I met a girl and I don’t want to do this anymore

Date girl for 2 years
Work full time at GS/MS/JPM IBD
Love her to the bottom of my heart
She is in med school to be neurosurgeon
Realized that I want to come home to her more and live happy life
Was previously a very lonely lad
Want to sacrifice everything for love.
Looking for advice. Have offer from small boutique close to her school, pays less but better hours
Should I do it?

 
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I was initially thinking this but they have been together 2 years which makes it a bit different. OP also brings up distance which is a pretty big factor in straining relationships. Finally, he seems to have already done time at a BB which makes the move less of a big deal since he can always point back to his BB experience. I’m not saying he should automatically move, but I think he needs to consider how strong the relationship is and act accordingly. 

Array
 

I’d just be careful that you’re making this decision for you and not just for her (Ie if you break up for some reason would you be kicking yourself or still think it was a good move Bc it allows for better WLB?). I think it’s a totally fair to go to a firm with better WLB to focus on your relationship / family / enjoy non-professional aspects of life but I’d take some time to make sure you understand the impact on your career / life and that you’re fully comfortable with it (vs just missing your gf and making a short-sighted decision).

 

Tbh its more to do with the large amounts of incels that have been plaguing wso recently and are only recently encountering relationships in their 20s and having 0 eq. this really isn't supposed to be a dating forum..

 

I tend to disagree with the crowd that will say "what if this girl dumps you", "always prioritize your career", etc. I think a relationship can be fulfilling in ways that a job will never be, so there's a lot of value in pursuing that. Nonetheless, sacrificing everything for love is not the way to go. It's very likely that part of what attracted this girl to you is your ambition, drive, etc. Completely foregoing your career at her expense is very shortsighted. You will both be better off if you are able to pursue whatever path it is you want to go in. 

I think the reality is you want a better lifestyle. That's totally fine but stop thinking about it in the context of your relationship if she's not the one asking you to leave (doesn't sound like that's the case). If you think like that and things don't work out for you professionally, you'll end up resenting her, when it really wasn't her fault. 

 

As Kevin O Leary said about this issue, what's easier to replace? I think you know the answer to that champ

 

I wouldn't sacrifice what you have for a relationship. What you are doing will pay you better dividends in the long term, for your future family and kids. As long as you dont hate your job at least.

 

Neurosurgery is a 7-year residency program with brutal hours. Regardless of what you do, if she goes this route, you will be spending a lot of time without her because of her schedule. 
 

 

Whenever I see posts like this it reminds me of my SA when I was madly in love with a girl who I had just started dating (8 months). I felt the same sentiment as you and wanted to spend all my free time with her.Was it hard to balance maintaining the relationship and working 80-100 hours a week? Yes. Did I set expectations going into the internship and still do full-time? Absolutely. Did I cancel some date nights and other planned time together in order to secure the return? Yup.I think it's a hard thing to balance for sure but I wouldn't give up your career at a top BB to spend more time with her. As many others have said, given she's in med school and has career aspirations of her own you guys should use the relationship to help each other achieve these goals. I also don't agree with the people saying "think about yourself you can find another girl" My GF (same one from SA time) also is looking at working in medicine and we both understand that sometimes date night isn't gonna work out. The BIGGEST thing to make it work is communication. If she's the right one then she will stick around despite the long hours. Give it some time before you do anything rash you don't want to do anything you'll regret.

Also consider moving in together? My GF and I are making the move in the summer to spend more time with each other. Not sure about your situation , obviously it’s a big step and not for everyone.

 

If she feels the same way, yes. Money is an instrumental good; love is an end in itself. 

Even if--God forbid--the relationship fails, you can always move back up to a BB

 

better to figure out first if she feels the same way about you, or that would suck.

at some point tho, jacking off to some household names only attract 22 or 26 year old guys, but is good as a positive signaling effect to the rest of the industry if you want to stick there 

 

Couple things: 

1) She'll be married to her hospital. lots of  on calls at 2AMs (and always  Friday and saturday night too) doing pointless craniotomies on drunk trauma  victims who vomit up Taco Bell and sangria on the table during induction, for the next 7 odd years …  

your fantasy of seeing her or coming home to her is laughable. And when she is home, shes going to be studying Or prepping for the next day or sleeping. Or hanging you'll be  out with her coresidents who understand her stress and you'll be a 9th wheel.  You’ll never see her. Not how you imagine it. 80 hours is the starting point despite the law…

She won’t be the same person coming out of that program as she was going in. And thats by design…. The gov’t is investing  millions into her training….

2) Shes in med school. If she hasn’t matched a residency yet, you’re moving for no reason, shes just going to move again… and you too..

3) If shes serious about that path and not just saying it cause shes a first year and it sounds fun, she’s already picked her career over you. 

4) also never pick the girl at this stage.  Focus on yourself.   ESP b/c shes made her decision already. 

and on a supportive note, maybe look into therapy for depression or lean on some friends. Don’t throw away all you’ve worked for. 
 

 

Do you love her that much, or are you also disenfranchised with IB and this is an outlet? Ask yourself if this has always been coming, and perhaps it's not just about loving your girl, but also wanting a different career path that doesn't grind you down like your current one does?

Life is a road... and I love creating potholes
 

how far away is her school from where you are? if it's in the same time zone or accessible by car, don't move, just see her as much as possible

is her school in an area with other stuff to do (e.g. stanford) or is it in a dying area (e.g. hopkins)? if in a growing area, see if you can transfer. if dying area and there aren't other opps (like if she's at hopkins you could work for t rowe, legg mason, etc.), think long and hard about it.

how old are you? if you're under 27 you have no business considering moving

what is her current schedule? what I know about med students is their free time is about what an IB analyst's is

where are the better residency programs for her? if she's in a shitty part of the USA but residency for neuro is somewhere decent like emory in atlanta, you could just delay the move until then

are their MBA programs near her that you'd be interested in?

also, you've been together 2 years, you've not experienced the 3 year or 7 year itch. give it more time. if it really is meant to be you can suck it up at least another year or two before making a potentially career damning decision. I'm all for following your heart, but also being logical. 2 years isn't enough, seen plenty of would-be promising relationships break around the 3 year mark, no matter how good they looked originally

 

Lots of stereotypical advice on here that you would expect from college kids. I'll bite though.

I am not in that different of a position, I am in love with a girl I've been dating for two years. She is my world. I think about our future all the time, and coming home to her makes me happier than almost anything else. I lived the majority of my life alone, and even when I had opportunities to date different girls, I usually wasnt interested. I sort of always knew what I wanted and finally found it, and it is just as perfect as I imagined. Now comes the part where my situation resembles yours. 

I have an opportunity to move to take a PE job in a different city. I would have to pack up and move across the country in order to get the job of my dreams. It would mean long distance for at least one year, more likely than not, ~2. At this point it is probably the girl I would marry, and my alternative would be to work a job I like with decent hours but ok comp. However I could live with her and make a good life.

At this point I know that the relationship will bring me more happiness than the job, so if I do get the offer and make the move I will be willing to return if I feel like Im losing out on the relationship. I feel as though I have to take the job, but I know the relationship is more important. My advice to you, see if you can make your IBD job work while she grinds as a neuro surgeon. If you cannot, evaluate which ultimately brings you more happiness. For many on this forum, it is work first, always. However, think about how many miserable rich old men you know. At least for me, it is roughly half of those with over 10 mm net worth. It isnt as black and white as top IBD firm vs. small boutique. You can keep searching for the right job, and try different things. After all, you are an IBD Analyst 1, you are young and have plenty of time to try different things. I am sure both the girl and the job are extremely importance to your happiness and sense of self worth. If you can, continue to find that perfect balance. If work is too much (maybe it already is), and you are madly in love with this girl and expect that she is / might be "the one", then prioritize her. However, make sure she feels the same way. If you are thinking about making a switch firm-wise, make sure she wants that too and is on board with you taking your relationship to the next level (e.g., moving in, discussing long-term plans, etc.). 

Remember, I am just one data point, but I hope my perspective helps. Also, remember 99% of the feedback you receive on these posts are from folks who have ultimately made great sacrifices to preserve and strengthen their career. In other words, you are getting advice solely from one end of the spectrum. Talk to your folks and close friends as well, both those in IBD and those who took "less ambitious" career paths. This is ultimately a major life decision. 

 

There’s a risk vs reward for both options (growing your relationship with her vs having a better potential career projection). It sounds like you’re already doing well career wise, do whatever will leave you with the least amount of regret.

 

It may be time to discuss long term goals. Many couples decide to have someone sacrifice time early for the long term benefit. Sure you can go be an associate at a boutique, but maybe if you did another 2 years at BB, they'd hire you as a VP and they really don't promote internally, etc. Just saying that the longer you stay on this track, opportunities can become better and you can always decide it's time to make the pivot (akin to working in "prestigious" PE and then transitioning to a senior role at a family office as a young guy). Just something to consider

 

Has she also suggested you move closer / was she receptive to the idea? Talk to her about it - she’s obviously aware of the sacrifice (although you may not love the BB life anyway…).

Banking experience is highly transferable to other professions (which is why a lot of people choose it), so even if the boutique didn’t work out, your BB experience will carry some weight should you have to pivot. It’s also worthy of note that this doesn’t close the door on BB forever, you could definitely get back in if you had the burning desire.

Only you can judge the foundation of your relationship, where are you currently with your career, and your goals - all those things being aligned, I would consider it.

Good luck OP!

'I'm jacked... JACKED TO THE TITS!!'
 

Say a few years down the road you guys end up breaking up, for whatever reason. You're at a small boutique with arguably lesser career upside, whatever that means, although you're not doomed since you still are in banking and have a BB name on your resume. If at that point you can imagine yourself holding your head up high and say you don't regret leaving the BB for her, then yes go for it.

On a more practical note, seeing you're a 1st year analyst, can you at least hold out till you finish your 1st year? It will go a long way in making you seem not like a quitter later in your career and provide you and your gf with a decent amount of cash to get by for a year or two.

 

First off, I think you're thinking about this prematurely. If you guys are serious, you need to have a long conversation about your careers and how to make a relationship work. For lack of a better explanation, you're at the whim of her career needs. Where she does Med School may not be where she matches for Residency. Where she does her Fellowship may not be where she does her Residency. Where she ends up practicing may not be where she does her Fellowship. Last I heard, 40% of Neurosurgical Residents do not practice in the same state they did their Residency. Understand that this is a huge sacrifice on your part and you have to be aware of that. These are long-term questions that only the two of you can answer. So sit down and talk to her about the long-term plans. 

That said, Neurosurgery is not a 9-5 job both during residency and when she's in practice. During residency, she is at the beck and call of the hospital. She will be on call. She'll nights where she's in the hospital for 24 Hour shifts. She will be burned out and exhausted after the long days. After Residency (and a potential fellowship), her hours are depending on what she chooses to do with her career. If she goes into private practice, her hours won't necessarily be as bad they could be, but her hours will be long. Depending on her skills and the scope of her practice, Surgery days are 7AM to "Whenever" depending on the surgery. I know that's an amorphous answer, but surgery hours really are dependent on numerous issues - the skill of the surgeon, solo vs multiple-surgeon cases, the type of surgery, the patient, and potential complications, among other things. Her "Office Hour" Days will be dependent on the type of practice she's in. She'll carry a beeper (I know it's anachronistic, but it's true) and will have to be available when she's on call. On-Call means getting called at 2AM because a Resident can't read an X-Ray right or dealing with a Consult despite the fact that there is nothing that can be done until a patient gets a CAT Scan or the referring physician needs to talk to you despite there being nothing you can do. It means getting a call at 2AM to deal with a Subdural Hematoma that needs to be drained or having to rush a patient into the OR for Cauda Equina. The hours get better the longer she's in practice, but they still can suck. If she's a hospitalist, expect something similar.  

That said, your girlfriend is in Med School. How long does she have left? I'm assuming she has ~2-3 years left on her program. Post-Med School, she's going to have a 7-Year Residency program. She will have to move based on where her Residency program is. Additionally, she may opt to do a Fellowship, so you can add another year or two on top of that. Residency comes with long hours. The issue you have shouldn't be taking the offer to move closer to her. It should be looking for work near where she is doing her residency, and you won't know that for another year or two. So you have time to make the decision. 

 

Not down bad

Not down horridly

Not down astronomically

But rather,

Down Biblically

 

Hey dude - you are thinking about this in the wrong way. Successful med students match to residency programs at the end of the program. If she matches (and it is an if - she is applying to a very competitive specialty), she will likely have to move again. In a similar position, so my sympathies but think this through - definitely not something to "do" w/o thinking it through. 

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