Hey guys. There is a lot of useful advice on this site, so I figured I would reach out to you guys with what has been on my mind lately.
I feel like I am falling into a pit of depression. As background, I accepted a bbsummering at the same bb about a month ago.
So here goes the story:
1) My roommates are way more successful than I am:
I live with 2 guys, both my best friends since the start of college. One is going to a top IBD group ( /MS m&a) and the other is . Now, I didn't have any interest in consulting nor did I interview with the IBD group roommate 1 is going to, but they are undoubtfully better than me. I am going to a top group at ( /CS/ ). Everyone is constantly impressed with my roommates, people are always talking about how smart they both are. I am beyond happy for them and they both deserve it, but I cannot help but feel like the underdog.
2) I am coming into terms that I will be miserable:
My group is a complete sweatshop. The analysts are great and I made some very close friends this summer, but everyone hates their lives. I don't know if this is true of people at every bank, or it is unique to mine - but people are straight up depressed. The hours are miserable and it does not look like they will be getting any better. We are top notch in my industry coverage, but I don't know if that justifies how painful the experience will be, given I'm still not at a firm that guarantees placement at megafunds or anything by any means. Basically, it is possible but it will be a struggle regardless - so the sweatshop culture/hours are harder to justify
3) I can't get over the fact that I am leaving all of my friends:
I hate change. I always have. It only recently hit me that my closest friends won't be around next year. One of my roommates is going to San Fran and the other is going to Atlanta. I will be moving to a different city all by myself, where i know few people. My family isn't around, my relationship ended like a year ago and she won't be around, and my friends/support system are all leaving and doing their own thing.
4) I can't be happy/don't feel good enough:
This one is self explanatory. I don't feel good about my accomplishments because all I see are other people's being better/more prestigious.
5) I can't find an escape from banking/recruiting and it's driving me insane:
Everywhere I go people are talking about this shit. My school has an undergrad business school and it is insane how career obsessed everyone is. I just want an escape from it and it's hard to find that when recruiting is all anyone talks about. People without jobs are constantly sucking up to everyone consultant/banker around them - it's disgusting. People with jobs are shoving their offers down people's throats and trying to one-up everyone else. It's even more disgusting. I just want out of this horrible world of finance.
6) I feel like a shitty person:
All of this makes me feel fucking horrible. What kind of guy isn't happy for his friends when they are successful? Who is constantly jealous of their roommates? I feel selfish and just generally not a good person. I'm trying to go out of my way to help juniors/whoever I can for recruiting, but even that doesn't make me feel better. I just don't think I'm a good person anymore. I feel like finance and IBD has changed me, and unfortunately I am smart enough to realize that I'm turning into the kind of douche no one wants to be around.
I don't know what to do guys. Does anyone relate? Am I just crazy? Seriously considering seeing a therapist here. I have everyone I have ever wanted in life, and I have every reason to be happy. Yet, I am beyond miserable.