhill:
One night when I was out for drinks with a fellow analyst, I spilled the beans about the receipt machine and he begged to use the machine so he too could earn some extra cash. Of course I agreed because I figured I had everything to lose... he could have easily foiled my plan by telling others.

Fast-forward 1.5 years later, and this dumb fuck. who I will give the alias of "Cletus," gets caught. It turns out that Cletus tried to redeem the cost of a steak from Mastro's that was far too rare and moist to have a value below $30.

Both Cletus and I are now scheduled to meet with the business manager on Friday. I have not yet devised a plan on how to behave in the meeting. However, before I plan each move I need to know: How fucked am I, really? Is this grounds for being let go? Or will I just have to owe all of my dinner redemption cash back?

I'm hoping someone with a similar experience can provide some insight.

Comments (126)

Jul 17, 2017

If Cletus spills the beans- sorry but you're fired. This was theft and you most likely won't have to pay it back but you're toast. The receipts are all going to look them same and it will be very obvious. Can't understand why he's taken you down with him.

Jul 17, 2017

Ya, this doesn't sound good for you. You might be safe though if you can say you paid cash from these local restaurants and you charged actual menu items for the exact price. If the receipts look close to identical to what they use at these restaurants then you can maybe talk your way out of it.

Or you can face the music, explain your situation, and resign before being fired.

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Jul 17, 2017

Fuck that, deny till you die pal

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Jul 18, 2017

This is always right. Unfortunately any nobility in telling the truth will get him fired...if he already isnt.

Jul 19, 2017

Deny till you die is an option. The more sophisticated option being "Deny, deny, counter-accuse."
Ex:
Business Manager: "Did you and Fetus falsify receipts?"
You: "What a preposterous idea, of course not! Only a sociopath could come up with such an idea. In fact, the word around the 9th floor is that you've been skimming a little of the top yourself!"

So then he either leans in and says "let's keep this scheme to ourselves" or he gets security to escort you out. I will note that I am 7/7 with this technique when my girlfriend accuses me of cheating. so, like, take that as you will. good luck j-peps.

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Jul 18, 2017

"wasn't me"

Nov 19, 2017
Django1011:

Deny till you die is an option. The more sophisticated option being "Deny, deny, counter-accuse."
Ex:
Business Manager: "Did you and Fetus falsify receipts?"
You: "What a preposterous idea, of course not! Only a sociopath could come up with such an idea. In fact, the word around the 9th floor is that you've been skimming a little of the top yourself!"

So then he either leans in and says "let's keep this scheme to ourselves" or he gets security to escort you out. I will note that I am 7/7 with this technique when my girlfriend accuses me of cheating. so, like, take that as you will. good luck j-peps.

So your girlfriend is cheating on you?

    • 1
Jul 24, 2017

And this is not the best response?

Jul 17, 2017

I wouldn't inquire about this on a finance forum. I would go into the meeting praying for the best and expecting the worst. I have a feeling you just were thrown under the bus by Cletus. He gets caught 'well I am not the only one, it was his idea' It never fails someone gets in trouble for something stupid and then everyone else gets screwed over by it. Misery loves company and when someone gets caught the dimes start to fall to bring more to the party. Hopefully you two didn't just ruin a good deal for everyone else.

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Jul 17, 2017

Never allow your friends to ride on the sick forex trading algorithm that you have created that can net you endless streams of gains. It just creates even more market efficiency. :D

    • 13
Jul 17, 2017

Shhh, only the elites that read business insider can know this information.

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Jul 19, 2017

hahaha +SB

Jul 17, 2017

Erm... yeah... to reiterate what others said on here:

  1. Yes, you're fucked. This isn't I spilled the milk accident. You stole from your company. That's about as big as a sin it gets at an employer. The only greater sins being stealing from clients and workplace violence.
  2. I would say your next most ingenious move was coming on to WSO with this particularly detailed story, because I'm sure employers at a huge BB never ever would browse WSO. Bravo Einstein. Bravo.
  3. Your only solution: Deny the FUCK out of this scheme and throw dumbass Cletus under the bus. If Cletus has no proof you gave him the receipt machine and method to do this little scam, then it's time to burn that bridge and try to save your own hide. If you admit to the scheme, they can your ass and your career is over. If you deny any involvement and act outraged you've been accused of stealing, there is a possibility they buy your story and you dodged a career ending bullet. Your biggest issue at this point if you deny the scheme is explaining why Cletus' receipts look awfully familiar to your receipts (like all of them) and figuring out how you can prove you actually made those charges when you didn't

Oh I forgot to answer your title question, "What's the worst that could happen?"

A: Not only do they fire you, they call the cops and have you arrested and prosecuted for theft. Employers do that sort of thing to people who steal from them to send a message to the rest of the world.

    • 26
Jul 17, 2017

Listen, it is just like Robin Hood. Steal from the guy that is paying you and give to yourself. It really makes perfect sense, "hey, he is willing to pay me 100, why not take an extra nine?"

    • 2
Jul 17, 2017

"Pigs get fat, hogs get slaughtered."

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Jul 18, 2017

Stole $9k that's a felony brother

    • 14
Jul 18, 2017

Yea I think, he should jump off the chair like me if anything goes wrong.

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Jul 19, 2017
DetRustCohle:

A: Not only do they fire you, they call the cops and have you arrested and prosecuted for theft. Employers do that sort of thing to people who steal from them to send a message to the rest of the world.

And then Business Insider picks up the story and publishes your name and photo everywhere, thereby essentially blacklisting you for life from the finance industry ala jeffrey chiang

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Jul 17, 2017

Goddamn... I had never heard of this jeffrey chiang before. That kept me occupied for a good half hour. That reminded me of Aleksey Vayner (RIP), but this Chiang character was definitely more bold to forge an offer e-mail for leverage. That takes some serious balls, lack of brains and an empty soul.

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Jul 17, 2017

Umm, well the worst that can happen is that your employer has proof that you stole from them, fires you, and then reports it to the police. I know of someone who did something similar to this, although they got caught because they attempted to sell the vouchers, and they were arrested.

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Jul 18, 2017

Business manager doesn't sound too formal of a title. More than anything they are hoping this is a one time thing. Don't give them cause to investigate further. Talk to Cletus and advise him for his sake to make up a good lie. Of course it will be for your sake too but don't tell Cletus that.

Jul 18, 2017

I almost don't believe this story. Why did you even tell Cletus anything? What was in it for you? If it was me (or anyone with half a brain), I would just let the story die with me. Secondly, are banker's paid so little they need to do something this stupid for an extra ~$30? Starting to reconsider my career goals.

In the case that this is true, I think you have 2 options. You can get together with Cletus to get your story straight, if both of you make up a good story, and they have no proof, you can both probably come out with a few scratches. But I'm assuming Cletus already threw you under the bus, so at this point just do what the others have recommended, deny, act outraged and then resign because you are so distraught that they accused you of something like this.

Jul 21, 2017

A second year analyst i had just met told me after 2 drinks at the social before my SA interviews that he had insider traded to feed his wifes shopping habit.

Stranger things have happened

Jul 18, 2017

You're 9.9/10 fucked. A buddy of mine audits companies and looks out for this, and apparently it's much more common than you'd think, but in almost every case they get the ax is what he said.

Jul 18, 2017

Damn, between this and Goldie's thread, is it Employee Malfeasance Month on WSO?

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Jul 19, 2017

Link to Goldie's thread, pls?

Jul 18, 2017

Deny deny deny. if it doesn't work say you own the receipt machine for a small business that you operate (then you need something to back it up, like say you make silk screen t-shirts) and let Cletus borrow it. if you don't like that say you use it to print receipts for your tax returns for write-offs for legit business expenses for which you don't have a receipt. If that doesn't work, unfortunately you're going to have to kill Cletus.

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Jul 18, 2017

LOL OP, merely posting this on a public forum shows you are in for a good life lesson.

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Jul 18, 2017

I honestly hope that you are trolling. If you are not, seriously how f*cking dumb are you?
Why on earth would you tell anyone about this?

    • 5
Jul 18, 2017

Much less post the story on a public forum...

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Jul 18, 2017

In addition to all of the above, you could get fired for cause and have a mark on your licenses. Meaning, it will be virtually impossible to work at a reputable firm ever again, as you would have to explain what you did to future employers.

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Jul 21, 2017

Solution? Create disreputable firm. Embezzle billions. Move to Russia.

Jul 18, 2017

kid is a top analyst at a BB and is going to risk his career for a couple grand. there's hope for non targets after all.

in all seriousness, FINRA doesn't fuck around with this, since you have a Series 7, your firm is under the spotlight if you falsify expense reports, so they will fuck you. Hard. like khaleesi in the first season of GOT hard. like you're zac efron and it's your first night in a federal prison hard. you could be barred from the industry by finra (meaning you can never work in finance again), but even if you're not, you will be blacklisted.

I normally say it's not the action that gets you in trouble, it's the cover up, but in this case, the action will fuck you. I'd seek the advice of an attorney, but you should probably deny. you're already guilty of doing something dishonest, so another crime of dishonesty isn't going to worsen your situation. if it was something benign, I'd say admit it, but admitting this isn't going to make the punishment any lighter.

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Jul 18, 2017

OP, you're fooked

Jul 17, 2017

Please be sure to report back when you get a chance. It will be interesting to see what all went down.

    • 1
Jul 18, 2017

I have no advice but I'm super proud of you for thinking of that.

heister:

Look at all these wannabe richies hating on an expensive salad.

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Jul 18, 2017

Thoughts on threatening Cletus with physical violence?

The actual worst case scenario is always death, and if you're cool with that, you got no fears in life.
And murder is a good solution a lot of times. Super hard to convict if they don't find a body. I don't have a prenup cause my wife knows I'd just kill her ass if she fucked me over, get rid of the body, disappear to Slavland for 5 years, claim crime of passion if ever caught, hire a nice Jew and take the 6 years.

Don't kill Cletus though. I'm just speaking generally.

heister:

Look at all these wannabe richies hating on an expensive salad.

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Jul 18, 2017

Wtf?

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Jul 19, 2017

I am not completely sure... but I think I admire you

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Jul 18, 2017

Don't hate on people named Cletus

    • 2
Jul 18, 2017

As has been stated the worst case scenario is some type of fraud charges that totally ruin your career over the cost of a well aged Honda.

Jul 19, 2017

"Hey, don't talk shit about aged Hondas."

--IlliniProgrammer

    • 3
Jul 18, 2017

Haha i actually drive a civic, and I wouldn't throw my career away for it.

    • 1
Jul 18, 2017

OP there is no getting out of this, you are totally screwed. I hope this is a troll post b/c i don't see how anyone can be so dumb to a) do what you did b) share it with others

You're screwed because you probably won't be able to hold out when the heat is turned up in the kitchen, and you're on the hot seat with HR. With the pressure on, only sociopaths can pull that shit off convincingly

    • 1
Jul 18, 2017

Double post

Jul 18, 2017

Handsome devils,

Sorry for the late reply. I've been pretty jammed up on a frothy sell-side. I really appreciate all of the advice and I believe the consensus is fairly strong that the only way out of this is to throw Cletus under the bus. I need to ensure I look like a saint while Cletus looks like the piece of shit he is. I'm not sure exactly how I'll do this, so any advice on this next move would be fantastic.

I'll also be taking the advice of deleting this thread, but I need it up and running for now so I can put together a strategic plan. Strength in numbers.

Welcome to the jungle.

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Jul 18, 2017

Did that $9k generate a significant enough return that you can resign and focus on buy-side recruiting/b-school? I assume you just passed your 1 year mark so you aren't a matured 2nd year?

Your experience may be a little light for an MBA, but if you are at a BB, you are a shoe-in for an MSF. Just don't fuck it up again.

Jul 18, 2017

hahah this post made my day. happy i am not him.

Jul 18, 2017

This post is so stupid it has to be a troll. You'd give up a career in banking for $9k? Are you fucking serious? Like you sitll say in your OP that it was a "wise" investment because you made $9k, which is something like 300 meals, which means you made an extra $9k in a fucking year and want to brag about it. You also had to buy food to cook at home, so that wasn't even your net. What did you net, like $5k? Like yeah sure I'd prefer a $55k bonus to a $50k bonus but that's not exactly moving the needle.

For what it's worth, a former analyst at the bank I worked at was doing something similar - he was getting all his "meals" for his family business (like an hour away) and pocketing the money. He was fired sooooooooo fucking fast.

So uh, yeah, you're fucked. And you work with a fucking moron.

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Jul 18, 2017
little-monkey:

This post is so stupid it has to be a troll. You'd give up a career in banking for $9k? Are you fucking serious? Like you sitll say in your OP that it was a "wise" investment because you made $9k, which is something like 300 meals, which means you made an extra $9k in a fucking year and want to brag about it. You also had to buy food to cook at home, so that wasn't even your net. What did you net, like $5k? Like yeah sure I'd prefer a $55k bonus to a $50k bonus but that's not exactly moving the needle.

For what it's worth, a former analyst at the bank I worked at was doing something similar - he was getting all his "meals" for his family business (like an hour away) and pocketing the money. He was fired sooooooooo fucking fast.

So uh, yeah, you're fucked. And you work with a fucking moron.

yeah I agree, this post sounds like a troll

OP's profile says M&A 2nd year analyst?

Those guys are fine for compensation. Also, most M&A guys are so damn busy that the time it takes to create receipts is too much time.

This has to be a troll post. But, it is a bit of an odd troll post, really random.

"If you always put limits on everything you do, physical or anything else, it will spread into your work and into your life. There are no limits. There are only plateaus, and you must not stay there, you must go beyond them." - Bruce Lee

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Jul 18, 2017

My favorite part is when you say

Johnny Peppers:

It proved to be a wise investment- I was able to generate ~$9k in meal revenue.

because it clearly wasn't. $9k means nothing in your total lost earnings from losing your job and being potentially barred from financial services.

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Jul 19, 2017

Kill Cletus, throw receipt machine into the Hudson.

"Admit nothing. Deny everything. Make counter-accusations."

    • 2
Jul 19, 2017

That is why you don't drink and spill the beans bro.

Jul 19, 2017

When was the last time you used one of your receipts for this scheme you had going? Am I reading it right that it was 1.5 years ago?

If you haven't used any of these receipts in a year and a half my guessing is that your company doesn't have them any more. Doubt they would keep them in all honesty. So they cant compare them for similarities with this other guy.

So in that case.... DENY, DENY DENY!!

    • 3
Jul 19, 2017

I'm pretty sure expense receipts are scanned and saved for audit/compliance purposes. The bank definitely still has them, you think they just throw receipts in the trash can?

    • 1
Jul 19, 2017

Scanned and saved somewhere for sure. Have to save them for audits.

Jul 19, 2017

He. Is. Fooked. -Conor McGregor

    • 3
Jul 19, 2017

Ha this was hilarious 10/10 troll post.

No way this is real, if it is -- you're finished bro, might as well resign now and maybe you won't have to disclose the incident when you apply to other firms.

Also, pray that they don't launch an investigation or you'll catch a felony.

Good luck, chief.

Best Response
Jul 19, 2017

A "receipt machine?" This reads like the plot of a 90's comedy

Paramount Pictures logo flash

Move trailer announcer in deep voice: "From the studio that brought you Tommy Boy"

Announcer: "Tony and Jeff thought they had it all figured out"

Tony and Jeff huddled in a copy room, open a box in awe "whoaaaa a receipt machine??"

Announcer: "But when the perfect crime goes up in smoke"

Bean counter staring incredulously at expense report

Announcer: "These two best friends will stop at nothing to dig themselves out"

Queue banjo music: Tony and Jeff running through an office park in chicken suits, driving a cop car through a golf course, somehow befriending the CEO of the company and crashing a country club wedding in tuxedos with the CEO

Announcer: "Don't miss the comedy event of the summer"

RECEIPT MACHINE

subscript "coming to a theater near you"

Jul 19, 2017

+SB for the bean counter

Jul 18, 2017

this was very well done

Jul 20, 2017

Bravo

Jul 24, 2017

I'm picturing the wedding as a weekend at Bernie's scenario.

Jul 19, 2017

Just have your friend say that the reason the steak was so cheap, is because you had a friend working there that night who hooked it up (or that you paid the additional cost in cash). Another option could be to say you were out on a date, paid in cash, and used the 30 dollars you're allowed to expense, to at least get some money back. OR you could say you were there at a dinner w/ a friend, who covered most of the costs

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Jul 19, 2017

Solid advice.

And naturally, coming from a senior consultant.

I'd hire this guy for an engagement.

    • 3
Jul 19, 2017

It really just depends on Cletus' story. If he said too much you're in deep shit. The fact that you're also being called into the office means it's less out of your control. Either way it goes I would start to look at other firms because when this is over whether you're deemed guilty or not your reputation takes a hit.

Hope this is a troll post. +1 if it is.

Work hard, work clean, & most of all do not give up.

Jul 19, 2017
consultant120:

Just have your friend say that the reason the steak was so cheap, is because you had a friend working there that night who hooked it up (or that you paid the additional cost in cash). Another option could be to say you were out on a date, paid in cash, and used the 30 dollars you're allowed to expense, to at least get some money back. OR you could say you were there at a dinner w/ a friend, who covered most of the costs

Exactly - what's with all the drama?

Honest question - is it standard practice to NOT have a company card in I-banks? I've done Deloitte Consulting, and you could expense up to $200 without a receipt.

Jul 19, 2017

Hope you like prison food...and penis.

    • 4
Jul 19, 2017

One and the same?

    • 1
Jul 19, 2017

lol this is a great troll post - both hilarious and also makes the reader feel good about themselves for being smarter than someone in a fictional story

Jul 19, 2017

Didn't happen

Jul 18, 2017

Boys,
Not sure why some of you are trying to downgrade my investment. I think it's important to think of this investment from a BANKER's perspective. Please see the attached.

http://imgur(DOT)com/a/ujHY2
As someone who is trying to save up for B School, or potentially purchase a BMW i8, my analysis proves my investment decision to be quite logical.

Welcome to the jungle.

    • 6
Jul 18, 2017

You don't need a bimmer bro that's stupid. Invest your money so you don't have to scam people for $30/day when you're 30. Selling drugs is a cool way to buy a bimmer. Scamming meal per diems is not.

heister:

Look at all these wannabe richies hating on an expensive salad.

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Jul 19, 2017

Damn, obviously a troll. Thought this was real for a few...

    • 4
Jul 19, 2017

Solid, solid troll.

    • 1
Jul 19, 2017

One of the best troll threads I've ever read. sb'd

    • 1
Jul 19, 2017

I would be walking into that meeting with $9k + interest in cash, ready to hand over.

    • 1
Jul 19, 2017

You're fucked. I hope your "Meal Revenue" was worth it.

I would threaten Cletus with life-altering violence.

He MUST take full responsibility for the premeditation of ordering the receipt machine, then coercing you to use it as well to redeem bogus dinners and give him the cash from your falsified redemptions. Cletus really needed the $60 a day because his estranged mother lives in a hospice in West Virginia and he has to pay off the nurses, less they molest her. At least that's what lying Cletus told you!

Jul 19, 2017

This has to be a joke - what kinda BB pays 9k for food at analyst level and what kind of banker has time to cook own food and carefully make fake receipts???? If srs though, do some monkey calculations with the 9k and reimburse the bankkk

Jul 19, 2017

The real issue is that after you started scheming you cracked and told someone in <6 months. Take solace in knowing it would not have lasted anyway.

Jul 19, 2017

BB bankers in New York so poor that they have to steal from employer. That's the story here.

PS OP: Hope you get caught and fired.

Jul 19, 2017

And yet there are tons of people on this site that are trying to get to the same position you are and you do shit like this? Jesus Christ

Jul 19, 2017

If this was real, there is no way that they would bring you both in at the same time. They would divide and conquer to see where your stories differ.

Jul 19, 2017

Sounds like a classic prisoners dilemma matrix to me. If you've taken your intro econ classes you'll know what to do.

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Jul 19, 2017

bro i'm not sure what's gonna happen ... but you're a fuckin savage lol cant say i'd have the balls to do the same

Jul 19, 2017

Did you claim the income or forego income tax because it was a reimbursed business expense? Maybe the IRS could get a hunk of your ass to gnaw on too.

Jul 19, 2017

Dumb as rocks, sad!

Jul 20, 2017

Troll post. If it wasn't only solution would be to quit before ever getting to that meeting in order to at least preserve the rest of your finance career.

Jul 20, 2017

The only right choice is quitting and hoping that caused them to stop caring. They are sitting on evidence of every false receipt you submitted (well,,,they would be if this wasn't a troll post).

    • 1
Jul 20, 2017

What are clients paying a banker for? Two things:
1) Judgment
2) Integrity

In this case, you have kind of failed at both right?

Firstly, you risked your whole career for a measily 9K. Was it worth it? In no scenario would this ever be a good idea. This isn't some Thomas Crown / Oceans's 11 heist where you think you will do one big heist and then retire to some island on the Caribbean.

Secondly, we think integrity is just some HR thing, it's not. Clients need to be able to trust your answer in that when you say do a deal, it's really because you think it's a good idea and it's not just for fees. Like yeah, some people get tempted to do the wrong thing when facing great temptation. I'm sure there are loyal boyfriends who would cheat if the woman hitting on them is Emily Ratajkowski, I get it. Howvere, dude, you folded like a shitty cafeteria folding chair at the slightest temptation. You can't be trusted, with anything really.

Sorry dude. I know it's not the answer you want to hear, but you have shown you are not the right person for any role where people need to trust you with your judgment.

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Jul 19, 2017

I would probably bring a few more receipts with you and just cut off the HR Manager and tell her/him that you need these processes ASAP. I'd throw in that you're a worker not a charity so you're not in the business of handing out interest free loans to them.

That's like the alpha lion roaring in the jungle. The HR Manager will likely piss him/herself and recede to the back of the line while you eat first from the gazelle of profit.

    • 4
Jul 18, 2017

Damn, figured it was a troll with all the details of getting caught because of a juicy Mastros steak. But yeah, agreed details weren't adding up. Like you would most likely be using a corporate CC (i didn't work at a bulge, but at the MM I worked for it's pretty much required unless you forget once in a while or go somewhere small that doesn't take amex). At the VC I work for it's required though I don't have late night dinners anymore, just use it for travel. Plus your class would notice when you didn't put it for the seamless order with them and were a sad sack eating a packed lunch at your desk.

Having seen something similar the play out, people can be shady and stupid as fuck but glad someone isn't dumb enough to post here about stealing $9k and still think it was a good investment.

    • 1
Jul 20, 2017

So you risked your job and career for like an 8% pay increase ?

I'm calling bullshit

Jul 21, 2017

u r fuked

Jul 21, 2017

Obviously this could be a troll post. But let's assume it's not and lets also look at the replies that some people are giving.

I'm astounded at the number of people that don't seem to have an issue with his behavior. This is just plain stealing and not indicative of a man, just a child. I love how the OP has "this is where shit goes downhill" AFTER he explains his scheme. No, it all went downhill when you started doing this.

The suggestions of deny, or "it's a prisoner's dilemma" are just plain stupid. OBVIOUSLY they already know about it, Cletus has already sung.

If you want to be a man, walk into the meeting with your resignation letter and a payment plan for the money with as big an initial payment as you can muster up. Own the matter 100% and pay it back. This is the only way you have any chance of minimizing the personal and professional consequences and one day you may be able to look yourself in the mirror again and recognize some modicum of dignity.

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Jul 21, 2017

I don't think you understand how grave of a sin you just did. If you're lucky they will let you resign. That would be them doing a massive favor for you; like you need to be so loved there and have someone that pulls for you to get this outcome.

Most likely you're getting fired on the spot. In their eyes you can't be trusted and you're in a position that requires substantial trust. They wouldn't be wrong, you obviously can't be trusted with meal policies.

There's a decent chance they will try to prosecute you in civil court to pay back what you stole. There's also a decent chance they will contact the police who will prosecute you for theft if your employer has sufficient evidence, which they may or may not have.

I would suggest speaking with Cletus to understand what has been said. I would also not say anything to your employer and deny involvement of any kind. Even if they have proof and will fire you, don't admit it cause they may use that against you in court when they sue you for the amount you stole.

Large corporations don't brush this under the rug, this is serious and something they are always looking out for.

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Jul 21, 2017

You're gone, and will likely be unemployable for a long time. this will stick with you like a DUI or foreclosure does on credit. Why is your situation different that you think it's ok to steal anyway? Everyone is hard up for cash right after school.

Jul 21, 2017

Yes you are indeed fucked. What's worse, if you list your current employer on your resume, then one way or another it might get out that you were fired for straight up stealing--WHICH IS NOT A GOOD REPUTATION TO HAVE IN FINANCIAL SERVICES. People in this business talk. You can try to lie your way out of it (unfortunately I see no other viable alternative) and pray that it works. But if you are found out, then you are screwed. Do not try to blackmail the manager with some bullshit jive about "word around the office is that you're also stealing" (odds are that he's not) as this will just piss him off. The problem with the argument about just reimbursing for cash is that THEY STILL GIVE YOU RECEIPTS WHEN YOU PAY CASH AT MOST RESTAURANTS. I'm just glad you stupid people don't work with me...

Jul 21, 2017

first things first...definitely don't write about it on an internet forum.

next...any chance you could get Cletus' finger prints on that machine?

    • 1
Jul 21, 2017

As a former BB M&A banker now running a consulting practice helping both aspiring and former bankers plot their next career moves, I don't see how, even if you throw Cletus under the bus, you can get away with this. Remember, this is finance, where a reputation for honesty and integrity is the most important trait an employee can have.

The banks take this stuff VERY seriously. Your reputation as a high-performing analyst won't matter. I had a client a couple of years ago who tried to expense a pair of shoes (he called them something else and ginned up a bunch of fake documentation for $250) and as soon as the firm figured it out, he was escorted from the building. Assuming they fire you, your career in finance, certainly at any quality firm, is cooked as well, since this will be in your FINRA records. But even that isn't the worst that could happen. $9K isn't a huge amount in the IB world, but it may be enough for the firm to file charges against you for theft.

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Jul 18, 2017

Update:
Today was the meeting. Waking up this morning, I knew today would be a relief... this was an incredibly rough week. I often found myself waking up in the middle of the night with cold sweats. When I would awake, I would reach for a cool glass of water, yet often found the glass slip from my grasp- just like my dreams of financial freedom derived from the infamous receipt machine.

I entered the meeting room with confidence. To my surprise Cletus was already seated. I looked at him in disgust. Taking my inspiration from WSO, I knew Cletus needed to be thrown under the bus. I needed to destroy him.

When I sat down I immediately inquired what the meeting was about. Judging by the business manager's face, she didn't buy it. She gently placed Cletus' Mastro receipt in front of me and asked if I knew anything about it. I told her that I heard some monkeys hollering in the bullpen about the scandal, but I didn't think Cletus was stupid enough for this to actually be true. She affirmed that he was indeed caught for a fraudulent receipt, and stated that Cletus reported me as the mastermind behind the scheme. I bit my sleeve and screamed in horror. She jumped. I told her how disgusted I was to hear such an accusation, but that I was not surprised as I knew Cletus was jealous of my succulent bonuses (he had always been a struggling analyst). I then used many of the comments I received from WSO to back my statements, such as the risk of throwing away my career for "only 9k" (obviously I didn't show her my investment's NPV, and if I did I would have inflated my discount rate like a hot air balloon).

I spent a solid 20 minutes ranting to the business manager. When Cletus attempted to interject, I would raise my voice and become even more passionate with every lick of a spoken word. Eventually, the unthinkable happened- Cletus knew he was a dead man (he had admitted his own guilt after all). He stood up and screamed that he could no longer listen to the conversation. He just wanted to collect his shit and go. The business manager called security and allowed him to leave. I stayed. She told me that although there is no proof that I was involved in the receipt scandal, she would be watching my receipts much more closely. I told her she had every right, but nothing to worry about.

Now here I am, jamming away in my cubicle on a beautiful Friday night. We did it, WSO. Without your help I would have been homeless tonight. Although I am slightly frightened to return home (Cletus may have already lit my apartment on fire and killed all of my pets), I am in a state of absolute bliss given today's outcome.

I have certainly learned my lesson.

Welcome to the jungle.

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Jul 18, 2017

lmao please post more often

Jul 22, 2017

inb4 she finds this... reads this... and fires you the next day. congrats you just played yourself

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Jul 23, 2017

is that you @Fear The Bulge ???? <3

Jul 18, 2017

i hope so

Jul 22, 2017

you clearly have no character or integrity. It's a damn shame you tossed your life down the drain over 9 grand. Hope it was worth it. character is something that can take forever to rebuild, and can be lost in a single moment.

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Jul 22, 2017

Holy christ, did I really just read this?

Why the hell would you tell someone about this...and especially someone who would ask to use it...and then let them use it...

Beyond the integrity issues- you made a lot of stupid mistakes after you had already gotten away with it. And they'd probably fire you just for that.

You're definitely done.

"When you stop striving for perfection, you might as well be dead."

Jul 23, 2017

Exactly my thoughts on this. You deserve to be fired for telling anyone about your plan.

I did some crazy sh*it similar to yours (mine was at school) but for God's sake I told it to absolutely nobody, ever.

Jul 20, 2017

Because its a troll guys c'mon. WSO is too popular on the street for this to actually happen without the post getting back to the biz manager/ whoever at the bank. Also, the 'relief' story is obviously fake.

Good troll overall

Jul 23, 2017

Please don't assume everyone here is a "boy" ... there are girls here too!

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Jul 22, 2017

woah did you just assume there is only 2 genders? I'll have you know there are 270 million different non binary genders you bigot. billnye the science guy said it was true

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Jul 24, 2017

Curious for personal reasons: What is your response when external professionals assume you're the admin for the team when you communicate to them?

Jul 23, 2017

Happens too often ... sadly, I just try to politely correct them. But I haven't figured out how to respond. Some people are surprised I have a front office role, yet alone an investing job in private equity.

Jul 22, 2017

I'd lay money on at least 90% of the users of this site being male, active users for sure.

"When you stop striving for perfection, you might as well be dead."

Jul 24, 2017
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