What Does Your Drink Say About You? Part II
mod note (Andy) see part one here
The breeze is brisk, the Starbucks cups are red, and the sidewalks of New York City are crowded body-to-body with packs of overweight tourists and kids on leashes. With football season in full swing and the winter doldrums looming large, summer days spent slamming beers at The Standard beer garden are but a distant memory. The holiday season is upon us, and while investment banking analysts across Wall Street are girding for a fiscal cliff-induced Christmas deal staffing special, a hint of holiday cheer hangs around the bullpen. That’s because around this time of year, junior investment bankers celebrate a Wall Street tradition as hallowed as the almighty 100-page Strategic Alternatives pitch. Monkeys rejoice – it’s Holiday Party season.
See if you can recognize any of these characters at your firm’s mid-December soiree:
The Craft Beer
Sam Adams Winter Ale? None of that for this guy. Craft Beer guy is probably the closest thing to a hipster banker. While everyone else is greedily slurping down Jack & Cokes and ripping tequila shots, Craft Beer guy is asking the bartender if they’ve got any Delirium Tremens in the back fridge. Craft beer guy loves drinking Belgian Trappist from a goblet, and sneers at the simple sacks who drink pale American swill. When Bud Light Guy calls him out for being an obnoxious fartsniffer, he comes back with something along the lines of “I’m drinking 8% ABV abbey ale, you are drinking hog piss.” In a way, he’s right – but who cares?
The Vodka Soda
Don't care what season it is
Ever see that Ketel One commercial where all the dudes in suits are drinking vodka-rocks like it’s Johnnie Blue? That is not this guy. Hiding behind the curtain of flavorlessness is a problem binge drinker. It’s snowing outside and you go with a frosty, alcoholic Perrier. Is it because the squeeze of lime is just so refreshing on a late November evening? No. It’s because, like water, one can chug vodka soda by the gallon. One sure indication that it’s no longer summertime? People are drinking vodka soda sans straw. If you see Vodka Soda guy, give him some encouragement, then order him a double – he’s trying to catch up.
The Old Fashioned
With the exploding popularity of mixology bars, bartenders at regular-ass bars are seeing more and more of Mister Old Fashioned. While there’s certainly nothing wrong with this fantastic whiskey libation, ordering an Old Fashioned at your average open bar is like ordering seafood at a fast-food joint. You want Four Roses? You’re getting Early Times. You want seared ahi? You’re getting a fucking Filet-O-Fish. There’s a time and a place for specialty cocktails, and unless your holiday party is at Please Don’t Tell, you should probably stick to the basics. Look out for Mister Old Fashioned bitching to the bartender about using a shaker instead of a swizzle stick.
The Eggnog
Swizzle my nizzle
Nothing screams “I’m only having one drink then I’m heading back to the office!!!!” more than ordering a “festive” cocktail. Oh yeah, make this one really count, make it in with the season! Make it special! Gosh, you’re so fun! The fact that you made it out and enjoyed a pop with the rest of the gang totally makes up for the fact that you’re going to sneak off in five minutes because you “forgot your Blackberry at your desk.” You are making the rest of us feel a combination of 1) sad for you because you’re too tied up to enjoy yourself, 2) sad for ourselves because blacking out and puking at a work party is the biggest thrill we’ve had in months, and 3) offended that you would dare to break rank and not black out with the rest of us. Damn you and your self-righteous ways, Eggnog drinker. Why can’t you just make a fool of yourself like everyone else?
The Scotch on the Rocks
This is a man with a plan. A wily veteran. Whether it’s a smoky Lagavulin or a rotten apple juice Chivas, scotch is a sippin’ drink. Neat or on the rocks, doesn’t matter. The Scotch drinker keeps a steady pace – because he knows the night is long. He isn’t the first to start dancing on the bar or to make a pass at the group head’s assistant (see Vodka Red Bull guy), but he may be the last. Scotch on the Rocks guy knows that the open bar at the holiday party is the just the first of several venues. If you’re trying to make it an epic one (and who isn’t), keep close to Scotch on the Rocks guy – he will end up leading the whole party out and about around the city, from the bar, to the club, to the gentlemen’s club, to the cigar lounge, to the after-hours party. Too cool to stay out late? Go hang out with Eggnog.
Stay thirsty, my friends.
Send holiday party invitations to [email protected]





Comments
As a scotch drinker, SB for
As a scotch drinker, SB for you.
wow, if your assessment is
wow, if your assessment is correct, half my office is closet alcoholics (vodka sodas flow here like water from the water cooler)
Check out my Blog
Jim Beam on the rocks
Jim Beam on the rocks
pick em, lick em, stick em
great stuff thanks burr,
great stuff thanks burr, whiskey / rocks for me plz
WSO's COO (Chief Operating Orangutan) | My story | Connect with me on Linkedin.
2013 WSO Conference
I like good beer, craft beers
I like good beer, craft beers tend to be better than mass produced water-beer (though I'll drink the hell out of Bud Light if it's all I got). I hate hipsters :(
My drink pretty much becomes what I've been drinking lately. When I start drinking whiskey or rum for a couple days, I don't even think about beer... and vice versa.
If your dreams don't scare you, then they are not big enough.
"There are two types of people in this world: People who say they pee in the shower, and dirty fucking liars."-Louis C.K.
as a vodka drinker id have to
as a vodka drinker id have to say this assessment is correct. although i hold the soda until halfway through the night
Your writing style is superb.
Your writing style is superb. Please take over Matt Levine's spot over at Dealbreaker. You and Bess would revolutionize finance blogs.
"A man generally has two reasons for doing anything. One that sounds good, and the real one." - J.P. Morgan
You yanks need to drink more
You yanks need to drink more bourbon. A nice bourbon and coke or bourbon on the rocks is the way to go.
Can't I still be Martini Guy
Can't I still be Martini Guy through the holiday season? I'm not going to let a bunch of discarded evergreen conifers and fat bearded men without a full color palette change who I am. Extra olives please.
You have to play the game to find out why you're playing the game.
Going Concern: Can't I still
Can't I still be Martini Guy through the holiday season? I'm not going to let a bunch of discarded evergreen conifers and fat bearded men without a full color palette change who I am. Extra olives please.
Ah, the sophisticate cousin of Vodka Soda guy. A breath of vermouth and a pair of bleu cheese jumbos.
See my other WSO blog posts
Kenny Powers: Jim Beam on the
Jim Beam on the rocks
You are an absolute hooligan - and I admire that.
See my other WSO blog posts
BTbanker: Your writing style
Your writing style is superb. Please take over Matt Levine's spot over at Dealbreaker. You and Bess would revolutionize finance blogs.
or better yet bess should come over here...
WSO's COO (Chief Operating Orangutan) | My story | Connect with me on Linkedin.
2013 WSO Conference
Hipsters drink PBR, they
Hipsters drink PBR, they don't drink Chimay. Though I will admit there is an air of "what? you've never heard of this brewery before? I've been drinking this for years" with people who love craft beer. Also, despite their "popularity", Sam Adams is still very much a craft beer ... they hold only ~1% of the total US market share
AndyLouis: BTbanker: Your
Your writing style is superb. Please take over Matt Levine's spot over at Dealbreaker. You and Bess would revolutionize finance blogs.
or better yet bess should come over here...
Haha, we'll have to wine & dine her on the WSO expense account. I was thinking Dorsia?
"A man generally has two reasons for doing anything. One that sounds good, and the real one." - J.P. Morgan
spot on
spot on
Nothing for the guy drinking
Work hard, play hard.
IlliniProgrammer: Nothing for
"A man generally has two reasons for doing anything. One that sounds good, and the real one." - J.P. Morgan
PBR only for me, sorry bros.
"An intellectual is a man who takes more words than necessary to tell more than he knows."
- Dwight D. Eisenhower
Check out my blog!
I drink scotch on the rocks
Dom all day, Natty all night
Unforseen: wow, if your
I'm a lover, not a fighter, but I'm also a fighter, so don't get any ideas.
My WSO Blog
Nakaldun7913: As a scotch
Jack: They’re all former investment bankers who were laid off from that economic crisis that Nancy Pelosi caused. They have zero real world skills, but God they work hard.
-30 Rock
wolverine19x89: I like good
Revsly: Nakaldun7913: As a
Check out my Blog
Unforseen: Some scotches are
You have to play the game to find out why you're playing the game.
DonVon: PBR only for me,
"An intellectual is a man who takes more words than necessary to tell more than he knows."
- Dwight D. Eisenhower
Check out my blog!
Going
I'm a lover, not a fighter, but I'm also a fighter, so don't get any ideas.
My WSO Blog
Scotch is meant to be enjoyed
Send holiday party
blackthorne: Scotch is meant
Check out my Blog
Slamming back Jack and Diets
My name is Nicky, but you can call me Dre.
blackthorne: Scotch is meant
Jack: They’re all former investment bankers who were laid off from that economic crisis that Nancy Pelosi caused. They have zero real world skills, but God they work hard.
-30 Rock
aempirei: Slamming back Jack
pick em, lick em, stick em
Revsly: blackthorne: Scotch
Macallan 18 (Either sherry or
Maybe you yanks have the
BTbanker: Your writing style
EURCHF parity: Maybe you
Make me a drink strong enough
You have to play the game to find out why you're playing the game.
Nice post; from another
"Dont compromise yourself; you're all you've got" - Janis Joplin
wow, I missed alot over the
Kenny
My name is Nicky, but you can call me Dre.
I'm usually up for