What NOT to put in a Cover Letter/Resume

I received a cover letter, resume, and some other related collateral (a supposed 'research' report) relatively recently from a cold-emailer that I thought was worth highlighting, because it has some prime examples of what not to say/write to anyone ever. I'll post some excerpts below that will preserve the anonymity of the applicant:

Excuses
"I realize my professional experience is more in technology, and lacks in finance. I believe that was just bad luck due to graduating from my MBA program at the height of the "Great Recession", however, I am 100% committed and motivated to prove myself in a finance position."

Bad luck? No, it's the shitty and difficult to read resume, cover letter, and 'research reports' which are the issue. I'm almost certain you would be a terrible employee just by the quality of the work you sent me in a cold-email. You graduated from college 10 years ago, by the way. I remember at least a few of those as being pretty good years. If you were halfway decent, you could have squeaked in the industry in more than a few of those years. Please do not pin all of your circumstance on luck, especially in a cover letter. Even if the reader is a big believer in luck, you're telling him you're unlucky. Who wants to hire someone who's unlucky? It seems the bad luck streak started in utero, if you ask me.

Revealing your ignorance
Even worse than just plain ignorance, the below quote was from an attached research report that this guy wrote. Since he thought it was worth including, I assume the report was something he was proud of, but it was cringe-worthy.

"I am placing a STRONG BUY recommendation on [company]. ("ticker") and believe that [the company], at the current price of $10.00, trades at a 123% discount to my estimated fair market value of $22.30" (both made up numbers to scale to the actual numbers listed in the 'report').

123% discount? C'mon man. Don't you think about the stuff you write before you blast it out to hundreds of potential employers? Anyone that reads it will certainly never hire you.

The report should have never been attached. It made a weak applicant look even worse. He's clearly never done anything but 'book learn' on these subjects and it's painfully obvious by reading the report. He uses 4 valuation methodologies on the stock with the sole intention of showing that he knows more than one valuation method. If you're thinking of including a research report on a company when you're cold-emailing people, it's a high risk strategy. Your research probably sucks unless you've been doing so professionally. If there is any doubt at all about including a 'research report', do not do it.

(side note: the research report had a lot of opinions and not a lot of facts and it lacked connections between really basic facts about the current state of the business to the 'projections'.)

Miscellaneous
"Dear Hiring Manager, 

I am an inquisitive mind that loves to use this innate trait towards evaluating the economy, markets, and stocks. Those skills are collecting data, and analyzing the data."

Face palm. This is how the cover letter starts. So much is wrong with this, I hope it does not require an explanation.

"computer skills" is mentioned in both the resume and cover letter. In general, if you are listing "computer skills" as one of your strengths, it probably isn't. You should probably be more specific or focus on something else.

"CORE COMPETANCIES" -- Listed as a major category on the resume. If your "computer skills" are so strong, you should probably know how to use spell check.

"Sincerely,
John Public, MBA"

You're not a medical doctor, you do not put "MBA" in your god damned signature. Seriously, wtf is wrong with you?

Comments (60)

 
Best Response
Jul 28, 2013 - 12:42am

I am so attracted to you right now...

Under my tutelage, you will grow from boys to men. From men into gladiators. And from gladiators into SWANSONS.
  • 3
 
Jul 28, 2013 - 12:44am

Okay, why the fuck does the SB button now look like the iPhone's WiFi icon? Sorry for the accidental MS. You're still hot.

Under my tutelage, you will grow from boys to men. From men into gladiators. And from gladiators into SWANSONS.
  • 1
 
Jul 28, 2013 - 2:51am

This may be an ignorant question - and feel free to tell me so - but what IS the best way to convey you're inexperience in a certain field without sounding like a waste of time? I'm finishing up my MBA in about a month after ~5 years in law and (hopefully) moving into ER and trying to get across (in a cover letter) that I might not be as experienced as some others, but I'm a quick learn, willing to work for every inch, good communication skills, etc. Rest assured I would never write something like John Public sent you - but I just keep rereading what I've written and not particularly happy with what I've come up with.

 
Jul 28, 2013 - 1:33pm

Well, at least it wasn't 456% or even 789%.

********"Babies don't cost money, they MAKE money." - Jerri Blank********
 
Jul 28, 2013 - 5:43pm

tropos:

Well, at least it wasn't 456% or even 789%.

I guess you're more forgiving than I am. For me, any discount listed at 100% or more is pretty bad in my book.

At least he didn't say he would be "110% committed and motivated". He wisely capped that at 100%.

 
Jul 28, 2013 - 7:11pm

SirTradesaLot:

tropos:

Well, at least it wasn't 456% or even 789%.

I guess you're more forgiving than I am. For me, any discount listed at 100% or more is pretty bad in my book.

At least he didn't say he would be "110% committed and motivated". He wisely capped that at 100%.

Oh no, the number 123% just reads like B.S., like he got the research report from 'freeresearchreport.com' and never changed the dummy numbers. I was simply being sarcastic.

********"Babies don't cost money, they MAKE money." - Jerri Blank********
  • 1
 
Jul 28, 2013 - 7:40pm

tropos:

SirTradesaLot:
tropos:

Well, at least it wasn't 456% or even 789%.

I guess you're more forgiving than I am. For me, any discount listed at 100% or more is pretty bad in my book.

At least he didn't say he would be "110% committed and motivated". He wisely capped that at 100%.

Oh no, the number 123% just reads like B.S., like he got the research report from 'freeresearchreport.com' and never changed the dummy numbers. I was simply being sarcastic.

From his price target, the stock would have appreciated 123% if it reached the target. He just didn't know the difference between potential appreciation and discount.
 
Jul 29, 2013 - 4:46am

Serious question from someone who doesn't have a lot of contact with MBAs or CFAs in the local market: is as pretentious for charterholders to put CFA after their names, as it is for someone to put MBA? I do see PhD and MD quite often, but I guess that's different.

 
Jul 29, 2013 - 7:16am

This is pretty bad - reminds me of an exchange I had with someone random on LinkedIn earlier this month...for some reason, I kept trying to help before giving up and/or realize I was being trolled:

On 07/05/13 11:15 AM, NAME wrote:
--------------------

Hello Patrick,

I think I fit the bill for your community. Currently, I am struggling to find funding for a MBA at my university. I had spoken with our School of Management's advising office, and they don't have any scholarships, grants, or graduate assistantships. I am at a loss about what to do.

One idea I had was investing in a stock and earning money that way. If I could earn $30,000 from the investment during the course of the year, I could afford the MBA program. It would be like using business techniques to go to business school.

I do need a mentor to guide me through the whole process, investing, affording the MBA, finding a job, achieving my vision, so any suggestions and advice you have, I would really appreciate it.

I seem to have all these ideas, yet need to learn how to materialize them or as the saying goes, get down to the business of realizing them.

Thank you,
NAME

On 07/06/13 10:34 AM, Patrick Curtis wrote:
--------------------
I would come join the community...you seem a bit scattered. Not a good idea to risk capital with the goal to generate $30,000, unless you maybe have $100k+ to invest. Otherwise, you are really gambling. If you are looking for a mentor, I'd check out here: //www.wallstreetoasis.com/wall-street-mentors-finance-mock-interviews or join our forums.

Best of luck,
Patrick

On 07/07/13 12:31 PM, NAME wrote:
--------------------

If I had $100k plus to invest, I would be on my way to business school next year. Why would it not be a good idea to risk capital, especially low amounts of capital? There is a much lower level of loss risking $100 than the $100k. There is even much less risk if you've done your homework and know which stocks are consistently on the rise.

All business is risk. I would think you would know that, founding your own SAT Prep equivalent Wall Street Prep website business. It starts off with a gamble and rises in leaps once you've invested in it.
And that's the nature of the market. In order to succeed, you have to know people and their needs. You have to become that energy to know the outcome.

Thank you for the links. I will look into both, the mentor and your forums, to see where I'd find answers. I can't seem to resolve the inner debate I'm having about whether I even need an MBA at this moment with my work experience or whether it would help me find the one career that matches in the long term.

Thank you for your help,
NAME

...after telling him his analogy of me starting the business and him playing the markets was a bad one for a variety of reasons and trying to discourage him from trying to play the markets to help him "win" $30k, it continued:

Thank you so much for your advice and help. I appreciate it.

The analogy is not that weak if you're using it. How was investing what you perceive as a small amount for you, $2000, any different than if you were me and investing $500 or $100? Relatively small amounts are invested in both cases and any resulting losses would be minimal in value.

Yes, your business name is different, but essentially, the services are the same, preparing people to obtain the equivalent of an SAT 2400 result on a person's business school application or job interview. Call it what you like, Wall St. oasis, Wall St. monkeys, or Wall Street oasis of monkeys. It doesn't change the core of the preparation service that it is.

First of all, what makes you think I only have $2000 and second of all, what makes you think I'd lose it? Did you end up losing the $2000 that you invested?

Who says that I'll lose my investments to market and investment fees if I'm investing without a broker? Looks like you forgot the cost effectiveness of DRIPs.

Yes, those PhDs from MIT pretty much own the market with their software, don't they? You know, it makes you wonder that with all their advances, they failed to invent Facebook. No, those were undergrads from Harvard that invented it.

Algos alone are not powerful in and of themselves. Their power lies within the judgment of the human that directs them.

No, I don't have an "edge" and don't need it. I have something far better...
pure market instinct.

By the way, I'm familiar with MIT. My cousin went to their Sloan School of Management, and I went into a graduate program at their Ivy League counterpart close by. So no, their algos writing PhDs definitely do not scare me...

...for some reason I continued to try and show him how flawed his logic was...i didn't know trolls sent PMs over LinkedIn? Is this guy for real?

Because I'm not sure about what I want to do in the business world. I am sure about investing, but not about what to do in terms of a job. I have a large vision, but it would take practical knowledge of business strategies to achieve it. That's why business school was suggested to me. I was told that it would give me the techniques that I would need to achieve this vision. Yet, that involves money, and the dilemma starts again...
I'm lost as far as what to do career-wise.

I know the market is highly volatile. And though, I can't give you any logical explanation for it, there is a method to its madness. It responds to the whims of people. People purchase products out of instinct and habit. I've been observing simple transactions for a long time and noticed this trend. It takes instinct to know instinct. Right now, the energy is extremely inconsistent, but it's as though this irregularity has become the new normal. Old companies are dying and new ones will emerge. The market is paving the way for them. That's why it's so disruptive to the old successful patterns. Because new patterns/products will come in their place.

I know to anyone who is logical and sensible that investing in such a market is risky and that person would be wise not to do so. But I'm not logical or sensible. My instinct is as volatile as the market, and I have been keeping a tab on the stocks that have been uncharacteristically yielding high profits. They are those stocks that are high in inducing energy themselves. That's why I believe that investing in them would be rewarding. Yes, it's not a smart decision because it doesn't involve the mind or caution. It involves gut instinct or sensing. I don't know the words to explain it. I can only tell you that had I made the decision to invest in what I'll call these "volatile stocks" two years ago, I'd have made that 30k by now.

Yes, but to understand such a market, the analytical framework or platform won't work. It defies all reason. Think of people's whims on a massive scale. They fluctuate like seismic waves. It can't be understood through any form or confines of regulation. Think of the market as a hurricane. It's just like a hurricane.

Well, I would only give you my financial or market education if I paid you for a career consultation, which is what I'm thinking of doing. It would only be fair to you for your time. Then you could see my CV and judge for yourself.
I'm extremely lost because people in business and friends have been telling me that I have financial skills and can succeed in finance. Others tell me to go into business. One friend urged me to start my own business. They think I have some skill in it. I don't see what they're talking about, and I'm nothing but confused at this point. Investing seems like the only sensible thing to do, though it seems so senseless from a logical perspective.
And I'm not arrogant. It's not my intention to be either. If I was arrogant, I would never have asked you for help in the first place. Yes, you do have more experience, sound judgment, and are better off for it. You don't have these highs and lows that I do. And no, I am not looking to beat the market. I've been trying to explain that I understand the market. From the stocks I've been watching, I know which way they'll turn. There's no rational explanation for it.

I apologize as it was not my intention to get into this whole investing argument and putting it aside, what I'm going to ask you is this. If I were to give you a list of stocks that I feel would profit, would your service be willing to be the broker and help me invest in them? I've decided that I will go through a broker for some of the stocks and invest directly in the others. And the last thing, how much do you charge for a career consultation and would you accept a check?

Face palm x100

 
Jul 29, 2013 - 8:22am

No kidding, getting laid off soon and being reminded that these are some of the guys Im up against is a huge moral booster!

"And the last thing, how much do you charge for a career consultation and would you accept a check?"
 
Jul 29, 2013 - 8:19am

I usually put BSD after my name in an email instead of MBA or CFA even on emails with many recipients. I can't tell you how many notes I get back asking "What does BSD mean?". It is a big conversation starter and attention grabber. The second response is even more intriguing, when I tell them it means "big swinging dick" I either get a laugh or a note back filled with disgust.

 
Jul 29, 2013 - 9:42am

I noticed the trend of putting credentials in the signature as well, and it's not so far fetched...

For people who have limited experience (raises hand) or are looking for work after having been in the same position for a long time, it's another way to try get yourself noticed. As it has become more common as of late, I can't speak to how effective it is now, but it's certainly not done to appear pretentious or inflate one's ego.

 
Jul 29, 2013 - 10:15am

I need to figure out your identity and blow you away with my professionalism despite my unprestigious background. Fun post, thanks for sharing with us.

Frank Sinatra - "Alcohol may be man's worst enemy, but the bible says love your enemy."
 
Jul 29, 2013 - 11:40am

Funny you mention the use of MBA after his name, I just overheard a couple of our accounts payable clerks dogging someone for doing that. They even used a variation of "you're not a doctor." When the cubicle ladies are talking smack, that's a telltale sign you shouldn't do it.

 
Jul 29, 2013 - 2:29pm

WallStreetOasis.com:

This is pretty bad - reminds me of an exchange I had with someone random on LinkedIn earlier this month...for some reason, I kept trying to help before giving up and/or realize I was being trolled:

On 07/05/13 11:15 AM, NAME wrote:

--------------------

Hello Patrick,

I think I fit the bill for your community. Currently, I am struggling to find funding for a MBA at my university. I had spoken with our School of Management's advising office, and they don't have any scholarships, grants, or graduate assistantships. I am at a loss about what to do.

One idea I had was investing in a stock and earning money that way. If I could earn $30,000 from the investment during the course of the year, I could afford the MBA program. It would be like using business techniques to go to business school.

I do need a mentor to guide me through the whole process, investing, affording the MBA, finding a job, achieving my vision, so any suggestions and advice you have, I would really appreciate it.

I seem to have all these ideas, yet need to learn how to materialize them or as the saying goes, get down to the business of realizing them.

Thank you,

NAME

On 07/06/13 10:34 AM, Patrick Curtis wrote:

--------------------

I would come join the community...you seem a bit scattered. Not a good idea to risk capital with the goal to generate $30,000, unless you maybe have $100k+ to invest. Otherwise, you are really gambling. If you are looking for a mentor, I'd check out here: //www.wallstreetoasis.com/wall-street-mentors... or join our forums.

Best of luck,

Patrick

On 07/07/13 12:31 PM, NAME wrote:

--------------------

If I had $100k plus to invest, I would be on my way to business school next year. Why would it not be a good idea to risk capital, especially low amounts of capital? There is a much lower level of loss risking $100 than the $100k. There is even much less risk if you've done your homework and know which stocks are consistently on the rise.

All business is risk. I would think you would know that, founding your own SAT Prep equivalent Wall Street Prep website business. It starts off with a gamble and rises in leaps once you've invested in it.

And that's the nature of the market. In order to succeed, you have to know people and their needs. You have to become that energy to know the outcome.

Thank you for the links. I will look into both, the mentor and your forums, to see where I'd find answers. I can't seem to resolve the inner debate I'm having about whether I even need an MBA at this moment with my work experience or whether it would help me find the one career that matches in the long term.

Thank you for your help,

NAME

...after telling him his analogy of me starting the business and him playing the markets was a bad one for a variety of reasons and trying to discourage him from trying to play the markets to help him "win" $30k, it continued:

Thank you so much for your advice and help. I appreciate it.

The analogy is not that weak if you're using it. How was investing what you perceive as a small amount for you, $2000, any different than if you were me and investing $500 or $100? Relatively small amounts are invested in both cases and any resulting losses would be minimal in value.

Yes, your business name is different, but essentially, the services are the same, preparing people to obtain the equivalent of an SAT 2400 result on a person's business school application or job interview. Call it what you like, Wall St. oasis, Wall St. monkeys, or Wall Street oasis of monkeys. It doesn't change the core of the preparation service that it is.

First of all, what makes you think I only have $2000 and second of all, what makes you think I'd lose it? Did you end up losing the $2000 that you invested?

Who says that I'll lose my investments to market and investment fees if I'm investing without a broker? Looks like you forgot the cost effectiveness of DRIPs.

Yes, those PhDs from MIT pretty much own the market with their software, don't they? You know, it makes you wonder that with all their advances, they failed to invent Facebook. No, those were undergrads from Harvard that invented it.

Algos alone are not powerful in and of themselves. Their power lies within the judgment of the human that directs them.

No, I don't have an "edge" and don't need it. I have something far better...

pure market instinct.

By the way, I'm familiar with MIT. My cousin went to their Sloan School of Management, and I went into a graduate program at their Ivy League counterpart close by. So no, their algos writing PhDs definitely do not scare me...

...for some reason I continued to try and show him how flawed his logic was...i didn't know trolls sent PMs over LinkedIn? Is this guy for real?

Because I'm not sure about what I want to do in the business world. I am sure about investing, but not about what to do in terms of a job. I have a large vision, but it would take practical knowledge of business strategies to achieve it. That's why business school was suggested to me. I was told that it would give me the techniques that I would need to achieve this vision. Yet, that involves money, and the dilemma starts again...

I'm lost as far as what to do career-wise.

I know the market is highly volatile. And though, I can't give you any logical explanation for it, there is a method to its madness. It responds to the whims of people. People purchase products out of instinct and habit. I've been observing simple transactions for a long time and noticed this trend. It takes instinct to know instinct. Right now, the energy is extremely inconsistent, but it's as though this irregularity has become the new normal. Old companies are dying and new ones will emerge. The market is paving the way for them. That's why it's so disruptive to the old successful patterns. Because new patterns/products will come in their place.

I know to anyone who is logical and sensible that investing in such a market is risky and that person would be wise not to do so. But I'm not logical or sensible. My instinct is as volatile as the market, and I have been keeping a tab on the stocks that have been uncharacteristically yielding high profits. They are those stocks that are high in inducing energy themselves. That's why I believe that investing in them would be rewarding. Yes, it's not a smart decision because it doesn't involve the mind or caution. It involves gut instinct or sensing. I don't know the words to explain it. I can only tell you that had I made the decision to invest in what I'll call these "volatile stocks" two years ago, I'd have made that 30k by now.

Yes, but to understand such a market, the analytical framework or platform won't work. It defies all reason. Think of people's whims on a massive scale. They fluctuate like seismic waves. It can't be understood through any form or confines of regulation. Think of the market as a hurricane. It's just like a hurricane.

Well, I would only give you my financial or market education if I paid you for a career consultation, which is what I'm thinking of doing. It would only be fair to you for your time. Then you could see my CV and judge for yourself.

I'm extremely lost because people in business and friends have been telling me that I have financial skills and can succeed in finance. Others tell me to go into business. One friend urged me to start my own business. They think I have some skill in it. I don't see what they're talking about, and I'm nothing but confused at this point. Investing seems like the only sensible thing to do, though it seems so senseless from a logical perspective.

And I'm not arrogant. It's not my intention to be either. If I was arrogant, I would never have asked you for help in the first place. Yes, you do have more experience, sound judgment, and are better off for it. You don't have these highs and lows that I do. And no, I am not looking to beat the market. I've been trying to explain that I understand the market. From the stocks I've been watching, I know which way they'll turn. There's no rational explanation for it.

I apologize as it was not my intention to get into this whole investing argument and putting it aside, what I'm going to ask you is this. If I were to give you a list of stocks that I feel would profit, would your service be willing to be the broker and help me invest in them? I've decided that I will go through a broker for some of the stocks and invest directly in the others. And the last thing, how much do you charge for a career consultation and would you accept a check?

Face palm x100

Fuck you dude. I sought out your advice and guidance in confidence.

You're born, you take shit. You get out in the world, you take more shit. You climb a little higher, you take less shit. Till one day you're up in the rarefied atmosphere and you've forgotten what shit even looks like. Welcome to the layer cake, son.
 
Jul 29, 2013 - 7:48pm

WallStreetOasis.com:

This is pretty bad - reminds me of an exchange I had with someone random on LinkedIn earlier this month...for some reason, I kept trying to help before giving up and/or realize I was being trolled:

On 07/05/13 11:15 AM, NAME wrote:

--------------------

Hello Patrick,

I think I fit the bill for your community. Currently, I am struggling to find funding for a MBA at my university. I had spoken with our School of Management's advising office, and they don't have any scholarships, grants, or graduate assistantships. I am at a loss about what to do.

One idea I had was investing in a stock and earning money that way. If I could earn $30,000 from the investment during the course of the year, I could afford the MBA program. It would be like using business techniques to go to business school.

I do need a mentor to guide me through the whole process, investing, affording the MBA, finding a job, achieving my vision, so any suggestions and advice you have, I would really appreciate it.

I seem to have all these ideas, yet need to learn how to materialize them or as the saying goes, get down to the business of realizing them.

Thank you,

NAME

On 07/06/13 10:34 AM, Patrick Curtis wrote:

--------------------

I would come join the community...you seem a bit scattered. Not a good idea to risk capital with the goal to generate $30,000, unless you maybe have $100k+ to invest. Otherwise, you are really gambling. If you are looking for a mentor, I'd check out here: //www.wallstreetoasis.com/wall-street-mentors... or join our forums.

Best of luck,

Patrick

On 07/07/13 12:31 PM, NAME wrote:

--------------------

If I had $100k plus to invest, I would be on my way to business school next year. Why would it not be a good idea to risk capital, especially low amounts of capital? There is a much lower level of loss risking $100 than the $100k. There is even much less risk if you've done your homework and know which stocks are consistently on the rise.

All business is risk. I would think you would know that, founding your own SAT Prep equivalent Wall Street Prep website business. It starts off with a gamble and rises in leaps once you've invested in it.

And that's the nature of the market. In order to succeed, you have to know people and their needs. You have to become that energy to know the outcome.

Thank you for the links. I will look into both, the mentor and your forums, to see where I'd find answers. I can't seem to resolve the inner debate I'm having about whether I even need an MBA at this moment with my work experience or whether it would help me find the one career that matches in the long term.

Thank you for your help,

NAME

...after telling him his analogy of me starting the business and him playing the markets was a bad one for a variety of reasons and trying to discourage him from trying to play the markets to help him "win" $30k, it continued:

Thank you so much for your advice and help. I appreciate it.

The analogy is not that weak if you're using it. How was investing what you perceive as a small amount for you, $2000, any different than if you were me and investing $500 or $100? Relatively small amounts are invested in both cases and any resulting losses would be minimal in value.

Yes, your business name is different, but essentially, the services are the same, preparing people to obtain the equivalent of an SAT 2400 result on a person's business school application or job interview. Call it what you like, Wall St. oasis, Wall St. monkeys, or Wall Street oasis of monkeys. It doesn't change the core of the preparation service that it is.

First of all, what makes you think I only have $2000 and second of all, what makes you think I'd lose it? Did you end up losing the $2000 that you invested?

Who says that I'll lose my investments to market and investment fees if I'm investing without a broker? Looks like you forgot the cost effectiveness of DRIPs.

Yes, those PhDs from MIT pretty much own the market with their software, don't they? You know, it makes you wonder that with all their advances, they failed to invent Facebook. No, those were undergrads from Harvard that invented it.

Algos alone are not powerful in and of themselves. Their power lies within the judgment of the human that directs them.

No, I don't have an "edge" and don't need it. I have something far better...

pure market instinct.

By the way, I'm familiar with MIT. My cousin went to their Sloan School of Management, and I went into a graduate program at their Ivy League counterpart close by. So no, their algos writing PhDs definitely do not scare me...

...for some reason I continued to try and show him how flawed his logic was...i didn't know trolls sent PMs over LinkedIn? Is this guy for real?

Because I'm not sure about what I want to do in the business world. I am sure about investing, but not about what to do in terms of a job. I have a large vision, but it would take practical knowledge of business strategies to achieve it. That's why business school was suggested to me. I was told that it would give me the techniques that I would need to achieve this vision. Yet, that involves money, and the dilemma starts again...

I'm lost as far as what to do career-wise.

I know the market is highly volatile. And though, I can't give you any logical explanation for it, there is a method to its madness. It responds to the whims of people. People purchase products out of instinct and habit. I've been observing simple transactions for a long time and noticed this trend. It takes instinct to know instinct. Right now, the energy is extremely inconsistent, but it's as though this irregularity has become the new normal. Old companies are dying and new ones will emerge. The market is paving the way for them. That's why it's so disruptive to the old successful patterns. Because new patterns/products will come in their place.

I know to anyone who is logical and sensible that investing in such a market is risky and that person would be wise not to do so. But I'm not logical or sensible. My instinct is as volatile as the market, and I have been keeping a tab on the stocks that have been uncharacteristically yielding high profits. They are those stocks that are high in inducing energy themselves. That's why I believe that investing in them would be rewarding. Yes, it's not a smart decision because it doesn't involve the mind or caution. It involves gut instinct or sensing. I don't know the words to explain it. I can only tell you that had I made the decision to invest in what I'll call these "volatile stocks" two years ago, I'd have made that 30k by now.

Yes, but to understand such a market, the analytical framework or platform won't work. It defies all reason. Think of people's whims on a massive scale. They fluctuate like seismic waves. It can't be understood through any form or confines of regulation. Think of the market as a hurricane. It's just like a hurricane.

Well, I would only give you my financial or market education if I paid you for a career consultation, which is what I'm thinking of doing. It would only be fair to you for your time. Then you could see my CV and judge for yourself.

I'm extremely lost because people in business and friends have been telling me that I have financial skills and can succeed in finance. Others tell me to go into business. One friend urged me to start my own business. They think I have some skill in it. I don't see what they're talking about, and I'm nothing but confused at this point. Investing seems like the only sensible thing to do, though it seems so senseless from a logical perspective.

And I'm not arrogant. It's not my intention to be either. If I was arrogant, I would never have asked you for help in the first place. Yes, you do have more experience, sound judgment, and are better off for it. You don't have these highs and lows that I do. And no, I am not looking to beat the market. I've been trying to explain that I understand the market. From the stocks I've been watching, I know which way they'll turn. There's no rational explanation for it.

I apologize as it was not my intention to get into this whole investing argument and putting it aside, what I'm going to ask you is this. If I were to give you a list of stocks that I feel would profit, would your service be willing to be the broker and help me invest in them? I've decided that I will go through a broker for some of the stocks and invest directly in the others. And the last thing, how much do you charge for a career consultation and would you accept a check?

Face palm x100

The guy must have been on drugs during this exchange or something. As a troll its not even funny

 
Jul 29, 2013 - 10:01pm

WallStreetOasis.com:

no, I gave up :-)

SirTradesaLot rule #7: Smile and wave when you're dealing with the mentally challenged/clinically insane. Do no more and no less. Do not engage.
 
Aug 2, 2013 - 2:36pm

Poorly written, blah, blah, blah...

My question is: If it was a Harvard grad, all sins are forgiven, aren't they ?

Show me someone who hasn't laid down the red carpet for Harvard grads. Employers, they'll even rewrite their Resumes for them if it just happens to be that bad like the above.

True Story: Harvard MBA gets hired at top firm - guy can't even speak English, which I think is one of the most basic requirements to function in America, at any level.

Winners bring a bigger bag than you do. I have a degree in meritocracy.
 
Aug 2, 2013 - 2:56pm

Financier4Hire:

Poorly written, blah, blah, blah...

My question is: If it was a Harvard grad, all sins are forgiven, aren't they ?

Show me someone who hasn't laid down the red carpet for Harvard grads. Employers, they'll even rewrite their Resumes for them if it just happens to be that bad like the above.

True Story: Harvard MBA gets hired at top firm - guy can't even speak English, which I think is one of the most basic requirements to function in America, at any level.

Wtf are you even talking about?

"For I am a sinner in the hands of an angry God. Bloody Mary full of vodka, blessed are you among cocktails. Pray for me now and at the hour of my death, which I hope is soon. Amen."
 
Aug 2, 2013 - 4:30pm

SirTradesaLot:

I received a cover letter, resume, and some other related collateral (a supposed 'research' report) relatively recently from a cold-emailer that I thought was worth highlighting, because it has some prime examples of what not to say/write to anyone ever. I'll post some excerpts below that will preserve the anonymity of the applicant:

Excuses

"I realize my professional experience is more in technology, and lacks in finance. I believe that was just bad luck due to graduating from my MBA program at the height of the "Great Recession", however, I am 100% committed and motivated to prove myself in a finance position."

Bad luck? No, it's the shitty and difficult to read resume, cover letter, and 'research reports' which are the issue. I'm almost certain you would be a terrible employee just by the quality of the work you sent me in a cold-email. You graduated from college 10 years ago, by the way. I remember at least a few of those as being pretty good years. If you were halfway decent, you could have squeaked in the industry in more than a few of those years. Please do not pin all of your circumstance on luck, especially in a cover letter. Even if the reader is a big believer in luck, you're telling him you're unlucky. Who wants to hire someone who's unlucky? It seems the bad luck streak started in utero, if you ask me.

Revealing your ignorance

Even worse than just plain ignorance, the below quote was from an attached research report that this guy wrote. Since he thought it was worth including, I assume the report was something he was proud of, but it was cringe-worthy.

"I am placing a STRONG BUY recommendation on [company]. ("ticker") and believe that [the company], at the current price of $10.00, trades at a 123% discount to my estimated fair market value of $22.30" (both made up numbers to scale to the actual numbers listed in the 'report').

123% discount? C'mon man. Don't you think about the stuff you write before you blast it out to hundreds of potential employers? Anyone that reads it will certainly never hire you.

The report should have never been attached. It made a weak applicant look even worse. He's clearly never done anything but 'book learn' on these subjects and it's painfully obvious by reading the report. He uses 4 valuation methodologies on the stock with the sole intention of showing that he knows more than one valuation method. If you're thinking of including a research report on a company when you're cold-emailing people, it's a high risk strategy. Your research probably sucks unless you've been doing so professionally. If there is any doubt at all about including a 'research report', do not do it.

(side note: the research report had a lot of opinions and not a lot of facts and it lacked connections between really basic facts about the current state of the business to the 'projections'.)

Miscellaneous

"Dear Hiring Manager, 


I am an inquisitive mind that loves to use this innate trait towards evaluating the economy, markets, and stocks. Those skills are collecting data, and analyzing the data."

Face palm. This is how the cover letter starts. So much is wrong with this, I hope it does not require an explanation.

"computer skills" is mentioned in both the resume and cover letter. In general, if you are listing "computer skills" as one of your strengths, it probably isn't. You should probably be more specific or focus on something else.

"CORE COMPETANCIES" -- Listed as a major category on the resume. If your "computer skills" are so strong, you should probably know how to use spell check.

"Sincerely,

John Public, MBA"


You're not a medical doctor, you do not put "MBA" in your god damned signature. Seriously, wtf is wrong with you?

A million bucks says this guy was Indian. Was he Indian??

 
Aug 2, 2013 - 5:23pm

DCDepository:

SirTradesaLot:

I received a cover letter, resume, and some other related collateral (a supposed 'research' report) relatively recently from a cold-emailer that I thought was worth highlighting, because it has some prime examples of what not to say/write to anyone ever. I'll post some excerpts below that will preserve the anonymity of the applicant:

Excuses

"I realize my professional experience is more in technology, and lacks in finance. I believe that was just bad luck due to graduating from my MBA program at the height of the "Great Recession", however, I am 100% committed and motivated to prove myself in a finance position."

Bad luck? No, it's the shitty and difficult to read resume, cover letter, and 'research reports' which are the issue. I'm almost certain you would be a terrible employee just by the quality of the work you sent me in a cold-email. You graduated from college 10 years ago, by the way. I remember at least a few of those as being pretty good years. If you were halfway decent, you could have squeaked in the industry in more than a few of those years. Please do not pin all of your circumstance on luck, especially in a cover letter. Even if the reader is a big believer in luck, you're telling him you're unlucky. Who wants to hire someone who's unlucky? It seems the bad luck streak started in utero, if you ask me.

Revealing your ignorance

Even worse than just plain ignorance, the below quote was from an attached research report that this guy wrote. Since he thought it was worth including, I assume the report was something he was proud of, but it was cringe-worthy.

"I am placing a STRONG BUY recommendation on [company]. ("ticker") and believe that [the company], at the current price of $10.00, trades at a 123% discount to my estimated fair market value of $22.30" (both made up numbers to scale to the actual numbers listed in the 'report').

123% discount? C'mon man. Don't you think about the stuff you write before you blast it out to hundreds of potential employers? Anyone that reads it will certainly never hire you.

The report should have never been attached. It made a weak applicant look even worse. He's clearly never done anything but 'book learn' on these subjects and it's painfully obvious by reading the report. He uses 4 valuation methodologies on the stock with the sole intention of showing that he knows more than one valuation method. If you're thinking of including a research report on a company when you're cold-emailing people, it's a high risk strategy. Your research probably sucks unless you've been doing so professionally. If there is any doubt at all about including a 'research report', do not do it.

(side note: the research report had a lot of opinions and not a lot of facts and it lacked connections between really basic facts about the current state of the business to the 'projections'.)

Miscellaneous

"Dear Hiring Manager, 



I am an inquisitive mind that loves to use this innate trait towards evaluating the economy, markets, and stocks. Those skills are collecting data, and analyzing the data."

Face palm. This is how the cover letter starts. So much is wrong with this, I hope it does not require an explanation.

"computer skills" is mentioned in both the resume and cover letter. In general, if you are listing "computer skills" as one of your strengths, it probably isn't. You should probably be more specific or focus on something else.

"CORE COMPETANCIES" -- Listed as a major category on the resume. If your "computer skills" are so strong, you should probably know how to use spell check.

"Sincerely,

John Public, MBA"


You're not a medical doctor, you do not put "MBA" in your god damned signature. Seriously, wtf is wrong with you?

A million bucks says this guy was Indian. Was he Indian??


Anglo name (first and last), but of course I never met him so I couldn't tell you for sure.
 
Aug 3, 2013 - 3:42am

Though I am an undergraduate student, after all, one candidate like the above situation gets 'PASS' if a well-known MBA program is stated on the CV.
If not, good luck.

 
Aug 3, 2013 - 3:43am

10 Words/Terms That Ruin a Resume (Originally Posted: 07/16/2012)

andy note: thought some of you could find these helpful (from monster.com senior editor)

Your resume needs an update -- that is, if your resume is like that of most people, it’s not as good as it could be. The problem is language: Most resumes are a thicket of deadwood words and phrases -- empty cliches, annoying jargon and recycled buzzwords. Recruiters, HR folks and hiring managers see these terms over and over again, and it makes them sad. 

Wouldn’t you rather make them happy? It’s time to start raking out your resume, starting with these (and similar) terms.

1. “Salary negotiable”

Yes, they know. If you’re wasting a precious line of your resume on this term, it looks as though you’re padding -- that you’ve run out of things to talk about. If your salary is not negotiable, that would be somewhat unusual. (Still, don’t put that on your resume either.)

2. “References available by request”

See the preceding comment about unnecessary terms.

3. “Responsible for ______”

Reading this term, the recruiter can almost picture the C-average, uninspired employee mechanically fulfilling his job requirements -- no more, no less. Having been responsible for something isn’t something you did -- it’s something that happened to you. Turn phrases like “responsible for” into “managed,” “led” or other decisive, strong verbs.

4. “Experience working in ______”

Again, experience is something that happens to you -- not something you achieve. Describe your background in terms of achievements.

5. “Problem-solving skills”

You know who else has problem-solving skills? Monkeys. Dogs. On your resume, stick to skills that require a human.

6. “Detail-oriented”

So, you pay attention to details. Well, so does everyone else. Don’t you have something unique to tell the hiring manager? Plus, putting this on your resume will make that accidental typo in your cover letter or resume all the more comical.

7. “Hardworking”

Have you ever heard the term “show -- don’t tell”? This is where that might apply. Anyone can call himself a hard worker. It’s a lot more convincing if you describe situations in concrete detail in which your hard work benefited an employer.

8. “Team player”

See the preceding comment about showing instead of telling. There are very few jobs that don’t involve working with someone else. If you have relevant success stories about collaboration, put them on your resume. Talk about the kinds of teams you worked on, and how you succeeded.

see the rest of the list at http://career-advice.monster.com/resumes-cover-letters/resume-writing-t…

WSO's COO (Chief Operating Orangutan) | My Linkedin

  • 3
 
Aug 3, 2013 - 3:50am

valuationGURU:
Also, be careful saying you are an expert, "expert at Excel". They may call you on it.

Might I just add, also don't say that in an interview, even if you are baited, it will not end well. I interviewed someone looking for a full time Analyst position where I asked, "I saw that you worked at ___ bank last summer on a fixed income desk. Would you say you are a fixed income expert?". Yes, was the answer. Things went downhill from there.
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