Best interview advice I ever received

jhoratio
Rank: King Kong | banana points 1,284

This idea was discussed within a comment thread a couple month ago but I thought it deserved its own thread just because of how awesome it is.

I wanted to share with you guys a tip that is virtually guaranteed to improve your interviews.

Here's what you do:
1. Arrive at interview location about 15 minutes early
2. Greet the receptionist, hang up coat, etc.
3. Ask to use the men's room
4. Take a shit

Sounds simple enough, right? What's the point, you ask? The fact is when you walk in for an interview you're on foreign ground, their turf. This is an away game for you. Ask any sports team: it's always tough to win on the road.

But when you stride into the company restroom and drop a huge deuce, you have essentially turned the tables. At this point, you subconsciously feel like you own the place. You relax, you let your guard down. When you get back to reception feeling right at home, you start to wonder if the lobby furniture actually might be yours. And as we all know, the more yourself you are, the more relaxed and confident you are, the better you do on your interviews.

I am absolutely serious about this, by the way. I tried to present it in kind of a funny way, but that's not to say it doesn't work like a charm every time. Just make sure you're not trailing any TP from your shoe.

Mod Note: Best of WSO, this was originally posted December 2013

Comments (152)

Mar 11, 2010

You're a genius. I recommend making some grunting noises while you're dropping the Deuce McAllister.

Seriously, I'm going to do this the next interview I have. May need to get there 25 minutes early, though. Banana for you.

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Apr 3, 2015

Sitting on the sh1tter right now. 10 minutes late and owning this place. Just wanted to make sure my instincts on this werent off base

Mar 11, 2010

I can see some risks attached to that:

1) What if it turns into a sloppy shit. Then you really have problems. 15 minutes just may not give you enough time to deal with that sort of thing.
2) The double-shit. You finish shitting, whipe, finally get your tie fixed and shirt tucked in, belt done, and realize, I have to continue shitting. You can't say you've never experienced it, and again, serious time crunch.

Not saying it doesn't sound like a good plan. But you better hope it goes smoothly.

Mar 11, 2010
Monkeyman2:

I can see some risks attached to that:

1) What if it turns into a sloppy shit. Then you really have problems. 15 minutes just may not give you enough time to deal with that sort of thing.
2) The double-shit. You finish shitting, whipe, finally get your tie fixed and shirt tucked in, belt done, and realize, I have to continue shitting. You can't say you've never experienced it, and again, serious time crunch.

Not saying it doesn't sound like a good plan. But you better hope it goes smoothly.

hahaha well said. You can't overlook the sloppy turds that can take an entire roll...and that double shit happens just when you don't want it to happen, like at a damn job interview. Don't risk it.

Mar 11, 2010
Monkeyman2:

I can see some risks attached to that:

1) What if it turns into a sloppy shit. Then you really have problems. 15 minutes just may not give you enough time to deal with that sort of thing.
2) The double-shit. You finish shitting, whipe, finally get your tie fixed and shirt tucked in, belt done, and realize, I have to continue shitting. You can't say you've never experienced it, and again, serious time crunch.

Not saying it doesn't sound like a good plan. But you better hope it goes smoothly.

1) whipe??? WTF is a whipe
2) to avoid a sloppy shit, you do not shit for the previous 3 days. yes, this sounds grueling, but will ensure that your deuce makes a bowl entry that will echo throughout the entire building, rattling the plumbing structure to the core and sending the message to everyone that you have arrived. it will also be a ghost poop with 99% probability requiring no whiping (sic) which will save time in case the aforementioned "double-shit" occurs
3) you are correct in the assertion that you have no defense against the double-shit. if you believe in a god, pray. otherwise, build in an extra 10-15 minutes to account for the possibility of this

I tend to think of myself as a one-man wolfpack
Buyside strongside

Mar 11, 2010
rooster:

[1) whipe??? WTF is a whipe

haha is that 18th century english or what

The upper decker is a win-win for you, either you get an offer and you're happy OR you get rejected and you got those fuckers good

Mar 15, 2010
rooster:
Monkeyman2:

I can see some risks attached to that:

1) What if it turns into a sloppy shit. Then you really have problems. 15 minutes just may not give you enough time to deal with that sort of thing.
2) The double-shit. You finish shitting, whipe, finally get your tie fixed and shirt tucked in, belt done, and realize, I have to continue shitting. You can't say you've never experienced it, and again, serious time crunch.

Not saying it doesn't sound like a good plan. But you better hope it goes smoothly.

1) whipe??? WTF is a whipe
2) to avoid a sloppy shit, you do not shit for the previous 3 days. yes, this sounds grueling, but will ensure that your deuce makes a bowl entry that will echo throughout the entire building, rattling the plumbing structure to the core and sending the message to everyone that you have arrived. it will also be a ghost poop with 99% probability requiring no whiping (sic) which will save time in case the aforementioned "double-shit" occurs
3) you are correct in the assertion that you have no defense against the double-shit. if you believe in a god, pray. otherwise, build in an extra 10-15 minutes to account for the possibility of this

3 days??? serious??? it would be a tough time when you finally have to pull it out.. its great I guess, walk into an interview with all that comfort (if you manage to pull it out)...

Signs of Recession:
Banker: "Where's me Bonus?"
Yuppie: "Whadya mean I have to actually work?"
Fox Rock Mum: "Lidl's the place to be seen in now!"
Cowen: "It's not my fault that me and my party are complete f**k-ups - it's the recession silly!"

Mar 11, 2010
Monkeyman2:

I can see some risks attached to that:

1) What if it turns into a sloppy shit. Then you really have problems. 15 minutes just may not give you enough time to deal with that sort of thing.
2) The double-shit. You finish shitting, whipe, finally get your tie fixed and shirt tucked in, belt done, and realize, I have to continue shitting. You can't say you've never experienced it, and again, serious time crunch.

Not saying it doesn't sound like a good plan. But you better hope it goes smoothly.

Easy solution, gentlemen. You MUST eat oatmeal for breakfast the week of the interview, or for at least 3 days prior. Drinking coffee in the morning, is OK, but a cup of tea is even better for firming it up...

I concur that extra time is a must. Also make sure you are drinking enough water, and eating a high-protein diet. You want to be at peak performance level.

What did the B-ball player on Van Wilder call it? A "Pre-Game Dump?"

Best Response
Mar 11, 2010

I was actually introduced to the process while interviewing at Goldman. After stashing my topcoat in the secret behind-the-wall closet, the receptionist gave me the code for the men's room and told me to take my time - clearly she wanted me to go in and pinch a loaf.

No one came in while I was making the shit, but I feel like this would be an ultimate success if your interviewer happened to come in to take a piss at the same time while you're dropping a burly deuce. That way, as he was washing his hands at the sink, he would be able to see you in the mirror as you emerge victorious from the stall and begin to urinate around the perimeter of the restroom.

He would stand helpless, realizing that he just released his urine into the toilet and has no way to combat the territory-marking that you have just done. Shaking his head in disappointment, he would exit the restroom knowing that he was just pwn3d by some random guy he's never seen before. Upon finding out that you are in fact the interviewee, his subconscious primal realization will be that you are in fact the alpha male, and he is in no place to deny you the job you seek.

I tend to think of myself as a one-man wolfpack
Buyside strongside

Mar 11, 2010
rooster:

Shaking his head in disappointment, he would exit the restroom knowing that he was just pwn3d by some random guy he's never seen before. Upon finding out that you are in fact the interviewee, his subconscious primal realization will be that you are in fact the alpha male, and he is in no place to deny you the job you seek.

ha, nicely put.

Mar 11, 2010
rooster:

I was actually introduced to the process while interviewing at Goldman. After stashing my topcoat in the secret behind-the-wall closet, the receptionist gave me the code for the men's room and told me to take my time - clearly she wanted me to go in and pinch a loaf.

No one came in while I was making the shit, but I feel like this would be an ultimate success if your interviewer happened to come in to take a piss at the same time while you're dropping a burly deuce. That way, as he was washing his hands at the sink, he would be able to see you in the mirror as you emerge victorious from the stall and begin to urinate around the perimeter of the restroom.

He would stand helpless, realizing that he just released his urine into the toilet and has no way to combat the territory-marking that you have just done. Shaking his head in disappointment, he would exit the restroom knowing that he was just pwn3d by some random guy he's never seen before. Upon finding out that you are in fact the interviewee, his subconscious primal realization will be that you are in fact the alpha male, and he is in no place to deny you the job you seek.

That was the funniest thing I have EVER read on WSO!! You might also consider dropping the Upper Deck:

See definition # 2: http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=upp...

Mar 12, 2010
rooster:

I was actually introduced to the process while interviewing at Goldman. After stashing my topcoat in the secret behind-the-wall closet, the receptionist gave me the code for the men's room and told me to take my time - clearly she wanted me to go in and pinch a loaf.

No one came in while I was making the shit, but I feel like this would be an ultimate success if your interviewer happened to come in to take a piss at the same time while you're dropping a burly deuce. That way, as he was washing his hands at the sink, he would be able to see you in the mirror as you emerge victorious from the stall and begin to urinate around the perimeter of the restroom.

He would stand helpless, realizing that he just released his urine into the toilet and has no way to combat the territory-marking that you have just done. Shaking his head in disappointment, he would exit the restroom knowing that he was just pwn3d by some random guy he's never seen before. Upon finding out that you are in fact the interviewee, his subconscious primal realization will be that you are in fact the alpha male, and he is in no place to deny you the job you seek.

I just gave you my last banana because this was the most epic and hilarious post I have ever read on WSO.

Wall Street leaders now understand that they made a mistake, one born of their innocent and trusting nature. They trusted ordinary Americans to behave more responsibly than they themselves ever would, and these ordinary Americans betrayed their trust.

Mar 12, 2010
Oct 27, 2012
rooster:

I was actually introduced to the process while interviewing at Goldman. After stashing my topcoat in the secret behind-the-wall closet, the receptionist gave me the code for the men's room and told me to take my time - clearly she wanted me to go in and pinch a loaf.

No one came in while I was making the shit, but I feel like this would be an ultimate success if your interviewer happened to come in to take a piss at the same time while you're dropping a burly deuce. That way, as he was washing his hands at the sink, he would be able to see you in the mirror as you emerge victorious from the stall and begin to urinate around the perimeter of the restroom.

He would stand helpless, realizing that he just released his urine into the toilet and has no way to combat the territory-marking that you have just done. Shaking his head in disappointment, he would exit the restroom knowing that he was just pwn3d by some random guy he's never seen before. Upon finding out that you are in fact the interviewee, his subconscious primal realization will be that you are in fact the alpha male, and he is in no place to deny you the job you seek.

hahahahaha this post made my day. What kind of shit do you think of in that head man?

Dec 27, 2013

That post certainly made my day.
It is a rare skill humor, tend to it friend and you will go far!!

Sep 19, 2016
Jul 19, 2017

I think I died LOL

Mar 11, 2010

Thinking back on my interview experiences, I had 4 or 5 superdays, and the ONLY place that gave me an offer, was the ONLY place where I started off by doing exactly this. Nice.

Jul 19, 2017

+1

Most importantly point is #2. Please don't be a tool. At the analyst level, we don't really want the overzealous finance conoisseurs. As long as you know the basic technicals and seem genuinely interested in finance, that's all you need. I'm far more interested in talking to an interesting person who enjoys things OUTSIDE of finance so we can chat about whatever it may be -- my brain does finance 70 hours a week, and chatting with you on the phone is an opportunity for a break. So please please PLEASE have interests outside of finance.

Jul 19, 2017

Thanks for the great inputs.

And a few questions: are the interviewers for the 1st round mostly 1st to 2nd year analysts, or the HR people of the company? And does your advice, especially #2, apply the same for trading SA at BB, or would people expect interviewees to be more enthusiastic about the financial markets and thus spending more time on them?

Jul 19, 2017

Interviewers are generally analysts and associates with a couple of VPs/MDs sprinkled in there (superday format). Overall enthusiasm is expected for IB or S&T, but understanding of the 'day in and day out' of the markets is more expected for S&T obviously. Beside knowing the technicals, knowing specific M&A/cap. raising deals is much more relevant to IB.

Jul 19, 2017

What I meant is to show interest in finance but don't go over the top, and that can apply to any section of finance (IBD, S&T, ER, AM, IM, PWM, etc.). If someone asks about your interests, please don't say "following the stock market, maintaining a portfolio, becoming the next Gordon Gecko." I can promise you that most analysts will ask open-ended questions that will allow you to go in any number of directions -- by taking the finance route, it's likely you'll just start blabbing about something we know more about than you do. Show you have a life outside of finance.

Jul 19, 2017

As someone who just interviewed a bunch of SA's, I'd add to #5:

Find the "poster" deals each bank has done across different sectors and products. Shows you know more about the bank and that you're more enthusiastic. You also sound smart if you get a sector banker interviewing you and you happen to name something in their sector - conversely you sound rather silly if you're talking to an M&A banker and you can't name any M&A deals..

Also, do some research on the bank you're interviewing with and what distinguishes them from everyone else - we all know you're applying to a bunch of banks, but please at least make the guy feel like you really want to go to his bank..

Worst of all - DO NOT bluff - you will be found out, and it will not look pretty.

Jul 19, 2017

For #2, are you talking about the response to "tell me about yourself"? I take your point of not being a tool, but I get the impression when an interviewer asks you to tell him about yourself, it's the equivalent of "walk me through your resume".

Jul 19, 2017

MNE:

No, when I/we say tell me about yourself I want to hear about stuff that I haven't read through on his resume the 30 seconds before I called the guy..

Jul 19, 2017
blueofspirit:

MNE:

No, when I/we say tell me about yourself I want to hear about stuff that I haven't read through on his resume the 30 seconds before I called the guy..

I believe you, but I've also heard the other side, ie people saying 'dont bore me with your personal stuff' when asking this question.
To cover for both, do you think a good strategy would be to first answer the question in 30-50 secs like you suggest, and end with something like 'did you want me to walk you through my resume right now as well'?

Jul 19, 2017
MurdersNExecutions:
blueofspirit:

MNE:

No, when I/we say tell me about yourself I want to hear about stuff that I haven't read through on his resume the 30 seconds before I called the guy..

I believe you, but I've also heard the other side, ie people saying 'dont bore me with your personal stuff' when asking this question.
To cover for both, do you think a good strategy would be to first answer the question in 30-50 secs like you suggest, and end with something like 'did you want me to walk you through my resume right now as well'?

Probably a safe bet. What I would do is to open with one liners on each of where from, school, degree, most impressive work experience or the one that got you interested in IB. That sets you up nicely for what the interviewer will ask you next (either something about what you've just said, your work experience, etc.

Shaping the interviewer's line of questions doesn't always work, but it won't cost you even if the guy ignores you completely and starts asking you questions from his list (yes, there is a suggested list)

Jul 19, 2017

blueofspirit is spot on, when we say tell me something about yourself, we don't want to hear you are a finance genius nor do we want a 5 minute introduction about your life. you have around 30 seconds to make yourself sound like an interesting person.

Jul 19, 2017

Got it. Thanks guys, this is especially useful since it's likely the first impression you make in an interview. Nobody should go out the door without this advice.

Jul 19, 2017

Also something to add - can't believe its not yet been said - but be yourself. I've interviewed so many insincere folks, and bullshitters pretending to be something they are so clearly not.

Jul 19, 2017

That's great suggestions. Cheers mate

Mar 11, 2010

Jhoratio, I couldn't agree more with you. Though I haven't taken the Browns to the Superbowl before an interview, I have always made a point to "drop the kids off at the pool" on my first day at a new job. I feel like the king of my castle afterward.

Jul 19, 2017

stick with it......don't mention whom you've interviewed with specifically...just answer that you are going through the process with a number of banks. If it is technical at all read the vault guide it always helped me out a bit. Remember that every recruiter/ interviewer is different so although your personality might not fit with that firm it will fit in somewhere. On the outside interests when I interview a candidate (I'm an analyst) keep it short and sweet....example enjoy playing golf, fishing and spending time with friends....you could even ask what his/her interests are to keep the conversation flowing. ......bottom line is just relax....I know your probably in a panic since it is March...but you'll land it....just keep at it.

Jul 19, 2017

I feel you man. I've definitely been in your shoes. I've had dozens and interviews and onetime didn't get a job because I was TOO enthusiastic. You can memorize every technical question and guide, give them every on paper reason to hire you, and still be left out to pasture. I may not even be anything you are or aren't doing. Focused and intense are good things to project during your interview, so I doubt it's that given that you aren't acting like fucking Eeyore across the table.

Any job offers I've gotten have been not because of my internships, grades, or how well I interviewed. It's who I had putting a word in for me and other random stuff. I had one super at a BB where I (as I was told) had the vote of every deal team member (analyst-MD, ~17 people) sans a director and his little but buddy VP. I've gotten offers for equally stupid reasons as well. My best advice is to get someone influential within the organization push your name. I know that's easier said than done but if you've made it on your own to finals ontop of powerful rec, your golden.

Ace all your PE interview questions with the WSO Private Equity Prep Pack: http://www.wallstreetoasis.com/guide/private-equit...

Jul 19, 2017

Be yourself. You seem to have a good level of passion and interest. Just be yourself, and people will notice. Don't try to be someone you're not.

Also, you should know that there is such a thing as overpreparation. After a certain point, you should be spending less and less time on interview prep, and more on networking/applications/getting your resume out there. Of course, this is also highly dependent on the interviewer - sometimes, you just won't mesh, no matter who you try to be.

Jul 19, 2017

you have to go into the interview KNOWING you deserve the job. thinking you are predestined to fail will be a self fulfilling prophecy, an interviewer will pick up on it. practice your fit questions in the mirror and get them down as well as your technicals. at the same time, be yourself, trying to be someone you are not will only make you seem more awkward. if you are intense and focused, showcase that.

Mar 11, 2010

Not that I have, but has anyone ever taken the Johnny Drama approach to relieving the tension prior to an interview? And if so how did it work out?

Jul 19, 2017

"If I say yes is it mine?"

You are there because you presumably want that job.

Jul 19, 2017

"Absolutely. I'd be honored to be a part of the team."

Just showing you're excited about the job is my modus operandi. I don't think it comes off as desperate at all.

Metal. Music. Life. www.headofmetal.com

  • vanillathunder12
  •  Jul 19, 2017

Best advice I have heard is to answer the question honestly. If you say yes they very well may give you the offer right there (or within a couple hours after the interview).

The hard part is if it is your second or third choice and you haven't heard back from your first choice yet.

Mar 11, 2010

this is absolutely, by far, THE worst interview advice i have EVER come across. why don't you just take a shit on the MD's desk then. what do you think the receptionist, recruiting coordinator, and possibly your first interviewer will be wondering while they look at their watch 15 minutes after you've gone into the bathroom? what, subsequently, do you think they will think when you finally emerge, with your shirt half untucked and pants wrinkled, and extend your hand for the very first handshake?

Jul 19, 2017

god i want to smell her feet

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Mar 11, 2010

^^^n00b

Your post shows your tremendous ignorance of proper interview practices, as well as life in general. I would also strongly recommend reading the bestselling children's book "Everybody Poops".

We also made a few key assumptions that, as indicated by your post, you must be the exception to:

1) The receptionist, recruiting coordinator, and interviewer have read and are familiar with the book "Everybody Poops"
2) The interviewee has been properly trained on how to fully tuck in a shirt after taking a shit. It is inherently a very similar process to tucking in a shirt while getting dressed
3) The interviewee is wearing one if his nicer suits to the interview. Such suit will not receive pants wrinklage from sitting on the toilet unless purchased at Men's Warehouse
4) Post-shit, the interviewee washes his hands

You are a nasty, nasty person. How dare you not wash your hands after you poop.

I tend to think of myself as a one-man wolfpack
Buyside strongside

Mar 11, 2010
rooster:

You are a nasty, nasty person. How dare you not wash your hands after you poop.

You tell him, rooster.

Jul 19, 2017
Jul 19, 2017

A professor once told me: "Be yourself, if they've invited you for an interview you are smart enough for the job- the interviewer just wants to see if they can stand being around you for more than 40 hours a week."

Jul 19, 2017

Best pieces of advice I could give that have worked well for me in interviews are to make sure you get along with the interviewers/be likeable, and have a very clear, plausible reason for why you want to work for a certain company. No one will hire you if they don't like you, and a well-considered, great answer for why xyz firm is a really easy way to distinguish yourself from other candidates that all have generic answers that are unmemorable.

Jul 19, 2017

Make sure to eat a good meal well before interviewing. Almost lost out on an offer because my energy level crashed while I was in the middle of answering my interviewer. Started going off on a tangent and got disoriented. Luckily I recovered and kept my shit together, but someone else might not have been so lucky. If I would have been asked a moderately difficult technical question, it would have been game over in a heart beat.

Mar 11, 2010

One of the filthier threads on WSO ever.

Mar 11, 2010

JustNumbers, Ha ha, "taking the Browns to the Superbowl" is unbelievable. I've never heard that before. With your permission, I'm going to use that from now on. One I came up with myself is "making a deposit at fifth/turd bank."

I'm just laughing at Kalice though at his mental image of someone coming out of the bathroom. Dude, it's not like you just got in a fight. Maybe you break out in a full sweat, wipe with your palms and then crawl out the bathroom on your hands and knees when you shit, but the rest of the human race is able to manage OK and still look and smell presentable.

Mar 11, 2010

Aside, has anyone ever forgotten to roll their sleeve back down when going back in the office? Never done it, but almost.....

Mar 11, 2010

And I thought this board had reached new lows with the diet coke post...

Mar 11, 2010

holy shit i have a turtle head popping out after all this.

fifth/turd bank ha ha haa awesome

Mar 11, 2010

kalice, to show how wrong your comment is I will unveil my shop's interview process - from the other side. When a prospy walks in, our receptionist is instructed to take the person's coat and ask if he/she needs to use the restroom. There are a few subsequent scenarios:

1) You say no - This suggests you had the foresight to shit before you arrived - good attention to detail, but it's not as ballsy as scenario 3, so consider this a wash (neutral)
2) You say yes and go piss - If the candidate returns from the bathroom in under 5 minutes he/she is instantly dinged (see #4 for an addendum to this point). We do not disclose this immediately, instead we continue with the interview, but this candidate has no shot (fail)
3) You say yes and close the deal - Candidate waltzes back from the bathroom after a 10 minute ceremonial dump. Not only does the pre-interview provide confidence, but it gives your face a unique glow. Everyone at the firm instantly knows what went down and you sir are in. (thumbs up)
4) Addendum to #2 - if you are a chick and dump on our territory you are dinged. We appreciate your boldness but look for foresightedness from our female candidates. (....)

Don't judge me, I don't make the rules. Also, make sure you're friendly to the receptionists at your interviews. For us, she makes the ultimate decision. Think about this, if she likes you, she can lie to the rest of the group and say you took 10 minutes...

Mar 11, 2010

Best. Thread. EVER.

+1 for the Upper Decker. The gift that keeps on giving.

Mar 11, 2010
Mar 11, 2010

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bristol_Stool_Scale
I personally aim to drop a Type 4 or Type 5 during the pre-interview deuce - both types strike the optimal balance considering they are unlikely to cause toilet clogging, easy to pass, and minimize wiping

I tend to think of myself as a one-man wolfpack
Buyside strongside

Mar 11, 2010
Mar 11, 2010

The first 4 comments had me laughing out loud in the middle of class... seriously

hahah

"I feel like this would be an ultimate success if your interviewer happened to come in to take a piss at the same time while you're dropping a burly deuce. That way, as he was washing his hands at the sink, he would be able to see you in the mirror as you emerge victorious from the stall and begin to urinate around the perimeter of the restroom."

Classic..

Mar 11, 2010

Just spend five minutes laughing out loud at all these posts, unbelievable.

Mar 11, 2010

On a serious note here, I always drop a deuce prior to my interviews. It actually does help you relax, and I've received a handful of offers starting my interviews with this ritual. Real talk.

Mar 11, 2010

Why thank you. I think it is important to note that one should allow 30 full minutes before the interview if attempting the upper deck. I say attempting because this is a multi-step process and should be done with extreme care. For example, (depending on the toiled) you may have to remove your shoes, pants, boxer shorts, and possibly replace the shoes before attempting the upper deck., in order to make sure they stay clean and dry.It would help to procure a hanger from the closet upon hanging up your coat, but that may look suspicious to the receptionist.

I totally agree that the Upper Decker is a Win/Win Scenario for you as an interviewer.

Overall, the strategy seem to be a perfect way to take your mind off the interview at hand-- just enough distraction before the interview so you don't sound so damn rehearsed, obsessed, and nervous. Seriously, who doesn't smile after dropping the Deuce-and-a Half in one of those marble-and-granite banker bathrooms with the automatic soap dispensers?

Mar 11, 2010

From personal experience, the success of this strategy depends on the success of the poop. A 3 or 4 on the bristol scale will get you Goldman TMT.... when you're interviewing at Piper Jaffray. True story.

Takeaway: eat your fiber.

Mar 12, 2010

Great post, I laughed my ass off.

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Mar 12, 2010

Excellent idea! Really funny too.

Mar 12, 2010

"ghost poop" - that's good.

"... then, lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in My sight, shall snuff it."

Mar 12, 2010

Hands down one of funniest thread I have read on WSO

Mar 12, 2010

"4: Like a sausage or snake, smooth and soft"

Mar 12, 2010

Corollary: Don't wash your hands after you take the shit. That way, once you shake the MD's hand and he starts eating his sandwich snack, you'll practically own his intestines as well.

Feb 1, 2011

I have been browsing this site for quite some time now, and this post finally gave me reason to create an account and post up. This is one of the funniest threads I've read on WSO.

Mar 13, 2010

Wow, Boomstick. That really "firms up" my resolve of how I will go about my next interview (no pun intended). I think I have a superday next week, and I'm already planning my meals accordingly. As I stated above, I'm confident that oatmeal and tea will help you avoid the aftershock scenario you described. Combine that breakfast with a cup of Starbucks on the way to the office, and you should be golden.

Contemplation: do you think the success in the interviews is a result being more relaxed? I mean, you can't drop the burly Deuce-point-5 when you're tense, right? So the act of getting relaxed must help before the interview. Combine that with the monumental confidence boost of marking your territory that Rooster mentioned, and you are guaranteed a Buddha-like, zen-level interview performance, similar to Jack Nicklaus at the 86 Masters.

Additional observations: I've started pwn3d'ing the toilet in the mens locker room before my workouts this week, and I've noticed a definite increase in workout intensity, mental focus, self-confidence, and smiles from chicks. I flatly suggest that you guys save up a nice deuce for your hardest workout days, particularly leg day.

By the way, I can't Rock the Hoop now without thinking of this thread.

Mar 13, 2010

OK, I am completely serious about what I am about to say. I read this post again last night and thought it was hilarious. Then I went to sleep.

Then I had a dream... I was interviewing with the Soros fund, and in the interview room I was wearing a suit and sitting down in a toilet, pants down and taking a dump. There were like 20 people from the fund there, as well as other interns, and I was super confident because I was taking a dump. It made no sense.

Thanks WSO, for invading my dreams with this weird shit (literally).

Wall Street leaders now understand that they made a mistake, one born of their innocent and trusting nature. They trusted ordinary Americans to behave more responsibly than they themselves ever would, and these ordinary Americans betrayed their trust.

Mar 13, 2010

I am still debating on whether or not I would be able to do this...... Im not so sure I would

However, I AM still amazed with the "results" that people have received after doing this... haha

Mar 13, 2010

While I still cite my originial concerns, after reading all the posts on this thread I am about 70% sure that I may attempt the pre-interview dump at my next couple of interviews. You can't argue with these success rates.

Mar 14, 2010

Lol.. would be best at a small bank. Small office with one bathroom is guaranteed to get you noticed.. which would lead to the scenario rooster set up:

"That way, as he [the interviewer] was washing his hands at the sink, he would be able to see you in the mirror as you emerge victorious from the stall and begin to urinate around the perimeter of the restroom."

Mar 14, 2010

Just like in the thread about learning a foreign language for getting a job and someone suggest Esperanto.
Sure, that'll help!

Mar 14, 2010

Does anyone know if this applies in other industries/London?

Mar 14, 2010

I got the feeling that anyone who doesn't read WSO is going to be wondering why all of their SA interviewees are suddenly tying up the bathroom on superdays.

Mar 15, 2010

I went to interview at a firm, and before my interview I went to the bathroom. In there, a man struck up a conversation with me. He was smiling and all to friendly and asking a LOT of questions. Wasn't helping me get into interview mode, so I made it clear I wasn't really interested in chatting, which for some reason upset him.

Turns out he was my interviewer.

Mar 15, 2010
openOutcry:

I went to interview at a firm, and before my interview I went to the bathroom. In there, a man struck up a conversation with me. He was smiling and all to friendly and asking a LOT of questions. Wasn't helping me get into interview mode, so I made it clear I wasn't really interested in chatting, which for some reason upset him.

Turns out he was my interviewer.

You're an idiot.

May 13, 2010
BigFatPanda:
openOutcry:

I went to interview at a firm, and before my interview I went to the bathroom. In there, a man struck up a conversation with me. He was smiling and all to friendly and asking a LOT of questions. Wasn't helping me get into interview mode, so I made it clear I wasn't really interested in chatting, which for some reason upset him.

Turns out he was my interviewer.

You're an idiot.

In a bathroom with no walls between urinals, I can't piss when the stranger next to me is looking at me and talking. Someone expecting me to talk to them to help them piss is even worse. Don't know what seedy places you like to hang out.

Jun 23, 2013

So did you get the offer? What happened during the interview after you upset him?

Mar 15, 2010

haha good stuff.

May 13, 2010

The following is taken from the Proper Restroom Etiquette section of the Man Law Library -

THERE IS NO TALKING IN THE BUSINESS REGION OF THE BATHROOM. By business region we are referring of course to any area of the bathroom that is past the imaginary plane of the sink area. To be fair, if I have my masculinity in my hand, the last thing I want to do is engage any kind of thought about you or what you are talking about. It should be, barring natural sounds, as quiet as a Tibetan temple inside the bathroom until you are washing your hands. If you are at the sink washing your hands, you may not talk to any person who is approaching, using or finishing up at a urinal or stall.

I tend to think of myself as a one-man wolfpack
Buyside strongside

May 13, 2010
rooster:

The following is taken from the Proper Restroom Etiquette section of the Man Law Library -

THERE IS NO TALKING IN THE BUSINESS REGION OF THE BATHROOM. By business region we are referring of course to any area of the bathroom that is past the imaginary plane of the sink area. To be fair, if I have my masculinity in my hand, the last thing I want to do is engage any kind of thought about you or what you are talking about. It should be, barring natural sounds, as quiet as a Tibetan temple inside the bathroom until you are washing your hands. If you are at the sink washing your hands, you may not talk to any person who is approaching, using or finishing up at a urinal or stall.

Exactly.

May 15, 2010

then again, if he's your future boss, you might want to make an effort. some people like to suck dick for the job, but if getting the offer means trying to keep a conversation at the expense of having a perfect zen moment while pissing, i think i would be willing to make the sacrifice.

moral: always give the guy the benefit of the doubt. you never know who you might be talking to.

"... then, lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in My sight, shall snuff it."

May 16, 2010
dagro:

then again, if he's your future boss, you might want to make an effort. some people like to suck dick for the job, but if getting the offer means trying to keep a conversation at the expense of having a perfect zen moment while pissing, i think i would be willing to make the sacrifice.

moral: always give the guy the benefit of the doubt. you never know who you might be talking to.

yeah, lesson learned.

May 30, 2012

Hahaa! Did not see that one coming. This is a very interesting idea and for all the young job seekers, including myself, we should all try this once. If it doesn't work, it will still make for a great story.

MarketGrind- revealing the unsung helpful tip to help you in your everyday life.

Jun 26, 2012

See, this is the beauty of communities like this one: I'm 20 yrs old and am probably way shittier at interviews than I'd like to think I am. I would have never heard advice like this from my professors, that's for sure. Goodbye breathing exercises, hello shitting!

"You stop being an asshole when it sucks to be you." - IlliniProgrammer

Jun 28, 2012

You guy's are so...full of shit

Aug 17, 2012

My "happy time" takes much longer than 15 minutes. If I were to do this, I'd need to arrive about 45 minutes early.

Dec 21, 2012
Dec 21, 2012

Get in a good amount of carbs and protein (rice, beef, chicken, bread, beans) the night prior to your interview. Before you sleep take a good source of fiber (natural or powder/pill). In the morning have a decent sized breakfast (oatmeal, eggs, toast and apple/banana) after your breakfast, have a couple cups of tea and/or coffee (this will dry and tighten up your rectum for an easier bowel movement) and arrive at your interview 30 minutes early. Interview. Offer.

Dec 25, 2012

Loving the responses to the post haha.

Jan 18, 2013

this is probably the best thing i've ever seen on WSO. mad props to the OP.

Jan 18, 2013

this is probably the best thing i've ever seen on WSO. mad props to the OP.

Jan 18, 2013

I took 2 shits at my final round interview (once when I arrived and another right before I presented my long/short pitch). Got the offer. Just sayin'...

Disclaimer for the Kids: Any forward-looking statements are solely for informational purposes and cannot be taken as investment advice. Consult your moms before deciding where to invest.

Jun 22, 2013

Never ask to use the bathroom before or during an interview. It's very childish. It gets the employer thinking, "how much time is this person going to spend in the bathroom at work." Do this ahead of time.

"It's very easy to have too many goals and be overwhelmed by them... The trick is to find the one thing you can focus on that represents every other single thing you want in life." -- @"Edmundo Braverman"

Jun 22, 2013

I think it should also be noted that completely stripping down naked before the shit ensures maximum success of this strategy.

Edit: leave on your socks and shoes actually.

My drinkin' problem left today, she packed up all her bags and walked away.

Jun 23, 2013

+SB for that input!

Jun 23, 2013

hahaha EPIC post & comments!!!

"Striving for excellence motivates you; striving for perfection demoralizes you"

Jun 23, 2013
Monkeyman2:

I can see some risks attached to that:

1) What if it turns into a sloppy shit. Then you really have problems. 15 minutes just may not give you enough time to deal with that sort of thing.

2) The double-shit. You finish shitting, whipe, finally get your tie fixed and shirt tucked in, belt done, and realize, I have to continue shitting. You can't say you've never experienced it, and again, serious time crunch.

Not saying it doesn't sound like a good plan. But you better hope it goes smoothly.

lol SB...
Sloppy shits are the real shit...

Btw i think OP has a point.
I noticed it myself, when you are stressed, you want to shit, and if you don't do it, it will disturb you and keep you stressing even more.
A good shit before interviews is definitely relaxing.

Jun 23, 2013

Meh, is this really worth it?

I have an interview on Tuesday and I already planned my entire trip (the place is 3 hours away from my house so I have to take a train and bus).

Thing is I'll get there 20 minutes before - if there are no delays - so that's cutting it a little short if I have to go to the bathroom before hand and mark my territory.

Is it worth reorganizing my entire trip and leaving 1 hour earlier than originally planned from home?

Jun 23, 2013
jhoratio:

This idea was discussed within a comment thread a couple month ago but I thought it deserved its own thread just because of how awesome it is.

I wanted to share with you guys a tip that is virtually guaranteed to improve your interviews.

Here's what you do:

1. Arrive at interview location about 15 minutes early

2. Greet the receptionist, hang up coat, etc.

3. Ask to use the men's room

4. Take a shit

Sounds simple enough, right? What's the point, you ask? The fact is when you walk in for an interview you're on foreign ground, their turf. This is an away game for you. Ask any sports team: it's always tough to win on the road.

But when you stride into the company restroom and drop a huge deuce, you have essentially turned the tables. At this point, you subconsciously feel like you own the place. You relax, you let your guard down. When you get back to reception feeling right at home, you start to wonder if the lobby furniture actually might be yours. And as we all know, the more yourself you are, the more relaxed and confident you are, the better you do on your interviews.

I am absolutely serious about this, by the way. I tried to present it in kind of a funny way, but that's not to say it doesn't work like a charm every time. Just make sure you're not trailing any TP from your shoe.

Back in my HS football days we called those "victory shits" we lost 1 game in 3 years. Never thought of applying that to a job interview. I say leave an upperdecker and steal the companies mascot and fuck their cheerleaders afterwards.

Jun 23, 2013
Jun 23, 2013
Jun 24, 2013
Kenny Powers:

I think it should also be noted that completely stripping down naked before the shit ensures maximum success of this strategy.

Edit: leave on your socks and shoes actually.

Yes.

This to all my hatin' folks seeing me getting guac right now..

Jun 24, 2013

I usually bring a flask, a one hitter and a little baggie for key bumps. Once I get in the receptionist area I take a key bump, pull out the flask and offer it to the receptionist. I also pull out a lighter and the one hitter and ask her if they allow smoking on the floor or if I should go use the restroom. 9 times out of 10 she obliges on the drink, asks for a mini bump and says that it's time to take her break and she can show me where the best spot is to do a one hitter (if you know what I mean, and you should). Total domination.

This to all my hatin' folks seeing me getting guac right now..

Jun 24, 2013

OP what if I spray piss around the office.....can I mark my territory that way?

Jun 24, 2013
rooster:

I was actually introduced to the process while interviewing at Goldman. After stashing my topcoat in the secret behind-the-wall closet, the receptionist gave me the code for the men's room and told me to take my time - clearly she wanted me to go in and pinch a loaf.

No one came in while I was making the shit, but I feel like this would be an ultimate success if your interviewer happened to come in to take a piss at the same time while you're dropping a burly deuce. That way, as he was washing his hands at the sink, he would be able to see you in the mirror as you emerge victorious from the stall and begin to urinate around the perimeter of the restroom.

He would stand helpless, realizing that he just released his urine into the toilet and has no way to combat the territory-marking that you have just done. Shaking his head in disappointment, he would exit the restroom knowing that he was just pwn3d by some random guy he's never seen before. Upon finding out that you are in fact the interviewee, his subconscious primal realization will be that you are in fact the alpha male, and he is in no place to deny you the job you seek.

Lol. fricken awesome

Jun 24, 2013

Thanks a lot guys. The entire office is now looking at me because I couldn't contain my laughter and made an awkward sound trying to hold it in. This thread is hysterical.

" The art of good business is being a good middle man" - Eddie Temple (Layer Cake)

Jun 24, 2013

Taking the Browns to the Super Bowl is the best line I have ever read on this site.

Jun 25, 2013

dying at my desk right now. hilarious threat, nice work.

"It's not about pride or ego. It's only about money. I can leave now, even with Grama and KGB... and halfway to paying Petrovsky back. That's the safe play. I told Worm you can't lose what you don't put in the middle. But you can't win much either."

Jun 25, 2013

Easy solution for anyone commenting on time....i carry a pack of baby wipes in my bag....make sure its the flush-able ones....at home i prefer the non flush-able, find they hold up better

Jun 26, 2013
jhoratio:

This idea was discussed within a comment thread a couple month ago but I thought it deserved its own thread just because of how awesome it is.

I wanted to share with you guys a tip that is virtually guaranteed to improve your interviews.

Here's what you do:

1. Arrive at interview location about 15 minutes early

2. Greet the receptionist, hang up coat, etc.

3. Ask to use the men's room

4. Take a shit

Sounds simple enough, right? What's the point, you ask? The fact is when you walk in for an interview you're on foreign ground, their turf. This is an away game for you. Ask any sports team: it's always tough to win on the road.

But when you stride into the company restroom and drop a huge deuce, you have essentially turned the tables. At this point, you subconsciously feel like you own the place. You relax, you let your guard down. When you get back to reception feeling right at home, you start to wonder if the lobby furniture actually might be yours. And as we all know, the more yourself you are, the more relaxed and confident you are, the better you do on your interviews.

I am absolutely serious about this, by the way. I tried to present it in kind of a funny way, but that's not to say it doesn't work like a charm every time. Just make sure you're not trailing any TP from your shoe.

these are words to live by

Jun 30, 2013

Good post, 'Be your self' is the main idea of the article in my opinion.
It is an attitude to act yourself when we are interviewing and competing with other candidates but it is the way the winners get the offers.
Honestly, arrive 30 minutes earlier is minimum lol

Aug 10, 2013

Very funny but not without some truth in it. It is all about how psychologically strong you are. You will get the same feeling by visualizing the dude that is interviewing you naked. As for making yourself likeable, that is another issue... That is art.

You have got to see oneness in the society. A drop of water would not make a spring. It will be dried up very quickly. So you know what to do...

Dec 26, 2013

btw, I did this, and I confirm that it works. =P

Dec 26, 2013

Funnily enough I tried this before reading this thread... worked well for me :)

Dec 26, 2013

I need to try this is my next interview.

Dec 26, 2013

I do wonder though, how would one manage to contain his laughter, while pooping in the target's restroom, after reading all of this? The mere thought of this thread will crack me up, leave alone pulling off the 'trick' in question.

On a serious note: Brilliant!

Dec 26, 2013

Very smart strategy, but I would personally suggest hedging some more. Yes, not shitting for three days prior to ETA/launch will decrease downside (?!?) risk, but also should consider some fibres in your diet and a slight reduction of your H2O input.

Dec 26, 2013

+ 1 for the epic dated post!

I'm bi-winning. I win here, and I win there.

Dec 27, 2013
Jan 2, 2014
wdb:

hope this is a bad joke.

Exactly, prob alot of Asian and Indian kids were like OOOOh Good point, I'll do that

Jul 2, 2014
adapt or die:
wdb:

hope this is a bad joke.

Exactly, prob alot of Asian and Indian kids were like OOOOh Good point, I'll do that

what's wrong with Asian and Indian kids?

Dec 27, 2013

Never seen a thread where pooping is discussed so intensely

Jan 1, 2014

Sounds good. I'll try it next time!

Feb 7, 2014

I sincerely LOL'd to this post and fully agree with it. Good insight.

Jun 30, 2014

Took a pooper half hour before an interview with MS, one that I killed...I believe it was 100% because of this amazing advice good sir.

Jun 30, 2014

LOL i think it's better to ditch this shit drama before you get to the interview. We don't need to mark our territory in order to be confident. If that were the case we would be shitting everywhere hahahaha

Jun 30, 2014

Hahaha what a hilarious thread but really practical advice too!

Jul 2, 2014

R u serious? I couldn't stand the smell.

Jul 3, 2014

I have rounded my interviewing strategies over the years into perfection which I have termed The Grand Slam.

I arrive precisely 30 minutes sharp prior to my interview. If I am any earlier I stand motionless in the lobby and wait. At precisely T-minus 30 minutes I ask to use the restroom.

If the restroom is not empty, I carefully monitor the occupant and I wait for them to leave. If they question what I am doing I simply tell them I am only there because I like to watch. I volunteer no other information.

Once I am alone, I lock the door and invest 3 minutes into ransacking it to my satisfaction. I then remove my pants and ceremoniously fold them up like they do the flag for fallen soldiers. I always go commando to interviews so no need to waste time with underwear.

Next I empty all of the soap from only one dispenser and coat my entire left arm. PLEASE NOTE: NEVER REMOVE YOUR SHOES.

If the ceiling is composed of removable tiles I will remove another soap dispenser and throw the entire container in the ceiling so it will ooze cleanliness. My favorite soap color is purple.

Next I gently remove a stack of paper towels from the dispensor and coat the entire floor in front of my choosen urinal. At the sacrificial urinal I like to place a pre cut locket of my hait and some candles I picked up at the dollar store on top of the urinal shelf. After aligning them perfectly I will then add a small framed picture of the target companys CEO and align it 90degrees to the hair and candles.

Now I light the candles.

Next I massage hot candle wax between my fingers until luke warm and then coat my balls....entirely in wax. The added warmth and security instantly induces me to pee, which I do as I hum the theme song from Different Strokes. After urinary completion I gently begin to massage my spincter with my soapy palm which instantly induces all 9" of my manhood to full erection. Maintaining eye contact with the pictured CEO I gently work myself up towards climax and precisely 12 seconds before Ejaculation I ignite the locket of hair and bust my love over its smoldering mess.

I gently discard the remenants into the urinal. Put my pants back on and then go have my interview. If I am pleased with the opportunity I will return to the restroom and drop an upperdecker, being extremely careful to either dump my whipings in another stall or jusr forego whiping alltogether

Jul 3, 2014

I have rounded my interviewing strategies over the years into perfection which I have termed The Grand Slam.

I arrive precisely 30 minutes sharp prior to my interview. If I am any earlier I stand motionless in the lobby and wait. At precisely T-minus 30 minutes I ask to use the restroom.

If the restroom is not empty, I carefully monitor the occupant and I wait for them to leave. If they question what I am doing I simply tell them I am only there because I like to watch. I volunteer no other information.

Once I am alone, I lock the door and invest 3 minutes into ransacking it to my satisfaction. I then remove my pants and ceremoniously fold them up like they do the flag for fallen soldiers. I always go commando to interviews so no need to waste time with underwear.

Next I empty all of the soap from only one dispenser and coat my entire left arm. PLEASE NOTE: NEVER REMOVE YOUR SHOES.

If the ceiling is composed of removable tiles I will remove another soap dispenser and throw the entire container in the ceiling so it will ooze cleanliness. My favorite soap color is purple.

Next I gently remove a stack of paper towels from the dispensor and coat the entire floor in front of my choosen urinal. At the sacrificial urinal I like to place a pre cut locket of my hait and some candles I picked up at the dollar store on top of the urinal shelf. After aligning them perfectly I will then add a small framed picture of the target companys CEO and align it 90degrees to the hair and candles.

Now I light the candles.

Next I massage hot candle wax between my fingers until luke warm and then coat my balls....entirely in wax. The added warmth and security instantly induces me to pee, which I do as I hum the theme song from Different Strokes. After urinary completion I gently begin to massage my spincter with my soapy palm which instantly induces all 9" of my manhood to full erection. Maintaining eye contact with the pictured CEO I gently work myself up towards climax and precisely 12 seconds before Ejaculation I ignite the locket of hair and bust my love over its smoldering mess.

I gently discard the remenants into the urinal. Put my pants back on and then go have my interview. If I am pleased with the opportunity I will return to the restroom and drop an upperdecker, being extremely careful to either dump my whipings in another stall or jusr forego whiping alltogether so as not to ruin my masterpiece.

If I am displeased with the oppertunity I just leave immediately and not bless them with the privilide of owning one of my preciousnesses.

Dec 4, 2014

This is a solid advice; that's why I SB'ed you.

But never forget to check the tissue availability. Never. Forget.

Fortes fortuna adiuvat.

Dec 4, 2014