Fucking Cover Letters Kids

For fucks' sakes.

My shop is hiring a new junior (don't ping me, we already have >250 CVs) and reading these shit cover letters. Christ, at least it's easy to ding you.

  • Think about the file name:

Naming your CV: '[joe analyst - IB resume]' makes it pretty fucking obvious that you're not 'passionate about banking', this is just the generic CV you send to banks. Try something like: 'Date - Name - CV'. Also, naming your CV: '[ja - [Bank Name]', fine, we know you're applying to everything, but make it less obvious. If you can't take two seconds to name your CV properly, I don't need much time to ding you. To the last one, it's your fucking CV, put your fucking name on the file. Think about this from the other side, we get hundreds of files all called '[bank name] - CV', get fucked.

Also, fucking kids sending their letters for an IB role and then talking about their passion for portfolio management. If I cared enough I'd make a note to follow up and find out if they ever get hired.

Also, if you're sitting there saying, "what does it matter, it's just a file name?", you've probably never seen an MD scream at an analyst for sending incorrectly named files to a client.

  • Learn to write a fucking letter:

Christ, the formatting on letters that we receive, go back to your god damn overpriced schools and demand a refund on your fucking tuition. A wall of text is not appealing to fucking read and this is not the time to be informal. Remember, I've got hundreds of these to go through, and I can't go do my real job until I get through them all so I'm looking for reasons to throw yours out. Date it, address block, proper forming, subject line, intro paragraph, body, conclusion. I'm sure MS office or google have hundreds of templates. 

  • Concise:

I know you see this a one shot chance to get an interview so you want to put it all out there, but if you can't succinctly convey a message about why we should hire you, you probably can't get an investment thesis onto a single slide. Also, I don't want a three page essay on how you started trading stocks with the inheritance you received from your grandmother as a way to remember your time baking cookies with her. Fuck, you want to be a banker, not some fucking recipe blogger.

  • 'Why you will benefit the team' - NOT - 'what this role will do for you': 

I don't care if this role will help you become the financial professional you want to be. How will hiring you make my job easier, and how would having you on the team make us more money

  • Christ - Exit Opportunities:

How is this still a thing? I still see cover letters that say "I want to work for your bank so I can go to PE or VC". Fuck, what if I said "I'm only interviewing you so I can take a run at your sister"?

A while back GS said that the average analyst pays back the cost of hiring them at around the 18 month mark. So if you plan on leaving after two years, you're a bad hire and a wasted fucking investment. 

  • Make sure you change all the names when you Change All:

This one I actually like, when you reuse a letter and miss out on changing all the company names. Keep doing this.

  • General bullshit:

I work for a small boutique, so writing that you've spoken to former analysts, Pretty ballsy. Actually, we are going to give those two kids first round interviews so we can ask them over the phone who they were talking to, it's worth the 10 minutes. 

Also, get the name of the fucking bank correct, three kids today managed to misspell my fucking bank's name.

PDF your shit. Don't send a fucking word document. Jesus fuck. 


Here's a free one, if you're applying to big banks, realise that the first filter is either someone from HR, that knows fuck-all about banking, or a computer. So, copy the text from the post and make sure all the key words are used in the body, that way either the computer or the HR hack will tick it and pass it to someone that might actually read it.

 
Funniest

CL* not CV, pls fix - I expected more attention to detail from someone who dings kids for CL file names

 

hahaha GOT EM! Seriously, cover letter is so 1980s. Who are you recruiting?
I have learned that a Cover Letter is a complete waste of time throughout my career for evaluating students and even myself.

 

Chill tf out. Imagine projecting your frustration of having to look through cover letters all day onto kids just trying to get a job. Cover letters are fucking stupid anyway. Everyone is going to say all the same generic bullshit and throw a bunch of meaningless buzzwords in there. Sorry you don't feel special that people aren't writing thoughtful and intricate essays on why they want to work at your boutique. Dudes are coming out of school in a shitty job market and applying to hundreds of jobs. People don't have time for that. Why don't you guys just a be a normal bank and hire on nepotism and kids who have networked? 

 

Kinda functions as a writing sample though. If one can't write concisely in a one page letter what makes you think he's a better writer for 10-page essays?

 

But it gets people to talk about their achievements in a very fake way. Not to mention that it all boils down to getting the "formula" right.

If you ask someone to submit a simple writing sample (of a say 5 paragraph essay you once wrote for a class) it's still a very quick read and you can easily gauge the writing skills and style of that person.

Might actually differentiate you from other candidates.

 

You sound like an absolutely miserable clown probably working for a shit tier bank. Sorry for your loss. 

Separately, and legitimate question here, how do you actually give a fuck about anything recruitment related and why are you even involved? Directors at my bank are absolutely coasting and enjoying their lives making a fuckton of money for pretty much either delegating or building out their "calling effort". These tasks should be in the purview of junior VPs and associates. Clown status is confirmed.

 

Jesus fucking christ. This is pathetic. I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt and chalk it up to you being stressed with work and using this as an excuse to rant. That's fair. We all do it.

But if you seriously believe every fucking thing you just wrote after taking a few laps around the block.... let me give you a hint. You're the problem lol.

Last but not least, why the fuck are you reading cover letters? They don't give that task to top bucket performers in any group. Hope that gives you a hint.

 

overpaid_overworked

For fucks' sakes.

My shop is hiring a new junior (don't ping me, we already have >250 CVs) and reading these shit cover letters. Christ, at least it's easy to ding you.

  • Think about the file name:

Naming your CV: '[joe analyst - IB resume]' makes it pretty fucking obvious that you're not 'passionate about banking', this is just the generic CV you send to banks. Try something like: 'Date - Name - CV'. Also, naming your CV: '[ja - [Bank Name]', fine, we know you're applying to everything, but make it less obvious. If you can't take two seconds to name your CV properly, I don't need much time to ding you. To the last one, it's your fucking CV, put your fucking name on the file. Think about this from the other side, we get hundreds of files all called '[bank name] - CV', get fucked.

Also, fucking kids sending their letters for an IB role and then talking about their passion for portfolio management. If I cared enough I'd make a note to follow up and find out if they ever get hired.

Also, if you're sitting there saying, "what does it matter, it's just a file name?", you've probably never seen an MD scream at an analyst for sending incorrectly named files to a client.

  • Learn to write a fucking letter:

Christ, the formatting on letters that we receive, go back to your god damn overpriced schools and demand a refund on your fucking tuition. A wall of text is not appealing to fucking read and this is not the time to be informal. Remember, I've got hundreds of these to go through, and I can't go do my real job until I get through them all so I'm looking for reasons to throw yours out. Date it, address block, proper forming, subject line, intro paragraph, body, conclusion. I'm sure MS office or google have hundreds of templates. 

  • Concise:

I know you see this a one shot chance to get an interview so you want to put it all out there, but if you can't succinctly convey a message about why we should hire you, you probably can't get an investment thesis onto a single slide. Also, I don't want a three page essay on how you started trading stocks with the inheritance you received from your grandmother as a way to remember your time baking cookies with her. Fuck, you want to be a banker, not some fucking recipe blogger.

  • 'Why you will benefit the team' - NOT - 'what this role will do for you': 

I don't care if this role will help you become the financial professional you want to be. How will hiring you make my job easier, and how would having you on the team make us more money

  • Christ - Exit Opportunities:

How is this still a thing? I still see cover letters that say "I want to work for your bank so I can go to PE or VC". Fuck, what if I said "I'm only interviewing you so I can take a run at your sister"?

A while back GS said that the average analyst pays back the cost of hiring them at around the 18 month mark. So if you plan on leaving after two years, you're a bad hire and a wasted fucking investment. 

  • Make sure you change all the names when you Change All:

This one I actually like, when you reuse a letter and miss out on changing all the company names. Keep doing this.

  • General bullshit:

I work for a small boutique, so writing that you've spoken to former analysts, Pretty ballsy. Actually, we are going to give those two kids first round interviews so we can ask them over the phone who they were talking to, it's worth the 10 minutes. 

Also, get the name of the fucking bank correct, three kids today managed to misspell my fucking bank's name.

PDF your shit. Don't send a fucking word document. Jesus fuck. 

Here's a free one, if you're applying to big banks, realise that the first filter is either someone from HR, that knows fuck-all about banking, or a computer. So, copy the text from the post and make sure all the key words are used in the body, that way either the computer or the HR hack will tick it and pass it to someone that might actually read it.

So basically you're athiest?

"If you always put limits on everything you do, physical or anything else, it will spread into your work and into your life. There are no limits. There are only plateaus, and you must not stay there, you must go beyond them." - Bruce Lee
 

Dude you're a fucking loser. You may be a 'Director' but no way in hell you would have gotten to that point if you were just starting today. Just statistically speaking (literally not talking about your character or anything), highly unlikely you'd even break in as a junior. Seriously, just look around for a second. You won the genetic lottery congratulations now go fuck yourself little bitch.

I only graduated just about three years ago now, but I also doubt I would have been able to break in today's environment just saying.

 

Non target, non diversity, no networking,no previous internship.

Thanks to my Cover letter, I literally got offers from every single bank. I had everyome from HR to Directors directly message me to say "your Cover letter blew me away, let's talk".

Agree with OP. Learn to write, learn to communicate, and learn to sell yourself.

 

This is the problem with all of you guys asking for a PM. If you need to see someones cover letter to try and emulate it, you need to figure your shit out and find out what it is about yourself that makes you unique and how to show an employer that.

 

Brother, plz pm me. As you can see my profile pic 2021 has been tough. Hopefully writing impressive CVS can brighten this year up

 

Dear OP, this is excellent feedback to someone who asked for help or asked for your feedback. But instead you are venting your fucking frustration anonymously here on a public forum where even if you are right (and tb fucking h you kinda are). Your effort will go a little sideways. I have no clue how fucker like you cannot see it :)

Also soem snowflakes unnecessarily triggered here :( you should be able to filter the offensive bulshit and try to understand the content. There certainly is some self-improvement space available. Hard the fuck up.... little bit.

 

Lol you work at a boutique and acting like you are some sort of deity that is so above everyone else. I genuinely feel bad for these poor college kids that have to work under you. Its people like you that give IB a bad rep. 

and PS, your boutique is literally all these kids backup option because they couldnt land at a MM and BB. No one actually wants to work at your company bro

 

My boss made a comment about reading something in my cover letter one time and I almost lold like wtf you actually read that??  Who tf reads those?  It’s similar to people asking “why this bank?” followed by my obviously bs answer that you and I both know isn’t genuine.  Ask stupid questions get stupid answers