Hi everyone.
I go to a top feeder elementary school and hoping to get into MM or hopefully MF PE down the line. I'm trying to transfer to a target middle school soon so I can work my way into an elite prep HS -> HYP -> BB -> MM/MF -> HBS -> MF. I just got a piggy bank but a few friends already have front office roles lined up and I don't want to fall behind.
I've lined up a few options for next summer:
Option 1 Local public sector position: I got a mail route in my neighborhood and daddy just taught me how to ride a bike so I think I'll be able to leverage that, but I'm afraid I'll be pigeonholed into federal work down the line. Early hours aren't great but might be good preparation for IB.
Option 2 International Tier-2 ice cream shop (think Ben&Jerrys/Coldstone): Networked with a family friend and he's letting me sweep the floors, $2/hour no bonus structure. I could probably leverage this into Tier-1 ice cream (DQ/BR) next summer and transition into a corporate role. Work life balance may be an issue.
Option 3 Tech start-up biz dev: Noah from down the street has an older brother with a 3D printer. He makes custom pogs and sells them and needs a guy to help expand to other playgrounds. The travel is a perk but concerned about risky stock options.
I'm getting a bit tired from my sugar crash and need to nap soon but any advice would greatly appreciated.
-Timmy
Mod Note (Andy): top 50 posts of 2017, this one ranks #1 (based on # of silver bananas)
8 Year olds do not write that well...
Thanks! I got a sticker on my last writing assignment and have been studying my vocab list every day, so I'm glad you noticed :) I'm in the running for the gifted program, do you think it's a good idea? I'm concerned about my GPA suffering from the harder courses.
r/woooosh
You're probably fucked to be completely honest. You should have started the process much earlier. The fact that you have no relevant work experience in industry is not good, complemented by how recruiting season for summer '18 is nearly over.
To contrast, I will tell you a bit about myself. I went to a target preschool and killed it. (All check pluses on my report card, organizer and founder of playground tag, had a dime gf, etc.) That's where you really made your first mistake. I networked hard with alumni and was able to find a SA position the local daycare. (think Kindercare) I worked on the M&A team where I brought in a substantial amount of deal flow and revenue for the firm. Worked on a $10 deal where I helped merge Jimmy's piggy bank with Sally's. Can't tell you how much I had to burn the midnight oil on that one, amiright? After that summer I was headhunted by KKR and Carlyle, and the rest was history.
My advice to you would be to try to secure a SA position at a boutique/MM ice cream shop (Dairy Queen, Friendly's, McDonald's) and then try to leverage your network to find your way into a MF/BB (Hood/Breyer's/Blue Bunny) after graduation. You've got a lot of work ahead of you, and I wish you the best. Good luck!
Thanks, I appreciate the honesty. My report card is above the cutoff but not great (3.7 rounded up, majored in Arithmetic minor in Arts & Crafts), but I've been building LBO's on the sidewalk using chalk and have a good recommendation from my piano teacher.
I know a few alum of my elementary school who have gotten into prestigious LDP's (think Toys'R'Us/GameStop) before a top east coast high school, so maybe they can help.
You are absolutely killing me bru! The come backs to some of the comments are gold. Only advise I can give you is: it's OK to put your Arts & Crafts GPA if it's higher than your overall GPA, but make sure to clarify this on your CV or you might fail your background check.
You may be able to make up for your less-than-stellar GPA with good extracurriculars and demonstrated passion. If you have done any trading in the past, you can show interviewers the models you generated when observing different assets.
An associate at a boutique lemonade stand was impressed when I showed him a Black-Scholes model I had utilized when analyzing lemon options to hedge risk against price fluctuations during summer vacation. I advise you to do something similar.
You can tailor your experiences to PE by explaining how the injection of capital into your piggy bank from mommy has helped you grow your Lego set, thus massively increasing both solvent play time and bedroom infrastructure. This has lead you to want to help other children, similar to you, with expanding and growing their toy sets over time.
that's great information.
^complemented. Ding.
OP doesn't know how to write in Ruby and Python yet? And no TensorFlow experience at all, at this stage?
I think you can scratch Venture Capital with a MF off the list as well. Maybe you can find a MM fund that backs lemonade stands and cookie sales first then lateral later on.
complemented*
I lost it at “think kindercare”
Ha ha well written..
I always get a hard-on when I read, hear, talk, and think about financier jargon.
Anyone like me? 😏
You need to get target parents first
Daddy is already a banker (he's a teller at local Wells Fargo branch) and Mommy has a FO role at the grocery store on the corner, so I just want to follow in their footsteps. I'm interested in different industry coverage though so their help is relatively limited.
Fetus with no finance experience, with non-target parents.
This comment is gold.
Go for option 2 and you'll be well equipped to sweep the floor at a top PE shop.
Or
Get a life rather than shitposting
Shit posts are the best posts
Meh, not the "aspiring investment banker / elementary / high schooler" posts. Too many of them already.
As most comments here attest, things are looking pretty bleak for you as is. I would recommend starting your CFA Level 1 prep as soon as possible. That way, you may be able to follow Daddy's footsteps and be a retail banker in a tier 3 market (think Ohio, Arkansas, Chattanooga). At least, you can tell your friends your a "banker".
Thanks for the advice. I've been looking at the HBS 4+4+4+2+2 MBA program as well, but looks like that's only for the real gunners.
Choked on my coffee, dammit. +1 SB to you.
LOL. But honestly, what's stopping HBS from setting up a 4+4+4+2+2+2 program?
Your parents should've started reading Principles of Financial Accounting and Advanced Excel while you were still in the womb. You never know if you're going to run into an MD on the elevator on your way home from the hospital so you need to be ready to pitch them. How else are you going to outpace the competition?
Daddy made a LinkedIn page for me while Mommy was pregnant saying Incoming Private Equity Associate, so I think I've got that covered at least!
Lol. Incoming PE Associate.
You are born this way.
Anyone have a timetable on IB SA Summer 2031 recruiting? When should I start reaching out to people?
I've been looking for the megathread as well.
Am I missing something here? The only real international Tier-1 ice cream shop is Haagen-Dazs.
Finance Recruiting only gets even earlier from here
Good luck to you man , if recruiting doesn't work out there is always a Nova MSF to get you to BB IBD
Found The Onion of WSO. u got my bananas
Hi, I'm going to be blunt - it doesn't look good for you. The answer is network, network network. Teachers, parents of classmates, classmates, school principal, janitors, that one kid who never talks...
Never thought of that! Our janitor is actually ex-Lehman so he might have some old contacts.
This is pure gold.
What the FUCK? You have BR and DQ above Cold Stone and Ben &Jerry’s? You are doomed to a no preftige life buddy.
Hey man I didn't make the Vault rankings.
Have you considered going into Trading (as an alternative to PE/IB)? My advice is save your monthly salary and start purchasing booster packs. If you manage to collect enough cards and make the trade for a holographic Charizard from Toyo's Card Shop down the street, some HF's may be willing to give you a chance at an unpaid internship.
Legend has it Ray Dalio got his start at Toyo's flipping 1st edition packs.
With so much time ahead of you, have you considered non-public markets? Try networking with the big kids and learn to sell vapes and other commodities on the secondary market.
Lemonade stands are a great option to build your resume and is a great segway into restructuring. A lot of kids are borrowing money from their parents to start these stands and then spending it all on candy, triggering covenant breaches. Seeking employment at one of these stands is a great opportunity for you.
Mister I believe you meant "segue"? I'm not sure but I did get 3rd place in last year's spelling bee :)
Cultured and acute attention to detail buddy. Have you considered options for risk management or compliance?
Any particular reason to chose PE over VC? From what I read I clearly see a startup->VC path, but no clear way into PE.
Entrepreneurial experience is always a plus in any VC interview, and the exposure to "avant-gard" tech will set ground for strong interview stories. I assume this tech startup is prolly on series B (given they have proven both product AND market), which means they've already secured some serious sponsors (I'm talking grandma/granddad money).
As for the stock options in early stage startups, they're always WORTHLESS -especially if you don't plan to make a career out of it. Instead, you can try to capitalize this experience by getting more exposure to the sponsors and maybe get invited for cookies at their headquarters from time to time.
If you don't have a strong GPA, you can try one of many out-of-the-box options to make up for the lack of an analytical background. My brother taught himself accounting in order to show mommy that I was stealing pennies from his piggy bank, a story that eventually got him an offer from a top-tier auditing firm. Another friend got into several ib interviews after successfully launching a search-fund that focused on high-end souvenirs from his family vacations.
Best of lucks in your search and feel free to contact me if you ever feel like further discussing this over juice.
You're screwed.
I attended a non-target womb, but I kicked and screamed and landed at a top firm (C-Section). Presently, I head up C-Section's early birth team.
Recruiting is over for next year, so you may have to look at lesser shops, like Exit-by-Vagina. However, since you claim to be in elementary school, you may not qualify.
Good luck!
Listen kid, broaden your horizons and go the consulting route. That will give you the entrepreneurial skills to start your own boutique shop. Someone needs to corner the arbitrage opportunity with gundam model kits. that could be you.
POTY right here.
Tommy from second grade with the 64 pack of Crayons is my idol..this dude fucks...
I missed my dream op to lateral into a Top-Tier Legos group as I failed my drug test due to a few back to back days of skipping nap time and eating apple juice concentrate pops..I'll be lucky to make it into a Mega-Bloks group at this point..
This is the funniest shit I've read in a long, long time. I'm glad I'm back on WSO after a 4 year hiatus. Now I remember why I was spending 2 hrs a day in this fucking place.
You gotta pump those numbers up. Those are rookie numbers in this racket.
Jesus Christ, I almost died reading this entire thread.. :)
Don't worry. You've still got time. None of this will matter for about another 10 years anyway. Take your time, and work hard, and you'll reach those goals in no time. Don't grow up too soon. You don't want to grow up to become a spaz or retard who spends hours on internet forums.
Relax kid, it's too early for this. Enjoy your childhood...
Seriously one of my favorite post of all time and it gets better with the thread of follow on comments!
Hello, dear! To be honest, I did not have experience with such situation as yours, but I am completely sure, that it’s never too late to do smth. That you would like to do :) So wish you good luck in this issue!
Rising First Grader need tips for IB (Originally Posted: 07/03/2017)
Hello.
I am able to read colorful books and I can count my fingers and toes. Mommy says I am a smart cookie and I make her proud.
I am currently enrolled in a semi-target grade school in the first grade (think tier 1 mascot (lions, tigers, dragons, bears), milk in both pouch and carton form and all the naps I want). What can I do to position myself for IB?
I haven't pooped or peed myself in a week now and I think I am ready to interview when the time comes (in a bit over a decade or so). I will not be able to respond to your posts because I'm not supposed to talk to strangers, but I will read them if it's not past my bed time.
Thank you.
OP's incredible satire on, how "positioning for IB" is getting ridiculously early nowadays.
You like pixie sticks?
Try taking lines of them. Use your library card to make the lines clean. This is good practice for IB.
You're too late! They already finished their accelerated 2025 8th grade Summer Pencil Pushers. You need to network with the Summer Excel Monkeys 2026 and MDs like ASAP. Start a linkedin and start messaging people!
-this is pretty funny! +SB
8 year old interested in investment banking - tips? (Originally Posted: 04/25/2011)
Saw the post by the 8th graderand thought if he could start early why not me? Anyway, 3rd grader here and I am positive I want to go into banking and eventually private equity. I am practicing for my SATs to get into a target and got a 2030 on my last exam. In addition, I have straight Es (for excellent) on my report cards and play the recorder very well. As a bonus, I have more gold stars than anyone in my class including that bitch Tammy who is such a suck up.
In addition, my dad works at a small finance firm called Middleview partners or something so many he can help me get to wall street :)
What advice do you have wso?
Dear firefighter,
I am not quite sure if this post is intended to be taken seriously, or if it is just another form of insult. If it is serious, here is the advice I have for you, from one young investment banking hopeful to another.
First and foremost, do not rely on this site for information, especially at your age. People will resort to calling you names, simply because they are jealous they did not start as early as we did (although fourth grade does seem a little bit too early).
Try to improve your SAT score. You need to get one in the 2300s to be a real candidate for a target school.
Do not report your grades at this age (since it appears that they are not real), or your recorder playing ability, since that is irrelevant to investment banking, and finance in general.
Try not to swear in posts on this site, since it lowers your credibility and puts you on the level of the other jerks.
If you continue on the path you are on for the rest of you schooling, you will most likely be able to become an investment banker.
Make sure you apply to Exeter. As an alum, I can vouch for the school's excellence.
Hey kid, it's never too early to start! I wish someone told me about banking when I was ~10 years old. I definitely wouldn't have wasted my time place Counter-Strike. My advices:
RSS the following blogs: DealBreaker, WSJ Deal Journal, NYT DealBook, HBR.org (this will prepare you for your future c-level positions), Epicurean Dealmaker, Zen Habits. I recommend using Google Reader; it allows you to read old news as well.
Read the following books. Make sure to take notes: *How To Win Friends & Influence People *Crash of the Titans: Greed, Hubris, the Fall of Merrill Lynch, and the Near-Collapse of Bank of America *King of Capital: The Remarkable Rise, Fall, and Rise Again of Steve Schwarzman and Blackstone *Dethroning the King: The Hostile Takeover of Anheuser-Busch, an American Icon *Investment Banking: Valuation, Leveraged Buyouts, and Mergers and Acquisitions *Fatal Risk: A Cautionary Tale of AIG's Corporate Suicide *Monkey Business *The Mystery Method: How to Get Beautiful Women Into Bed *Barbarians at the Gate: The Fall of RJR Nabisco *The Practitioner's Guide to Investment Banking, Mergers & Acquisitions, Corporate Finance (ScoopBooks)
Also, don't waste your time on Liar's Poker. It's old, slow at times, and about Sales & Trading anyways.
Get your SAT score up ASAP, 2030 sucks. If you read all those books and blogs, then your writing/verbal will be 800/800 in no time
Try to get into Taft, I've heard good things about it. Stay away from public high schools. I went to one and still have nightmares about it. No matter what people say, private schools are the way to go.
UVA's McIntire and UMich's Ross are the acceptable state schools, the rest are crap (yup, Bears suck). NYU's Stern is the only private school outside of top-25 US News & Report that's worth attending.
Have you considered sports? You are young right now. If you spend 3-4 hours on one sport for the next 9 years, you'll definitely be able to make D1 team. I recommend golf, tennis, or QB in football. Stay away from swimming & diving.
Its great how successful youngone was.
Fixed #6 for you buddy:
Just when you thought firefighter had some redeeming quality.
I think he was making fun of youngone's post.
The above comment was intended (a) humorously or (b) factually without any insult behind it. People really don't understand sarcasm on this site.
I remember my first time on the internet, man was I gullible.
Shut. the. fuck. up. because. you. don't. know. shit. about. private.schools. Do? you? understand? the? words? that? are? coming? out? of? my? mouth?
comment deleted
(a) Since you quoted my sig, you must understand it.
I was brushing my teeth when I saw this thread and literally spit out my toothpaste laughing.
Do you go to Ethical? No? You're screwed.
I can't believe some posters fall for this (shakes head).
Not sure if srs
Nobody fell for anything. We are simply having a good time and feeding the pet troll.
Dude, if you're just asking now, you're already way behind the curve.
Sorry
EDT: posted on wrong thread
Hey kid,
Don't mean to burst your bubble or anything, but I will start by saying that I am impressed by your demeanor and spirit to pursue this industry at such an age. Unfortunately, we have a few 1st graders that are already being considered for such positions so I would try to break into consulting or maybe corporate banking. Furthermore, you are pretty behind the curve right now, and I think it is too late to catch up at this stage.
Our bank actually hired a second grader for the summer, and he's already building recap models and speaking to a few clients. Though his English is worse than garbage, he is learning pretty quick and already knows how to use excel pretty proficiently. Good luck with everything, I hope it works out.
Frankly I think you have a bit of catching up to do. As Adidas never fails to remind us of, 'Impossible is nothing.' That being said, you're still a few years behind some of your peers but with some hard work and a bit of luck, you may find yourself sitting in an office somewhere between Park & Madison by the year 2035.
A recent influx of M&A-based pre-K curriculum makes the IB pool as competitive as ever. I'd suggest coordinating with your mom so that she can drive you to various charity and networking events after your 3pm soccer practice.
Word to the wise - skip any and all after school events that do not pertain directly towards achieving a FT position IB and/or PE. This includes your 7th grade dance. Trust me, the sugar-loaded juice in the punch bowl won't taste nearly as good as being considered a Master of The Universe after you graduate from HBS in 2050.
Lastly, don't forget to drink your milk.
Set up playdates with the offspring of various MDs and then marry into money.
I laughed way too hard at this post.
You must be 9 by now. How did you do in the last 12 months?
The world is changing so fast. After such post I feel myself like a granny with no perspectives in my life. The only advice I can give you , dude: I can't give you any advices, I just want to wish you luck.
That " United States - Northeast" location tag tho
You are not late at all. You need to start learning from good resources. I suggest you take up some online course and get the basics right. Once you have the basics you can go in the mode technical trading & investing mode. Some online institutes are Elearnmarkets, Udemy, Coursera etc.
This will help you in building your career.
It's time to learn something new
Yeah its never too late
No
We need update!!! I hope you reacted your top east coast high school from the target middle school by now.
Also spoiler alert, Its a joke, for those of you who have been thinking this is for real cause of actual middle school kids asking in this forum lately
It's never too late.
How has this absolutely golden post been out since 2017 and I just stumbled across it. One of the funniest things I have ever read. Only serious question is, are Pokemon or Yugioh considered a more prestigious hobby?
Any updates on this? Have a brother who's in a similar situation
Thx
Recruiting season ended 2 years ago. He missed the cycle.
How is that possible…??? Your not even 18 years old yet.
Quit now too late to the process. Just tryna save u the stress
too late bro
Paper boy route with a lemonade stand on the weekend. You convert the lemonade stand into a franchise model. All new lemonade stands in your school district must pay you a 5% royalty as your cut of the action. 1% goes into a "marketing fund" that enables your 3D printer friend to make marketing fidget spinners / do-dads and you market those with flyers on your paperboy run. For assistance, task the older near pre-teen guys (equal social sway to the bullies, but not bullies bc the of parents) to be your local franchise system developers. They will be tasked with closing (i.e., enforcement but in a nicer "capitalistic" way) on and monitoring their block's emerging lemonade stands. Every stand they roll into your franchise model gets them a one-time $5 commission. The lemonade stand gets your marketing and new network's sway.
There you have it. A full franchise model with a three-tier system with you at the top, franchise fees, a marketing fund, marketing supplier, and distribution network (heck go mail order sales w/the paper route). Eventually you vertically integrate all the marketing.
Find the kid good at math who skipped a grade to check your numbers. He'll do the comfort letter or QoE. Slide the student class president a $10 bill to run your initial public offering, but he can represent the buyers. Hype it up, bring out some toys that day saying you got them with your profits, but same day as the auction so nobody gets jelly. Be sure to tell everyone to bring their allowances because you'll make them rich with the investment opportunity. Establish a price, collect all their money, and then....
The buyers realize they didn't get you, the baller, serial entrepreneur, BMOC, to sign a non-compete agreement.
You solicit all of the existing now pre-teens to be your new franchise developers and don't give up your paper boy run. You quickly re-establish a competing company, putting the oldie out of business, go get the girl you want, and show everyone how there's value in good sell-side / buy-side advisory.
Bring this to your GS interview with your stacked rolodex. Never forget the non-competes. Don't forget me when you're famous.
I mean I would start with an MBA at a minimum.
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