11/11/17

Hi everyone.

I go to a top feeder elementary school and hoping to get into MM or hopefully MF PE down the line. I'm trying to transfer to a target middle school soon so I can work my way into an elite prep HS -> HYP -> BB -> MM/MF -> HBS -> MF. I just got a piggy bank but a few friends already have front office roles lined up and I don't want to fall behind.

I've lined up a few options for next summer:

Option 1
Local public sector position: I got a mail route in my neighborhood and daddy just taught me how to ride a bike so I think I'll be able to leverage that, but I'm afraid I'll be pigeonholed into federal work down the line. Early hours aren't great but might be good preparation for IB.

Option 2
International Tier-2 ice cream shop (think Ben&Jerrys/Coldstone): Networked with a family friend and he's letting me sweep the floors, $2/hour no bonus structure. I could probably leverage this into Tier-1 ice cream (DQ/BR) next summer and transition into a corporate role. Work life balance may be an issue.

Option 3
Tech start-up biz dev: Noah from down the street has an older brother with a 3D printer. He makes custom pogs and sells them and needs a guy to help expand to other playgrounds. The travel is a perk but concerned about risky stock options.

I'm getting a bit tired from my sugar crash and need to nap soon but any advice would greatly appreciated.

-Timmy

Comments (57)

11/7/17

8 Year olds do not write that well...

Private Equity Interview Course
11/7/17

Thanks! I got a sticker on my last writing assignment and have been studying my vocab list every day, so I'm glad you noticed :) I'm in the running for the gifted program, do you think it's a good idea? I'm concerned about my GPA suffering from the harder courses.

Best Response
11/8/17

You're probably fucked to be completely honest. You should have started the process much earlier. The fact that you have no relevant work experience in industry is not good, complimented by how recruiting season for summer '18 is nearly over.

To contrast, I will tell you a bit about myself. I went to a target preschool and killed it. (All check pluses on my report card, organizer and founder of playground tag, had a dime gf, etc.) That's where you really made your first mistake. I networked hard with alumni and was able to find a SA position the local daycare. (think Kindercare) I worked on the M&A team where I brought in a substantial amount of deal flow and revenue for the firm. Worked on a $10 deal where I helped merge Jimmy's piggy bank with Sally's. Can't tell you how much I had to burn the midnight oil on that one, amiright? After that summer I was headhunted by KKR and Carlyle, and the rest was history.

My advice to you would be to try to secure a SA position at a boutique/MM ice cream shop (Dairy Queen, Friendly's, McDonald's) and then try to leverage your network to find your way into a MF/BB (Hood/Breyer's/Blue Bunny) after graduation. You've got a lot of work ahead of you, and I wish you the best. Good luck!

11/7/17

Thanks, I appreciate the honesty. My report card is above the cutoff but not great (3.7 rounded up, majored in Arithmetic minor in Arts & Crafts), but I've been building LBO's on the sidewalk using chalk and have a good recommendation from my piano teacher.

I know a few alum of my elementary school who have gotten into prestigious LDP's (think Toys'R'Us/GameStop) before a top east coast high school, so maybe they can help.

11/7/17

You are absolutely killing me bru! The come backs to some of the comments are gold. Only advise I can give you is: it's OK to put your Arts & Crafts GPA if it's higher than your overall GPA, but make sure to clarify this on your CV or you might fail your background check.

11/7/17

Yeah this is gold. I don't know why anyone threw MS at him. If you can't find the humor in this you need to re-evaluate.

"Who am I? I'm the guy that does his job. You must be the other guy."

11/7/17

You may be able to make up for your less-than-stellar GPA with good extracurriculars and demonstrated passion. If you have done any trading in the past, you can show interviewers the models you generated when observing different assets.

An associate at a boutique lemonade stand was impressed when I showed him a Black-Scholes model I had utilized when analyzing lemon options to hedge risk against price fluctuations during summer vacation. I advise you to do something similar.

You can tailor your experiences to PE by explaining how the injection of capital into your piggy bank from mommy has helped you grow your Lego set, thus massively increasing both solvent play time and bedroom infrastructure. This has lead you to want to help other children, similar to you, with expanding and growing their toy sets over time.

11/7/17

I admit I fooled around a lot from ages 0-7 so my backstory isn't that compelling, but this makes a lot of sense. I was considering the lemonade option but was concerned about exit opps. The role lends itself well to the trading desk, maybe less so to PE. In addition, the sugar market has been a bit bullish lately.

I've also been eyeing some alternative "cryptocurrencies" recently, specifically the Pokemon and Yugioh card markets. Some of my friends have turned into Pokemasters seemingly overnight, but I'm afraid it's a bubble and am too risk-averse at this stage.

11/10/17

"I've also been eyeing some alternative "cryptocurrencies" recently, specifically the Pokemon and Yugioh card markets. Some of my friends have turned into Pokemasters seemingly overnight, but I'm afraid it's a bubble and am too risk-averse at this stage."

this is gold.

26 Broadway
where's your sense of humor?

11/13/17

Careful. Some people actually believe crypto is real money. don't want to "offend" anyone.

"Loser terrorists" & "bad hombres"

"Typical candidates are those who attended a reputable academic institution"
-Most job applications

11/20/17

Pokecards comment made me spit out my drink. Well done sir

11/8/17

that's great information.

11/8/17

Ni Hao Sha Gua ,Zhong Guo Zen Me Yang ?

11/7/17

^complemented. Ding.

11/7/17

OP doesn't know how to write in Ruby and Python yet? And no TensorFlow experience at all, at this stage?

I think you can scratch Venture Capital with a MF off the list as well. Maybe you can find a MM fund that backs lemonade stands and cookie sales first then lateral later on.

"Be the Disruptor, not the Disrupted" - Clayton Christensen

11/8/17

Can I invite you to my apartment for cookies and koolaid? I could really help you get a leg up..

11/8/17

omg

11/11/17

perhaps more than a "leg up."

11/8/17

complemented*

Private Equity Interview Course
11/7/17

You need to get target parents first

11/7/17

Daddy is already a banker (he's a teller at local Wells Fargo branch) and Mommy has a FO role at the grocery store on the corner, so I just want to follow in their footsteps. I'm interested in different industry coverage though so their help is relatively limited.

11/7/17

Fetus with no finance experience, with non-target parents.

"Work ethic, work ethic" - Vince Vaughn
11/13/17

This comment is gold.

11/7/17

Go for option 2 and you'll be well equipped to sweep the floor at a top PE shop.

Or

Get a life rather than shitposting

11/7/17

Shit posts are the best posts

11/8/17

Meh, not the "aspiring investment banker / elementary / high schooler" posts. Too many of them already.

11/7/17

As most comments here attest, things are looking pretty bleak for you as is. I would recommend starting your CFA Level 1 prep as soon as possible. That way, you may be able to follow Daddy's footsteps and be a retail banker in a tier 3 market (think Ohio, Arkansas, Chattanooga). At least, you can tell your friends your a "banker".

11/7/17

Thanks for the advice. I've been looking at the HBS 4+4+4+2+2 MBA program as well, but looks like that's only for the real gunners.

11/8/17
AllStateRap:

HBS 4+4+4+2+2

Choked on my coffee, dammit. +1 SB to you.

11/13/17

I know, right. OP has netted more nanners from this one thread than many have in years of posting.

11/8/17

Your parents should've started reading Principles of Financial Accounting and Advanced Excel while you were still in the womb. You never know if you're going to run into an MD on the elevator on your way home from the hospital so you need to be ready to pitch them. How else are you going to outpace the competition?

"I'm talking about liquid. Rich enough to have your own jet. Rich enough not to waste time. Fifty, a hundred million dollars, buddy. A player. Or nothing. "
-GG

11/8/17

Daddy made a LinkedIn page for me while Mommy was pregnant saying Incoming Private Equity Associate, so I think I've got that covered at least!

11/8/17

Anyone have a timetable on IB SA Summer 2031 recruiting? When should I start reaching out to people?

"Work ethic, work ethic" - Vince Vaughn
11/8/17

I've been looking for the megathread as well.

11/8/17

Am I missing something here? The only real international Tier-1 ice cream shop is Haagen-Dazs.

"Loser terrorists" & "bad hombres"

"Typical candidates are those who attended a reputable academic institution"
-Most job applications

11/8/17

Finance Recruiting only gets even earlier from here

11/8/17

Good luck to you man , if recruiting doesn't work out there is always a Nova MSF to get you to BB IBD

11/8/17

Found The Onion of WSO. u got my bananas

//Signed//
MLang

11/8/17

Hi,
I'm going to be blunt - it doesn't look good for you.
The answer is network, network network. Teachers, parents of classmates, classmates, school principal, janitors, that one kid who never talks...

11/8/17

Never thought of that! Our janitor is actually ex-Lehman so he might have some old contacts.

11/9/17

This is pure gold.

11/9/17

What the FUCK? You have BR and DQ above Cold Stone and Ben &Jerry's? You are doomed to a no preftige life buddy.

11/9/17

Hey man I didn't make the Vault rankings.

11/10/17

Have you considered going into Trading (as an alternative to PE/IB)? My advice is save your monthly salary and start purchasing booster packs. If you manage to collect enough cards and make the trade for a holographic Charizard from Toyo's Card Shop down the street, some HF's may be willing to give you a chance at an unpaid internship.

11/10/17

Legend has it Ray Dalio got his start at Toyo's flipping 1st edition packs.

11/10/17

With so much time ahead of you, have you considered non-public markets? Try networking with the big kids and learn to sell vapes and other commodities on the secondary market.

I'm into, uh, well, murders and executions, mostly.

11/10/17

Lemonade stands are a great option to build your resume and is a great segway into restructuring. A lot of kids are borrowing money from their parents to start these stands and then spending it all on candy, triggering covenant breaches. Seeking employment at one of these stands is a great opportunity for you.

11/10/17

Mister I believe you meant "segue"? I'm not sure but I did get 3rd place in last year's spelling bee :)

11/21/17

Cultured and acute attention to detail buddy. Have you considered options for risk management or compliance?

11/10/17

Any particular reason to chose PE over VC? From what I read I clearly see a startup->VC path, but no clear way into PE.

Entrepreneurial experience is always a plus in any VC interview, and the exposure to "avant-gard" tech will set ground for strong interview stories. I assume this tech startup is prolly on series B (given they have proven both product AND market), which means they've already secured some serious sponsors (I'm talking grandma/granddad money).

As for the stock options in early stage startups, they're always WORTHLESS -especially if you don't plan to make a career out of it. Instead, you can try to capitalize this experience by getting more exposure to the sponsors and maybe get invited for cookies at their headquarters from time to time.

If you don't have a strong GPA, you can try one of many out-of-the-box options to make up for the lack of an analytical background. My brother taught himself accounting in order to show mommy that I was stealing pennies from his piggy bank, a story that eventually got him an offer from a top-tier auditing firm. Another friend got into several ib interviews after successfully launching a search-fund that focused on high-end souvenirs from his family vacations.

Best of lucks in your search and feel free to contact me if you ever feel like further discussing this over juice.

11/10/17

You're screwed.

I attended a non-target womb, but I kicked and screamed and landed at a top firm (C-Section). Presently, I head up C-Section's early birth team.

Recruiting is over for next year, so you may have to look at lesser shops, like Exit-by-Vagina. However, since you claim to be in elementary school, you may not qualify.

Good luck!

11/11/17

Listen kid, broaden your horizons and go the consulting route. That will give you the entrepreneurial skills to start your own boutique shop. Someone needs to corner the arbitrage opportunity with gundam model kits. that could be you.

11/13/17

POTY right here.

11/14/17

Tommy from second grade with the 64 pack of Crayons is my idol..this dude fucks...

I missed my dream op to lateral into a Top-Tier Legos group as I failed my drug test due to a few back to back days of skipping nap time and eating apple juice concentrate pops..I'll be lucky to make it into a Mega-Bloks group at this point..

11/16/17

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11/16/17

When I pull a deal off the table, I leave Nagasaki behind

11/17/17
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