Only able to date down in IB/NYC?

Saw a troll post about the lack of attractive women in high finance / prestigious background and honestly, it made me think a little. No it’s not so I can hu with my female coworkers but it’s definitely made me have a realization, as someone who does not want to date downwards.
 

Im a dude who went to an ivy and currently work in a highly desired bank in a top group. I also think I’m pretty attractive- I’m fit and can honestly say I strike comfortably above average. It’s always been my aspiration to have my partner be my equal. This has always been my “type”; im into women generally who I view “on my level” in terms of looks, occupation, background. I don’t think this is an unreasonable or unfair expectation to have. 
 

Yet, all of my friends in coveted IB seats who also attractive men by society, are all dating downwards in my view. Not in terms of looks or personality- their gfs are very pretty and are great girls. Yet they’re all chicks working in corp dev/sales/public relations/education etc… absolutely nothing wrong with it, but clearly much lower stakes type of jobs. I’ve noticed this generally in nyc— where it’s like “hot banker bf & hot HR gf” And it makes me think, what gives? Based on my own experience, I’ve seen that I’ve had access to many very beautiful women who are working more lifestyle jobs. While fun for nothing serious, at my core I know I want an equally attractive woman with the same ambition/drive and accomplishments as me. I’ve had a few situationships I’ve ended for this reason only. I genuinely find a woman who is able to offer as much as I to be the epitome of sexy. I’m not saying this to infer such women lack passion or are lesser, but rather point to how hard it is to find women who I align myself with in all ways.
 

Maybe it’s because I grew up in an area where power couples were truly & genuinely a norm (like attractive finance husband & attractive doctor wife; northeast lol). Maybe is due to my own upbringing, where my dad is a real estate investor and my mother a lawyer; both came from nothing and worked their way up… but I can’t help but feel like I’m settling if my partner is indeed hot but works as a secretary. Nearly all of my male friends who live with their gfs pay the lion share of rent and cover expenses—which again, is totally ok— but to me gives me a sense of out-dated gender dynamics due to the fact that they are not wholly equals. 
 

Anyone else feel the same way? 

 
Most Helpful

Don't care if my GF/wife is on-track to be a partner at McKinsey...I want her to be mature, loyal, hot, but most importantly, a good mother. I can't imagine basing my relationship on whether she pays 50% of the rent LOL I get your point that you do not want dead weight, but although it is outdated, men and women complement each other - for example, I would shoot to find an attractive nurse (good job, smart, likely in good shape, nothing to do with finance, real life skills (not powerpoint) etc.) 

 

On the point of going 1/2 on rent— I’m not giving any grievances against less than equal finances. That point was illustrative of the disparity that tends to exist between partners.
Think my point lies in the fact I *personally* feel that attractiveness is not >>>>>> career. I agree that for most men it is, but im wondering if any tend to feel the same way as I.

agreed that I would want my woman to be a good mother; I have the same expectation that I will be a good father. Obv once children come in, there’s sacrifices to be made on both ends. I want a wife/mother/partner, not a maid or caretaker. 
I think there’s no shortage of hot women working comfy jobs …but for me to truly, truly love a woman, there needs to be a sense of acknowledgement in knowing that she doesn’t need me more than I need her & we are both equally impressive & equally inspire each other. Like how they say you are a close product of your five closest friends, thus choose wisely; wouldn’t you apply similar thinking to your woman? Idk, I guess I view “high value” women in the same lenses that women view “high value men” lol

 

…but for me to truly, truly love a woman, there needs to be a sense of acknowledgement in knowing that she doesn't need me more than I need her 

Doesn't really makes sense to me, why wouldn't you want your woman to truly need and depend on you? If you're in a depolarized relationship where neither of you need each other, then what's the point? Feel like men receive purpose in their life knowing that their woman and children depend on their hard work.

If you're a man making decent money, the motherly qualities are more important than her LinkedIn profile. When you have 3 kids, do you really want a wife working until 11pm or raising your family instead?

 

I've seen a few examples of that.

Where the woman stays in finance / law / some other high powered job, they don't have kids till their late 30s, usually only because the husband is practically crying for one by then (I've seen one funny example where all the directors at a company event were trying to persuade one dude's very high powered wife - she outranked all of them - to finally have a baby. "He'll look after the kid! You can go straight back to work!")

Where the woman drops out, always because of kids, she f*cking resents her husband. Every. Single. Time. Especially when she has female friends who stayed and achieved amazing careers.

You can't really go from career woman to trophy wife that easily. I've briefly hung out with very very wealthy women / girls, whose main aspirations were to go from rich man's daughter to rich man's wife. They're not dumb - they'd outmaneuver you in a second - but they're on a completely different wavelength.

The only wealthy women I could ever click with are those who actually worked as well - even if in only their dad's company, where they usually had a high degree of responsibility

 

There are just less women going hard in IB etc that you would consider attractive so the selection pool is smaller. If we’re being honest most men will choose looks over career in a woman. Trust me if you value career that much you can cuff up a girl killing it at a megafund but she’s not gonna look like an equinox trust fund HR chick

 

Feel you, would prefer my partner to be well educated and a high achiever. I usually date women with elite careers and it works well for me. It’s difficult to align schedules but they’re able to understand the lifestyle. Girls with normal jobs are able to be more flexible and attentive. I just find high achieving women more attractive, and they usually have real interest vs. the girl in Ops that lives on TikTok.

 

You realize people working these "lifestyle jobs" - as you refer to them - can still be ambitious, driven and passionate about their work, right? If you're looking for someone who's also in IB and makes as much as you do, fine. But it seems you’re currently making a pretty big extrapolation.

 

You can date whatever you want. It's just a matter of how much effort and time you want to put in to find what you're looking for. 

It's harder for women as they have a biological clock. As a guy, you can wait it out until you find what you are looking for. 

No hard and fast rules. 

But like anything in life, there's always some give and take. You should know where your stand and what you can offer. Anything unbalanced always backfires. 

 

This sounds as though you are saying that it's the woman's job to be the full time parent? Aren't we in 2023?

If you want to stick with your argument, maybe the high-achieving women working the "most difficult" jobs are not attracted to other people working those jobs. I know a lovely female partner at a BB whose husband is a stay at home father.

 

You may need to choose looks or profession. Not saying it doesn’t happen, but typically beautiful women are not as ambitious or in pursuit of professional careers. That drive of competition, grit, and ego is more of a masculine trait. Not saying they don’t exist.

Use LinkedIn - slide into their IGs.

Also, this was super pretentious. You defined dating downwards based on women’s professional status in their 20s. You’re a moron. Date someone you get along with and are attracted to

 

Yeah. I would say earning $200k, having a good career trajectory, being in decent shape, and still having decent fun on the weekends at age 23-25 puts you ahead of most Gen Z & younger millennials. I have some friends who have jobs in more in line with the median who seem to have more fun but are overall very anxious about finances. 

It's not like most people this age are supermodels living lavish lives with low hours. 

 

WSO tends to lean fairly conservative, so I think it's going to be hard for people here to agree with you. Seems like they're a big believer in "it's the woman's role to stay at home and raise the kids, and the man's role to be the provider of the family"

I'm also very similar to you, it seems, and find a girl's education and job a huge determinant in my attraction to her. Is it fair? Maybe not.

But we're all allowed to have our preferences on who we want to date; it just means we might have to wait a bit longer to find that girl compared to the rest of our peers

 

To add onto this, I feel like what you're looking for in a partner is largely influenced by your parents / upbringing. If you have one parent stay at home and you turned out pretty well, then you think "wow everyone should have one parent stay at home to raise the child cause look how I turned out"

And if you're like us and had both parents work full-time and raise the child together, then you think "wow both parents should work full-time and share the burden of raising the child cause look how I turned out"

Also idk about you but my mom would kill me if I didn’t date a girl with a good job and good college pedigree. Know it sounds toxic but she’s Asian and has a PHD so how am I gonna convince her otherwise haha

 

On the bright side if you like these type of women - most men don’t appreciate them - so they’re s easy get if you can find them!

 

Most of my friends and I date women who are younger than us. Younger often means less established from a career point of view. Often times we can't see what potential our partners have because they are just 21-25 years old. Hard to be a doctor or law professor at that point. In fact, when I met my gf, she lived with her parents and was just about to enroll at college.

 

we don't have a choice. women our own age or even older won't care about us. we tried.

I completely agree that women mature at different rates than men, due to a variety of reasons. same age dating might have worked a long time ago, but nowadays it is quite difficult.

 

Hey man, thanks for sharing. I don’t mean this in a judgemental way at all, but may I ask why you tend to date younger? I know this is a pretty common thing and at face value I can see the appeal. However I’m definitely speaking from an honest and long term view - I think if I would to date a young naive 20 something as a 30/40 y/o, it’d be hard for me to genuinely feel that I love her. Factors that make this so is that 1. There is no shortage of young beautiful women, so what’s the stickiness factor with one of many 2. Soon enough I feel there’ll be a realization of the power dynamics here - where I feel that she “loves” me for what I provide (which is not unique- there’s plenty of good looking wealthy older men), and I “love” her for  having youth I’m trying to cling for (which never lasts, for anyone). Makes me question if I genuinely love her / if she genuinely loves me, and if this is all conditional. Also, at this point, what do you even have in common with her, a girl who is just starting college?…

Seems like dicarpio type of situation that in my view, is largely unproductive for anything but a playboy lifestyle 

 

My friends and I have younger girlfriends because women our own age (or older than us) are not interested in dating us. They barely want to be friends with us.

 

I date younger since I find girls in their 20s more attractive. What do we have in common? We both enjoy sex.

Seems like dicarpio type of situation that in my view, is largely unproductive for anything but a playboy lifestyle 

Fair enough if that's not your thing, but that is indeed what I am going for. I don't expect you to agree with me, fine if you don't, but you did ask the question so that's my answer.

 

Please tell me this is some kind of bizarre satire or troll

I know some couples meet in finance, good for them, but I don't want my wife/gf as stressed out as I am. I think some of you have been so enculturated through business school and finance culture that these are the only girls you even know about. If OP is serious, which I hope he isn't, you guys need to go out and travel a bit...touch grass or something

 

"Maybe it's because I grew up in an area where power couples were truly & genuinely a norm (like attractive finance husband & attractive doctor wife; northeast lol)"

Where was this?  

 

"Attractive finance husband" as a stereotype is odd-sounding.  "Attractive doctor wife" even more so.  And the idea of these two coming together so frequently that there's a town where this is "genuinely a norm" . . yeah I either want the name of the town or the name of the drug fueling the post.  

 

Agree with what everyone said above. I'd say there are a lot of layers going on here though:

1. As they say in football, you are what your record is. Kind of like dating, you date at your "level". You might be a good looking banker with no personality, so you get girls who only care about looks and money. "Looks, occupation, background" are good places to start, but ask yourself, between two equally attractive woman, would you want to date a lawyer who treats you like shit, or an HR girl who absolutely adores you?  Or, dunno if you're too young for this, would you date a teacher who wants kids or a doctor lady who doesn't? Or you might date a doctor lady who goes to the Jersey shore every weekend with here family but you're a hamptons guy? Its give and trade, just because you think you have a product that sells doesn't mean people will buy it. 

2. I'm not a girl/woman/lady, but I'd say being one takes a lot of work. As a guy, you have to think about way less more stuff on the daily, less time to get ready for work, all of that. I think that's why a lot of woman never get to that IB/high tech level, because they are focused on things outside of their career. So its a tough ask. 

3. Most woman want to date up; therefore most men end up "dating down" if you will. 

4. Hate to say it and not to hate, but there are some woman out there who just basically want to marry rich and be a housewife. Nothing wrong with that, but they usually don't want to tell society/people. I know chicks who have gone to college or law school who basically wasted several $100ks of dollars because now they are stay at home moms. They never really started a career, not that its wrong if thats what people want. (side note: I think its mainly because people pat your back up until you have to start working, then no one cares.)