Lately this has been bugging me a lot, so I just want to get it off my chest. Please don't judge me after reading.
While it's been a long time, I'm starting to believe that my father pulled some strings to get me admitted to HYPS. I was never a star student or athlete, yet my father was never concerned that I wouldn't get into his alma mater. He has never said anything to me out right, but he seems to be putting things into motion for my son (or his grandson).
Recently, my group had a client meeting at an upscale steak house. It was the same steakhouse I remember going to dinner at with my father when I was still in high school. Then it hit me. I was oblivious at the time, but there was talk about a "campaign contribution" for a political figure that would be "repaid to your son" (I'm an only child). Unless there's money I own that I'm not aware of, I can't figure out what else it could be. The timing is also suspicious.
In school I barely got by, yet I had recruiters reaching out to me (which in hindsight doesn't make any sense). I've been walking around with all this hubris, thinking I was a self-made man.
Now my confidence is shattered and I don't know what to do. I can't help but think that I'm not good enough...that I'm an imposter. Life is not the rainbows and sunshine that I always thought it was. I was constantly dumbfounded when people couldn't make it into at least one ivy or BB IB, but that's because I've [apparently] been living in an alternate reality.
How should I repay the sins of my father? Would walking away from finance and the lifestyle it provides me be my redemption?
You are concerned that you didn't get into HYPS on the back of your own merit alone, correct? Well, let's take a look at stuff you didn't earn:
1) Your spot at HYPS. Can't retroactively be given to someone but you can donate all your earnings (post expenses) to HYPS's endowment fund, only way to do it since you didn't earn it. You good with that?
2) Your dad's wealth. Might as well give all of that away since you didn't earn it right?
3) Your zip code where you grew up. You didn't earn your zip code, maybe you could give the house away to a poor family after your father passes on?
4) Your height. Are you taller than avg by any degree? You'll have to get the surgery where they shave off part of your legs -- usually this increases height as they add some material but make sure to get it decreased this time around as it's the only way to get at it since you didn't earn it
5) Your manners & personality. You didn't develop this organically without any help, it was a product of the higher-class folks you grew up with -- parents, uncles, friends, parent's friends, etc. Perhaps you can start acting like a slob and find a way to insult everyone you meet?
6) Your IQ. You certainly didn't earn the IQ you were born with. Might need to go hit your head against some rocks until you find you're much stupider and can't remember your own name. No problem right?
7) Are you good looking? Punch yourself in the nose so you look like Owen Wilson. Any other way you could make yourself look average?
8) Larger than average penis? The kitchen probably has some utensils to correct this, why don't you go there right now and fix it?
You likely see the point I'm making but if you don't let me make it clear -- absolutely nothing for 99% of people is truly fully 'earned' vs. given. Some get a greater degree of help / benefits than others, some get less. If you start acting like a tool from here on, that's on you. But using the gifts / blessings you've been given -- you don't think literally everyone else in the world is doing just this? What, you think Joseph Gordon Levitt "earned" his looks?
There is nothing to feel guilty about. Everyone since the dawn of time has been using 'unfair advantages' (i.e. things others don't readily have access to) and no matter what your decision is here, everyone until the end of time will continue using them. There are no 'sins', this is just life
That is a very specific example
That smile... that goddamn smile gets me every time.
There's a new show on Netflix with him in it - "Super Pumped - The Battle for Uber."
Just bummed because it's a zero-sum game; if I got in, then someone else didn't.
And? This is the case with your current job too. You going to give that up as well?
Enjoy your blessings, by worrying about this you are spitting upon them. Because another guy would kill for your spot and not be sabotaging himself mentally like this. Get the hell over it, you never earned anything in your life 100% and neither did your dad. Or me. Or any of your friends
Going on a bit of a tangent here, but, actors' faces are just part of their looks. While they didn't earn their faces, look at those MCU/DC superstars. They absolutely earned their overall looks. You gotta give them props for risking their health by taking steroids and eating and exercizing like they do.
There is everything to feel guilty about if he treated people like shit for not accomplishing what he thinks he accomplished when he didn't do it himself. It's not taking advantage of your advantages that's the problem, it's recognizing your good fortunes and not kicking others while they're down. Heaven forbid maybe you even help a few others up along the way.
Echoing the above^
Let me tell you something: nobody cares about your advantages, in like a blase type of way. We are all too busy worrying about how to make it ourselves to be wasting time hating on people for something completely determined by luck. Believe me when I say that poor people would rather hang out with Chad, Brad or Vlad who summered in the Hamptons but is nice enough to make me feel included in conversation than another "poor person" who is constantly bitching and whining about stuff that they CAN control. People (if I were to oversimplify) are either good or bad — as others have noted on this forum, use your advantages that you have been given to build up other hardworking, genuine, and good people.
And stop feeling guilty for fucks sake. Cry about it, get over it, and then go do something about it you fucking pussies
only way to absolve your sins is to do the world a favor and off Drumpfy. God will forgive you
lmao
This is fun. Usually those born on third base live their whole life thinking they hit a triple, so at least you've got some self awareness now that the rest of your peers lack
Man, that quote just hit me hard. SB.
This is only good advice if your average person is capable of recognizing when they're at fault. Which humans have demonstrated, pretty conclusively, that they're awful at.
I certainly don't think you need to actively make your own life worse just because you feel bad. It's nice that you realized this. If you have a lot of extra money, you could consider donating to support those who don't have the same opportunities in terms of education etc. Effective altruism may be something of interest. Even if you don't do any of that and just focus on being a happy and productive member of society, as long as you aren't harming anyone, I don't think there's anything morally wrong with it.
I grew up on a farm in Peoria, IL. Google it’s stats if interested…I was a farm kid who went to an inner city (read ghetto) high school. I am fine owning that. I also realized that most of the people I worked with came from something different. Be yourself and don’t worry about it. Work hard and be a good person, and it will all work out. None of us can control where we came from.
Thanks, it sounds like you've done well for yourself, despite the headwinds.
My wife's family lives in a town called Glenkoe, maybe it's not too far from Peoria.
Weird post
My family is from Moline! I have some family living in Peoria now. Cheers man!
I have a ton of family in Moline/Quad Cities. Farmers and John Deere workers mostly…great people there.
Good ol Peoria. Haven’t heard that place in a while. Part of what I call the Bermuda Triangle of central Illinois with Springfield and Champaign lol
Don’t feel bad. That does nothing. Instead, open doors for people who don’t have this good fortune (but are deserving)
self awareness + charity are the keys to helping you feel better
you want to help?
give back, give EXTRA attention to non targets, back office laterals, and other curious kids who don't have the pedigree. volunteer for junior achievement, sifma, and other organizations that help youth without a leg up due to family
purposely have a diversified group of friends from different social strata. resist the urge to engage in conspicuous consumption, and shun materialism.
work hard and if you have children, make them work too. provide the bare fucking minimum and refuse assistance from your parents unless it's directed towards something you and your spouse want. make them have jobs once they get into high school, get them a used honda civic instead of a lexus, do not always be buying them clothes, make them volunteer, etc.
lastly, stop beating yourself up. life is not a zero sum game. even the poor in the USA are infinitely better off economically than someone who grew up in a sand mine in west africa under some dictatorship. you have no control over what your dad did, you have 100% control over how you interpret it and act from here forward. so, do you want to feel sorry for yourself for the rest of your life? or, do you want to try to make the little corner of the world you live in a little better of a place? if you're a well off dude from HYPS that's not an asshole AND self aware, you're already doing better than 99% of your peers. just put out positive ripples in the world, it's no more complicated than that my guy
I agree with your last part, but there is nothing wrong with a high school job. The job should be secondary to school and extras.
My son plays sports and has a job. He is also aware that I want him to enjoy everything he can in school and not worry about having to work all the time. Kids can do both if you make sure they understand the priorities.
respectfully disagree ACP. I worked in high school, played music in a band (we also toured regionally and recorded 2 albums), played baseball, and taught surfing. those activities are not mutually exclusive. my point in recommending the kids work is so they can be exposed to people from different walks of life, so that they learn the value of a dollar (e.g. parents only pay for must-haves, kids must fund 100% of their own other expenses), and so that they learn how to balance their time. if all you've done is be in school and then you get thrown into the real world where you must manage your finances, stay in shape, work, and maybe learn (CFA, CPA, GMAT, etc.), it's great preparation. if you want to stay grounded and want your kids to be as well, it's possible to do it without them working, but the odds are more in your favor if you do make them
Why should you be more interested in the process than in the results? It doesn't matter how you got there, what matters is how good you will use this opportunity to reach even bigger things in the future (there are some advantages of being an Ivy instead of non-Ivy, no?). Also, you still contributed to getting where you are because consider the rest of children coming from wealthy families which are pushed to go to study at X school or at Y company and they have 0 motivation because their pa' has them covered.
In other words, your dad opened for you more doors that those which you could had opened only by yourself, but from now onwards you decide what is the best use of the opportunity given to you.
Not that deep. If you feel slightly "guilty", I would recommend trying to have a positive impact (aka help) those who aren't as lucky to have an advantage when starting out (as you did)
Pass it forward.
Don't feel any regrets -- just be a good person and help those who need it as you progress in life. We all have needed help to get to where we are. I'm sure you're more qualified than you think, so why deny an extra push or feel bad about it?
Echoing what others have said, your example is extreme but you really should just be extremely grateful and keep playing with the hand you're dealt. Maybe this could motivate you to put higher standards on yourself to be very successful, perhaps more so than your father, because you had a head start in the rat race. I think one way or another most people on this forum can relate to feeling strange about these perceived advantages-- my parents didn't bribe anyone for my college admission, but I can guarantee you I wouldn't have been accepted to my alma mater if they didn't coach me through the admissions process/heavily edit essays/etc. Or I could feel guilty because I only got a great internship/job because I happened to make a strong impression on an alumni who was senior at the firm and pushed me through the process despite me barely even knowing what IB was at the time. At the end of the day life isn't fair, be happy and grateful you got to where you are, and make the most of the advantages you are lucky to have.
I don't think most of the people here had such an advantage.
There’s no way this is real?? You really only found out now? This is almost as funny as Kylie Jenner calling herself a self-made billionaire. There are very, very few people who are truly self-made; most everyone gets help from others in some shape or form.
You worked your way up to VP at a BB and just now came to this conclusion?
Highly doubt this post could be real at all. If it is somehow this is beyond first world problems. "Sins of my father", you mean your dad tried his best to put in an option to choose the path you wanted with most doors opened to you. End of the day you chose to go to HYPS and you chose to recruit for a BB. This is not Yellowstone where your dad expects to become the family banker, tax evade or hide a body to repay him for his actions. As a parent he did what he thought was best. You just came on here to get everyone to tell you donate 25% of your bonus every year, take some more non-target networking calls and make it seem like you are doing your part to get past this guilt.
In reality you have the resources, connections and ability to actually do things to change the world tomorrow if you wanted to.
I grew up in what I consider to be fortunate circumstances by way of having a poor upbringing which became a middle class to upper middle class life due to my parent's work and efforts. And even though I didn't have the kind of influence or placement you were given, with my position in life now regarding career and earnings, the best thing I can do and always do is give back.
Just face it that you were born and raised under these circumstances and it's only benefitted you so don't let it rattle your confidence. At the end of the day, if you're still working where you are and doing a good job that is of your own accord and something to be proud of. And you should never feel inadequate just because you had it easier. Not if you want to show yourself that it's for nothing, but to help and be a guiding light for people who didn't have that chance - make sure you take steps to pay it back whether it's mentoring underprivileged budding professionals or advocating via volunteering or donations to orgs which help build livelihoods to those who didn't have the chance to build one growing up.
Don't be a victim of your own fortunate circumstance. Rather use it as an advantage and use it to help push others up.
There is no way a 40+ year old man writes a paragraph like that.
If you are 40+. my god man, you can't seriously ask a forum of 18-25 year olds for advice on this.
I’m 32 brother.
"He has never said anything to me out right, but he seems to be putting things into motion for my son (or his grandson)."
-It makes it sound like you have a kid in high school. Trust me, these things aren't set into motion a full decade before your kid goes to college.
I wouldn’t worry about it. Life is a lie for all of us. You probly got off on a better foot than most but what you do now matters more. Will you be hard working, create your own future, punctual, and not a dick? Or the type that fails at every job, is a drunk, rude, etc. and only gets by in his 30s with monthly payments from dad? I think that matters more
Ok, leaving all judgment out the door for this one.
Let’s hypothetically imagine your father is a murderer. Does that make you guilty of his sins? His actions would have a profound influence over your upbringing - are you responsible for those consequences to the choices he made? What do you have in common with this version of you in the alternate universe?
Your own free will. We’re not entitled to tell you what you should do or not do. You’re also not beholden to the consequences of the choices made by others around you in life. I think I get why you’re frustrated with the privileged you were given as many of those things shaped a lot of your identity, taking away opportunities to eat what you kill. There’s a plenty of time left in life to carve your path if it still bothers you.
All that aside, see you at the field when we battle for those HYPS spots for the offsprings.
A confession means you did something wrong. Not sure what this is, but it’s not a confession.
The truth shall set me free.
That’s the majority of kids that get in so who cares? At least he was smart enough to not pay money to send you to USC.
I’m just flabbergasted by the level of support compared to some diversity summer internship program over the recent years
It’s because many on this thread are guilty of using nepotism to get into school/the industry and undergo some mental gymnastics to tell themself it’s ok or not a big deal. Even worse is when some suggest that all poor people are poor because they are lazy.
That doesn’t discount the problems with diversity programs based on race instead of something like socioeconomic status, but it shows the double standard of having qualms with one but not the other.
Embrace nepotism, you'll feel better bro
Jesus. Seems like Imposter syndrome to me.
👆
There are no more barriers to cross. All I have in common with the uncontrollable and the insane, the vicious and the evil, all the mayhem I have caused and my utter indifference toward it I have now surpassed. My pain is constant and sharp and I do not hope for a better world for anyone, in fact I want my pain to be inflicted on others. I want no one to escape, but even after admitting this there is no catharsis, my punishment continues to elude me and I gain no deeper knowledge of myself; no new knowledge can be extracted from my telling. This confession has meant nothing.
You're in the same club as at least half of Ivy League grads. Most of those dipshits didn't "earn" their spots either. Just enjoy the life you were born into and try to pay it forward to someone less privileged than you.
Ok, Usher....
Top tier shit post. No one who’s daddy got them all these things has the self awareness to question it.
If it makes you feel better, it's a pretty open secret that the American educational system isn't necessarily meritocratic and the highly prestigious private universities maintain their prestige because of money.
It's whatever. You can't really kill yourself over this, but at least do something worthwhile with your life. You got shoehorned into success by generational wealth and privilege. Make sure it counts for something. Lots of other people would like to be in your place and wouldn't even lose sleep over their success or lack thereof.
I wouldn’t feel guilty if I were you. I went to a top all-boys prep school for high school and I ended up at a small LAC while significantly dumber kids went to HYPS and I knew it was due to legacy, money, etc. However I worked my ass off and it worked out for me while many of those kids amounted to nothing. My point is, while the college process might have been handed out, you got an incredible job that was probably all based on your skill. I doubt any BB would have hired you if you didn’t have the technical skill or personality to succeed in the role. If you feel guilty, I would consider either donating more to charity or starting a non-profit.
Nothing to feel guilty about, especially, as it’s not something completely in your control for how things ended up. Just another example of inequality in the world of many.
The only things you can do in my opinion is acknowledge the different results as a result of varying socioeconomic backgrounds. Then you can maybe work to help those who are less fortunate/privileged - not to make yourself feel better necessarily but to act on what you now know and try make a genuine difference if possible.
Now that you are aware of your faults use your knowledge and privilege to help those less fortunate than yourself.
The step you've taken to realize one of the truths regarding your circumstances is maturity in it of it self. As it relates to you feeling bad about it, that's normal too. You have empathy for those less fortunate than you.
But should you carry on with guilt or the idea that you deserve less? Absolutely not - here is why: coming from two immigrant engineer parents who never climbed the corporate chain, building a career and substantial net worth through finance has been one of my life goals so that I could help my family and others coming from a similar place as me. Imo the BEST thing you could do going forward is by taking full advantage of the opportunity you've been blessed with (such as a world class education, a network of future industry leaders, and huge trust fund) and use them to do good in the world. If you're into investing, find a way to invest in technologies, services, or ideas that transform lives for the better. If you're into politics, go become a political leader and carry the same mentality to bridge some of the gap between the fortunate or unfortunate. Figure out what values you want to carry forward with and mix those into whatever you pursue in life.No, you absolutely should not carry on with that guilt in your heart. Instead, hold gratitude for what you've been given but remember that you have the opportunity to apply your resources to changing the systems we have in place today. Most folks (especially in finance) are so geared towards building generational wealth that I think they forget the power that comes along with it and how our choices, investments, and actions can change lives. You have the opportunity to do that.
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