8 years old with no finance experience, too late to get into PE?

AllStateRap's picture
Rank: Neanderthal | banana points 2,201

Hi everyone.

I go to a top feeder elementary school and hoping to get into MM or hopefully MF PE down the line. I'm trying to transfer to a target middle school soon so I can work my way into an elite prep HS -> HYP -> BB -> MM/MF -> HBS -> MF. I just got a piggy bank but a few friends already have front office roles lined up and I don't want to fall behind.

I've lined up a few options for next summer:

Option 1
Local public sector position: I got a mail route in my neighborhood and daddy just taught me how to ride a bike so I think I'll be able to leverage that, but I'm afraid I'll be pigeonholed into federal work down the line. Early hours aren't great but might be good preparation for IB.

Option 2
International Tier-2 ice cream shop (think Ben&Jerrys/Coldstone): Networked with a family friend and he's letting me sweep the floors, $2/hour no bonus structure. I could probably leverage this into Tier-1 ice cream (DQ/BR) next summer and transition into a corporate role. Work life balance may be an issue.

Option 3
Tech start-up biz dev: Noah from down the street has an older brother with a 3D printer. He makes custom pogs and sells them and needs a guy to help expand to other playgrounds. The travel is a perk but concerned about risky stock options.

I'm getting a bit tired from my sugar crash and need to nap soon but any advice would greatly appreciated.

-Timmy

Mod Note (Andy): top 50 posts of 2017, this one ranks #1 (based on # of silver bananas)

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Comments (91)

Nov 7, 2017

8 Year olds do not write that well...

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Nov 7, 2017

Thanks! I got a sticker on my last writing assignment and have been studying my vocab list every day, so I'm glad you noticed :) I'm in the running for the gifted program, do you think it's a good idea? I'm concerned about my GPA suffering from the harder courses.

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Best Response
Nov 8, 2017

You're probably fucked to be completely honest. You should have started the process much earlier. The fact that you have no relevant work experience in industry is not good, complimented by how recruiting season for summer '18 is nearly over.

To contrast, I will tell you a bit about myself. I went to a target preschool and killed it. (All check pluses on my report card, organizer and founder of playground tag, had a dime gf, etc.) That's where you really made your first mistake. I networked hard with alumni and was able to find a SA position the local daycare. (think Kindercare) I worked on the M&A team where I brought in a substantial amount of deal flow and revenue for the firm. Worked on a $10 deal where I helped merge Jimmy's piggy bank with Sally's. Can't tell you how much I had to burn the midnight oil on that one, amiright? After that summer I was headhunted by KKR and Carlyle, and the rest was history.

My advice to you would be to try to secure a SA position at a boutique/MM ice cream shop (Dairy Queen, Friendly's, McDonald's) and then try to leverage your network to find your way into a MF/BB (Hood/Breyer's/Blue Bunny) after graduation. You've got a lot of work ahead of you, and I wish you the best. Good luck!

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Nov 7, 2017

Thanks, I appreciate the honesty. My report card is above the cutoff but not great (3.7 rounded up, majored in Arithmetic minor in Arts & Crafts), but I've been building LBO's on the sidewalk using chalk and have a good recommendation from my piano teacher.

I know a few alum of my elementary school who have gotten into prestigious LDP's (think Toys'R'Us/GameStop) before a top east coast high school, so maybe they can help.

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Nov 7, 2017

You are absolutely killing me bru! The come backs to some of the comments are gold. Only advise I can give you is: it's OK to put your Arts & Crafts GPA if it's higher than your overall GPA, but make sure to clarify this on your CV or you might fail your background check.

    • 18
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Nov 7, 2017

Yeah this is gold. I don't know why anyone threw MS at him. If you can't find the humor in this you need to re-evaluate.

    • 9
Nov 7, 2017

You may be able to make up for your less-than-stellar GPA with good extracurriculars and demonstrated passion. If you have done any trading in the past, you can show interviewers the models you generated when observing different assets.

An associate at a boutique lemonade stand was impressed when I showed him a Black-Scholes model I had utilized when analyzing lemon options to hedge risk against price fluctuations during summer vacation. I advise you to do something similar.

You can tailor your experiences to PE by explaining how the injection of capital into your piggy bank from mommy has helped you grow your Lego set, thus massively increasing both solvent play time and bedroom infrastructure. This has lead you to want to help other children, similar to you, with expanding and growing their toy sets over time.

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Nov 7, 2017

I admit I fooled around a lot from ages 0-7 so my backstory isn't that compelling, but this makes a lot of sense. I was considering the lemonade option but was concerned about exit opps. The role lends itself well to the trading desk, maybe less so to PE. In addition, the sugar market has been a bit bullish lately.

I've also been eyeing some alternative "cryptocurrencies" recently, specifically the Pokemon and Yugioh card markets. Some of my friends have turned into Pokemasters seemingly overnight, but I'm afraid it's a bubble and am too risk-averse at this stage.

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Nov 10, 2017

"I've also been eyeing some alternative "cryptocurrencies" recently, specifically the Pokemon and Yugioh card markets. Some of my friends have turned into Pokemasters seemingly overnight, but I'm afraid it's a bubble and am too risk-averse at this stage."

this is gold.

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Nov 13, 2017

Careful. Some people actually believe crypto is real money. don't want to "offend" anyone.

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Nov 20, 2017

Pokecards comment made me spit out my drink. Well done sir

Dec 27, 2017
AllStateRap:

I admit I fooled around a lot from ages 0-7 so

You're killing me, man! I also haven't posted in years, but this is too much gold. SB for you!

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Nov 8, 2017

that's great information.

Nov 7, 2017

^complemented. Ding.

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Nov 7, 2017

OP doesn't know how to write in Ruby and Python yet? And no TensorFlow experience at all, at this stage?

I think you can scratch Venture Capital with a MF off the list as well. Maybe you can find a MM fund that backs lemonade stands and cookie sales first then lateral later on.

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Nov 8, 2017

Can I invite you to my apartment for cookies and koolaid? I could really help you get a leg up..

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Nov 8, 2017

omg

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Nov 11, 2017

perhaps more than a "leg up."

    • 4
Nov 8, 2017

complemented*

    • 2
Nov 7, 2017

You need to get target parents first

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Nov 7, 2017

Daddy is already a banker (he's a teller at local Wells Fargo branch) and Mommy has a FO role at the grocery store on the corner, so I just want to follow in their footsteps. I'm interested in different industry coverage though so their help is relatively limited.

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Nov 7, 2017

Fetus with no finance experience, with non-target parents.

"Work ethic, work ethic" - Vince Vaughn
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Nov 13, 2017

This comment is gold.

Nov 7, 2017

Go for option 2 and you'll be well equipped to sweep the floor at a top PE shop.

Or

Get a life rather than shitposting

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Nov 7, 2017

Shit posts are the best posts

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Nov 8, 2017

Meh, not the "aspiring investment banker / elementary / high schooler" posts. Too many of them already.

    • 13
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Nov 7, 2017

As most comments here attest, things are looking pretty bleak for you as is. I would recommend starting your CFA Level 1 prep as soon as possible. That way, you may be able to follow Daddy's footsteps and be a retail banker in a tier 3 market (think Ohio, Arkansas, Chattanooga). At least, you can tell your friends your a "banker".

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Nov 7, 2017

Thanks for the advice. I've been looking at the HBS 4+4+4+2+2 MBA program as well, but looks like that's only for the real gunners.

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Nov 8, 2017
AllStateRap:

HBS 4+4+4+2+2

Choked on my coffee, dammit. +1 SB to you.

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Nov 13, 2017

I know, right. OP has netted more nanners from this one thread than many have in years of posting.

Nov 8, 2017

Your parents should've started reading Principles of Financial Accounting and Advanced Excel while you were still in the womb. You never know if you're going to run into an MD on the elevator on your way home from the hospital so you need to be ready to pitch them. How else are you going to outpace the competition?

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Nov 8, 2017

Daddy made a LinkedIn page for me while Mommy was pregnant saying Incoming Private Equity Associate, so I think I've got that covered at least!

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Dec 20, 2017

Lol. Incoming PE Associate.

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Dec 20, 2017

You are born this way.

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Nov 8, 2017

Anyone have a timetable on IB SA Summer 2031 recruiting? When should I start reaching out to people?

"Work ethic, work ethic" - Vince Vaughn
    • 19
Nov 8, 2017

I've been looking for the megathread as well.

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Nov 8, 2017

Am I missing something here? The only real international Tier-1 ice cream shop is Haagen-Dazs.

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Nov 8, 2017

Finance Recruiting only gets even earlier from here

Nov 8, 2017

Good luck to you man , if recruiting doesn't work out there is always a Nova MSF to get you to BB IBD

Nov 8, 2017

Found The Onion of WSO. u got my bananas

//Signed//
MLang

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Nov 8, 2017

Hi,
I'm going to be blunt - it doesn't look good for you.
The answer is network, network network. Teachers, parents of classmates, classmates, school principal, janitors, that one kid who never talks...

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Nov 8, 2017

Never thought of that! Our janitor is actually ex-Lehman so he might have some old contacts.

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Nov 9, 2017

This is pure gold.

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Nov 9, 2017

What the FUCK? You have BR and DQ above Cold Stone and Ben &Jerry's? You are doomed to a no preftige life buddy.

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Nov 9, 2017

Hey man I didn't make the Vault rankings.

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Nov 10, 2017

Have you considered going into Trading (as an alternative to PE/IB)? My advice is save your monthly salary and start purchasing booster packs. If you manage to collect enough cards and make the trade for a holographic Charizard from Toyo's Card Shop down the street, some HF's may be willing to give you a chance at an unpaid internship.

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Nov 10, 2017

Legend has it Ray Dalio got his start at Toyo's flipping 1st edition packs.

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Nov 10, 2017

With so much time ahead of you, have you considered non-public markets? Try networking with the big kids and learn to sell vapes and other commodities on the secondary market.

    • 5
Nov 10, 2017

Lemonade stands are a great option to build your resume and is a great segway into restructuring. A lot of kids are borrowing money from their parents to start these stands and then spending it all on candy, triggering covenant breaches. Seeking employment at one of these stands is a great opportunity for you.

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Nov 10, 2017

Mister I believe you meant "segue"? I'm not sure but I did get 3rd place in last year's spelling bee :)

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Nov 21, 2017

Cultured and acute attention to detail buddy. Have you considered options for risk management or compliance?

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Nov 10, 2017

Any particular reason to chose PE over VC? From what I read I clearly see a startup->VC path, but no clear way into PE.

Entrepreneurial experience is always a plus in any VC interview, and the exposure to "avant-gard" tech will set ground for strong interview stories. I assume this tech startup is prolly on series B (given they have proven both product AND market), which means they've already secured some serious sponsors (I'm talking grandma/granddad money).

As for the stock options in early stage startups, they're always WORTHLESS -especially if you don't plan to make a career out of it. Instead, you can try to capitalize this experience by getting more exposure to the sponsors and maybe get invited for cookies at their headquarters from time to time.

If you don't have a strong GPA, you can try one of many out-of-the-box options to make up for the lack of an analytical background. My brother taught himself accounting in order to show mommy that I was stealing pennies from his piggy bank, a story that eventually got him an offer from a top-tier auditing firm. Another friend got into several ib interviews after successfully launching a search-fund that focused on high-end souvenirs from his family vacations.

Best of lucks in your search and feel free to contact me if you ever feel like further discussing this over juice.

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Nov 10, 2017

You're screwed.

I attended a non-target womb, but I kicked and screamed and landed at a top firm (C-Section). Presently, I head up C-Section's early birth team.

Recruiting is over for next year, so you may have to look at lesser shops, like Exit-by-Vagina. However, since you claim to be in elementary school, you may not qualify.

Good luck!

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Nov 11, 2017

Listen kid, broaden your horizons and go the consulting route. That will give you the entrepreneurial skills to start your own boutique shop. Someone needs to corner the arbitrage opportunity with gundam model kits. that could be you.

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Nov 13, 2017

POTY right here.

Nov 14, 2017

Tommy from second grade with the 64 pack of Crayons is my idol..this dude fucks...

I missed my dream op to lateral into a Top-Tier Legos group as I failed my drug test due to a few back to back days of skipping nap time and eating apple juice concentrate pops..I'll be lucky to make it into a Mega-Bloks group at this point..

    • 4
Nov 16, 2017

This is the funniest shit I've read in a long, long time. I'm glad I'm back on WSO after a 4 year hiatus. Now I remember why I was spending 2 hrs a day in this fucking place.

    • 3
Nov 16, 2017
sonibubu:

This is the funniest shit I've read in a long, long time. I'm glad I'm back on WSO after a 4 year hiatus. Now I remember why I was spending 2 hrs a day in this fucking place.

You gotta pump those numbers up. Those are rookie numbers in this racket.

When I pull a deal off the table, I leave Nagasaki behind

    • 10
Nov 17, 2017

Jesus Christ, I almost died reading this entire thread.. :)

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Dec 30, 2017

Don't worry. You've still got time. None of this will matter for about another 10 years anyway. Take your time, and work hard, and you'll reach those goals in no time. Don't grow up too soon. You don't want to grow up to become a spaz or retard who spends hours on internet forums.

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Jan 1, 2018

Relax kid, it's too early for this. Enjoy your childhood...

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Jan 5, 2018

Seriously one of my favorite post of all time and it gets better with the thread of follow on comments!

"All men are alike in their dreams, and all men are alike in the promises
they make. The difference is what they do."-- Jean Baptiste Moliere

    • 1
Apr 9, 2018

Hello, dear! To be honest, I did not have experience with such situation as yours, but I am completely sure, that it's never too late to do smth. That you would like to do :) So wish you good luck in this issue!

Hi, dear! I have just seen your question about theresume editing service and have decided to answer it, because some time ago I had almost the same issue and I did not know where to find the answers.

Apr 9, 2018

OP's incredible satire on, how "positioning for IB" is getting ridiculously early nowadays.

Apr 9, 2018

You like pixie sticks?

Try taking lines of them. Use your library card to make the lines clean. This is good practice for IB.

"If you always put limits on everything you do, physical or anything else, it will spread into your work and into your life. There are no limits. There are only plateaus, and you must not stay there, you must go beyond them." - Bruce Lee

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Apr 9, 2018

You're too late! They already finished their accelerated 2025 8th grade Summer Pencil Pushers. You need to network with the Summer Excel Monkeys 2026 and MDs like ASAP. Start a linkedin and start messaging people!

-this is pretty funny! +SB

    • 1
Apr 9, 2018

Dear firefighter,

I am not quite sure if this post is intended to be taken seriously, or if it is just another form of insult.
If it is serious, here is the advice I have for you, from one young investment banking hopeful to another.

  1. First and foremost, do not rely on this site for information, especially at your age. People will resort to calling you names, simply because they are jealous they did not start as early as we did (although fourth grade does seem a little bit too early).
  2. Try to improve your SAT score. You need to get one in the 2300s to be a real candidate for a target school.
  3. Do not report your grades at this age (since it appears that they are not real), or your recorder playing ability, since that is irrelevant to investment banking, and finance in general.
  4. Try not to swear in posts on this site, since it lowers your credibility and puts you on the level of the other jerks.

If you continue on the path you are on for the rest of you schooling, you will most likely be able to become an investment banker.

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Apr 9, 2018

Make sure you apply to Exeter. As an alum, I can vouch for the school's excellence.

Apr 9, 2018
firefighter:

I am practicing for my SATs to get into a target and got a 2030 on my last exam. In addition, I have straight Es (for excellent) on my report cards and play the recorder very well. As a bonus, I have more gold stars than anyone in my class including that bitch Tammy who is such a suck up.

In addition, my dad works at a small finance firm called Middleview partners or something so many he can help me get to wall street :)

Hey kid, it's never too early to start! I wish someone told me about banking when I was ~10 years old. I definitely wouldn't have wasted my time place Counter-Strike. My advices:

  1. RSS the following blogs: DealBreaker, WSJ Deal Journal, NYT DealBook, HBR.org (this will prepare you for your future c-level positions), Epicurean Dealmaker, Zen Habits. I recommend using Google Reader; it allows you to read old news as well.
  2. Read the following books. Make sure to take notes:
    *How To Win Friends & Influence People
    *Crash of the Titans: Greed, Hubris, the Fall of Merrill Lynch, and the Near-Collapse of Bank of America
    *King of Capital: The Remarkable Rise, Fall, and Rise Again of Steve Schwarzman and Blackstone
    *Dethroning the King: The Hostile Takeover of Anheuser-Busch, an American Icon
    *Investment Banking: Valuation, Leveraged Buyouts, and Mergers and Acquisitions
    *Fatal Risk: A Cautionary Tale of AIG's Corporate Suicide
    *Monkey Business
    *The Mystery Method: How to Get Beautiful Women Into Bed
    *Barbarians at the Gate: The Fall of RJR Nabisco
    *The Practitioner's Guide to Investment Banking, Mergers & Acquisitions, Corporate Finance (ScoopBooks)

Also, don't waste your time on Liar's Poker. It's old, slow at times, and about Sales & Trading anyways.

  1. Get your SAT score up ASAP, 2030 sucks. If you read all those books and blogs, then your writing/verbal will be 800/800 in no time
  2. Try to get into Taft, I've heard good things about it. Stay away from public high schools. I went to one and still have nightmares about it. No matter what people say, private schools are the way to go.
  3. UVA's McIntire and UMich's Ross are the acceptable state schools, the rest are crap (yup, Bears suck). NYU's Stern is the only private school outside of top-25 US News & Report that's worth attending.
  4. Have you considered sports? You are young right now. If you spend 3-4 hours on one sport for the next 9 years, you'll definitely be able to make D1 team. I recommend golf, tennis, or QB in football. Stay away from swimming & diving.
    • 2
Apr 9, 2018
The Phantom:
firefighter:

I am practicing for my SATs to get into a target and got a 2030 on my last exam. In addition, I have straight Es (for excellent) on my report cards and play the recorder very well. As a bonus, I have more gold stars than anyone in my class including that bitch Tammy who is such a suck up.

In addition, my dad works at a small finance firm called Middleview partners or something so many he can help me get to wall street :)

Hey kid, it's never too early to start! I wish someone told me about banking when I was ~10 years old. I definitely wouldn't have wasted my time place Counter-Strike. My advices:

  1. RSS the following blogs: DealBreaker, WSJ Deal Journal, NYT DealBook, HBR.org (this will prepare you for your future c-level positions), Epicurean Dealmaker, Zen Habits. I recommend using Google Reader; it allows you to read old news as well.
  2. Read the following books. Make sure to take notes:
    *How To Win Friends & Influence People
    *Crash of the Titans: Greed, Hubris, the Fall of Merrill Lynch, and the Near-Collapse of Bank of America
    *King of Capital: The Remarkable Rise, Fall, and Rise Again of Steve Schwarzman and Blackstone
    *Dethroning the King: The Hostile Takeover of Anheuser-Busch, an American Icon
    *Investment Banking: Valuation, Leveraged Buyouts, and Mergers and Acquisitions
    *Fatal Risk: A Cautionary Tale of AIG's Corporate Suicide
    *Monkey Business
    *The Mystery Method: How to Get Beautiful Women Into Bed
    *Barbarians at the Gate: The Fall of RJR Nabisco
    *The Practitioner's Guide to Investment Banking, Mergers & Acquisitions, Corporate Finance (ScoopBooks)

Also, don't waste your time on Liar's Poker. It's old, slow at times, and about Sales & Trading anyways.

  1. Get your SAT score up ASAP, 2030 sucks. If you read all those books and blogs, then your writing/verbal will be 800/800 in no time
  2. Try to get into Taft, I've heard good things about it. Stay away from public high schools. I went to one and still have nightmares about it. No matter what people say, private schools are the way to go.
  3. UVA's McIntire and UMich's Ross are the acceptable state schools, the rest are crap (yup, Bears suck). NYU's Stern is the only private school outside of top-25 US News & Report that's worth attending.
  4. Have you considered sports? You are young right now. If you spend 3-4 hours on one sport for the next 9 years, you'll definitely be able to make D1 team. I recommend golf, tennis, or QB in football. Stay away from swimming & diving.

Its great how successful youngone was.

Apr 9, 2018

Fixed #6 for you buddy:

  1. Have you considered sports? You are young right now. If you spend 3-4 hours/day on one sport for the next 9 years, you'll definitely be able to make a D1 team. This will look great on your resume. Stick with individual spots such as golf, tennis, swimming, running, etc. Forget about team sports (water polo, football, soccer); do you really want your success to be depended on a bunch of teammates/clowns?
Apr 9, 2018

Just when you thought firefighter had some redeeming quality.

Apr 9, 2018
A Posse Ad Esse:

Just when you thought firefighter had some redeeming quality.

I think he was making fun of youngone's post.

Apr 9, 2018
A Posse Ad Esse:

Just when you thought firefighter had some redeeming quality.

The above comment was intended (a) humorously or (b) factually without any insult behind it. People really don't understand sarcasm on this site.

Apr 9, 2018

Dear firefighter,

I am not quite sure if this post is intended to be taken seriously, or if it is just another form of insult.
If it is serious, here is the advice I have for you, from one young investment banking hopeful to another.

  1. First and foremost, do not rely on this site for information, especially at your age. People will resort to calling you names, simply because they are jealous they did not start as early as we did (although fourth grade does seem a little bit too early).
  2. Try to improve your SAT score. You need to get one in the 2300s to be a real candidate for a target school.
  3. Do not report your grades at this age (since it appears that they are not real), or your recorder playing ability, since that is irrelevant to investment banking, and finance in general.
  4. Try not to swear in posts on this site, since it lowers your credibility and puts you on the level of the other jerks.

If you continue on the path you are on for the rest of you schooling, you will most likely be able to become an investment banker.

I remember my first time on the internet, man was I gullible.

    • 1
Apr 9, 2018

Shut. the. fuck. up. because. you. don't. know. shit. about. private.schools. Do? you? understand? the? words? that? are? coming? out? of? my? mouth?

Apr 9, 2018

comment deleted

Apr 9, 2018

(a)
Since you quoted my sig, you must understand it.

Apr 9, 2018

I was brushing my teeth when I saw this thread and literally spit out my toothpaste laughing.

People tend to think life is a race with other people. They don't realize that every moment they spend sprinting towards the finish line is a moment they lose permanently, and a moment closer to their death.

Apr 9, 2018

Do you go to Ethical? No? You're screwed.

Apr 9, 2018

I can't believe some posters fall for this (shakes head).

Apr 9, 2018
starwin:

I can't believe some posters fall for this (shakes head).

Not sure if srs

Nobody fell for anything. We are simply having a good time and feeding the pet troll.

Apr 9, 2018

Dude, if you're just asking now, you're already way behind the curve.

Sorry

    • 3
Apr 9, 2018

EDT: posted on wrong thread

Apr 9, 2018
    • 1
Apr 9, 2018
Jun 20, 2018

~Stay Golden