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mod note (Andy) see part one here

The breeze is brisk, the Starbucks cups are red, and the sidewalks of New York City are crowded body-to-body with packs of overweight tourists and kids on leashes. With football season in full swing and the winter doldrums looming large, summer days spent slamming beers at The Standard beer garden are but a distant memory. The holiday season is upon us, and while investment banking analysts across Wall Street are girding for a fiscal cliff-induced Christmas deal staffing special, a hint of holiday cheer hangs around the bullpen. That’s because around this time of year, junior investment bankers celebrate a Wall Street tradition as hallowed as the almighty 100-page Strategic Alternatives pitch. Monkeys rejoice – it’s Holiday Party season.

See if you can recognize any of these characters at your firm’s mid-December soiree:


    The Craft Beer

    Sam Adams Winter Ale? None of that for this guy. Craft Beer guy is probably the closest thing to a hipster banker. While everyone else is greedily slurping down Jack & Cokes and ripping tequila shots, Craft Beer guy is asking the bartender if they’ve got any Delirium Tremens in the back fridge. Craft beer guy loves drinking Belgian Trappist from a goblet, and sneers at the simple sacks who drink pale American swill. When Bud Light Guy calls him out for being an obnoxious fartsniffer, he comes back with something along the lines of “I’m drinking 8% ABV abbey ale, you are drinking hog piss.” In a way, he’s right – but who cares?


    The Vodka Soda

Don't care what season it is

    Ever see that Ketel One commercial where all the dudes in suits are drinking vodka-rocks like it’s Johnnie Blue? That is not this guy. Hiding behind the curtain of flavorlessness is a problem binge drinker. It’s snowing outside and you go with a frosty, alcoholic Perrier. Is it because the squeeze of lime is just so refreshing on a late November evening? No. It’s because, like water, one can chug vodka soda by the gallon. One sure indication that it’s no longer summertime? People are drinking vodka soda sans straw. If you see Vodka Soda guy, give him some encouragement, then order him a double – he’s trying to catch up.


    The Old Fashioned

    With the exploding popularity of mixology bars, bartenders at regular-ass bars are seeing more and more of Mister Old Fashioned. While there’s certainly nothing wrong with this fantastic whiskey libation, ordering an Old Fashioned at your average open bar is like ordering seafood at a fast-food joint. You want Four Roses? You’re getting Early Times. You want seared ahi? You’re getting a fucking Filet-O-Fish. There’s a time and a place for specialty cocktails, and unless your holiday party is at Please Don’t Tell, you should probably stick to the basics. Look out for Mister Old Fashioned bitching to the bartender about using a shaker instead of a swizzle stick.


    The Eggnog

Swizzle my nizzle

    Nothing screams “I’m only having one drink then I’m heading back to the office!!!!” more than ordering a “festive” cocktail. Oh yeah, make this one really count, make it in with the season! Make it special! Gosh, you’re so fun! The fact that you made it out and enjoyed a pop with the rest of the gang totally makes up for the fact that you’re going to sneak off in five minutes because you “forgot your Blackberry at your desk.” You are making the rest of us feel a combination of 1) sad for you because you’re too tied up to enjoy yourself, 2) sad for ourselves because blacking out and puking at a work party is the biggest thrill we’ve had in months, and 3) offended that you would dare to break rank and not black out with the rest of us. Damn you and your self-righteous ways, Eggnog drinker. Why can’t you just make a fool of yourself like everyone else?


    The Scotch on the Rocks

    This is a man with a plan. A wily veteran. Whether it’s a smoky Lagavulin or a rotten apple juice Chivas, scotch is a sippin’ drink. Neat or on the rocks, doesn’t matter. The Scotch drinker keeps a steady pace – because he knows the night is long. He isn’t the first to start dancing on the bar or to make a pass at the group head’s assistant (see Vodka Red Bull guy), but he may be the last. Scotch on the Rocks guy knows that the open bar at the holiday party is the just the first of several venues. If you’re trying to make it an epic one (and who isn’t), keep close to Scotch on the Rocks guy – he will end up leading the whole party out and about around the city, from the bar, to the club, to the gentlemen’s club, to the cigar lounge, to the after-hours party. Too cool to stay out late? Go hang out with Eggnog.

Stay thirsty, my friends.

Send holiday party invitations to [email protected]

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Comments (43)

  • Nakaldun7913's picture

    As a scotch drinker, SB for you.

  • Unforseen's picture

    wow, if your assessment is correct, half my office is closet alcoholics (vodka sodas flow here like water from the water cooler)

  • Kenny Powers's picture

    Jim Beam on the rocks

    My drinkin' problem left today, she packed up all her bags and walked away.

  • wolverine19x89's picture

    I like good beer, craft beers tend to be better than mass produced water-beer (though I'll drink the hell out of Bud Light if it's all I got). I hate hipsters :(

    My drink pretty much becomes what I've been drinking lately. When I start drinking whiskey or rum for a couple days, I don't even think about beer... and vice versa.

    If your dreams don't scare you, then they are not big enough.

    "There are two types of people in this world: People who say they pee in the shower, and dirty fucking liars."-Louis C.K.

  • kmzz's picture

    as a vodka drinker id have to say this assessment is correct. although i hold the soda until halfway through the night

  • BTbanker's picture

    Your writing style is superb. Please take over Matt Levine's spot over at Dealbreaker. You and Bess would revolutionize finance blogs.

  • MindOverMonkey's picture

    You yanks need to drink more bourbon. A nice bourbon and coke or bourbon on the rocks is the way to go.

  • Going Concern's picture

    Can't I still be Martini Guy through the holiday season? I'm not going to let a bunch of discarded evergreen conifers and fat bearded men without a full color palette change who I am. Extra olives please.

    “A deception that elevates us is dearer than a host of low truths”

  • In reply to Going Concern
    Aaron Burr's picture

    Going Concern wrote:
    Can't I still be Martini Guy through the holiday season? I'm not going to let a bunch of discarded evergreen conifers and fat bearded men without a full color palette change who I am. Extra olives please.

    Ah, the sophisticate cousin of Vodka Soda guy. A breath of vermouth and a pair of bleu cheese jumbos.

  • In reply to Kenny Powers
    Aaron Burr's picture

    Kenny Powers wrote:
    Jim Beam on the rocks

    You are an absolute hooligan - and I admire that.

  • In reply to BTbanker
    AndyLouis's picture

    BTbanker wrote:
    Your writing style is superb. Please take over Matt Levine's spot over at Dealbreaker. You and Bess would revolutionize finance blogs.
    or better yet bess should come over here...

  • nyc123's picture

    Hipsters drink PBR, they don't drink Chimay. Though I will admit there is an air of "what? you've never heard of this brewery before? I've been drinking this for years" with people who love craft beer. Also, despite their "popularity", Sam Adams is still very much a craft beer ... they hold only ~1% of the total US market share

  • In reply to AndyLouis
    BTbanker's picture

    AndyLouis wrote:
    BTbanker wrote:
    Your writing style is superb. Please take over Matt Levine's spot over at Dealbreaker. You and Bess would revolutionize finance blogs.
    or better yet bess should come over here...

    Haha, we'll have to wine & dine her on the WSO expense account. I was thinking Dorsia?

  • IlliniProgrammer's picture

    Nothing for the guy drinking PBR and Yellowtail??? :(

  • In reply to IlliniProgrammer
    BTbanker's picture

    IlliniProgrammer wrote:
    Nothing for the guy drinking PBR and Yellowtail??? :(

    PBR is great

  • DonVon's picture

    PBR only for me, sorry bros.

    "An intellectual is a man who takes more words than necessary to tell more than he knows."
    - Dwight D. Eisenhower
    Check out my blog!

  • canuckmoney's picture

    I drink scotch on the rocks when i'm trying to relax, rum and coke when i'm trying to get drunk(most of the time) and a steady stream of heinekens and alexander keiths to keep me going... Inb4 douche bag comments lol

  • expenseaccounts's picture

    Dom all day, Natty all night

  • In reply to Unforseen
    SirTradesaLot's picture

    Unforseen wrote:
    wow, if your assessment is correct, half my office is closet alcoholics (vodka sodas flow here like water from the water cooler)
    Assuming you're in your twenties right now, they're probably just problem drinkers. In 10 years, you'll have a collection of high functioning alcoholics.

    adapt or die wrote:
    What would P.T. Barnum say about you?

    MY BLOG

  • In reply to Nakaldun7913
    Revsly's picture

    Nakaldun7913 wrote:
    As a scotch drinker, SB for you.

    As a scotch drinker, never never never with ice!!!

    Jack: They’re all former investment bankers who were laid off from that economic crisis that Nancy Pelosi caused. They have zero real world skills, but God they work hard.
    -30 Rock

  • In reply to wolverine19x89
    Febreeze's picture

    wolverine19x89 wrote:
    I like good beer, craft beers tend to be better than mass produced water-beer (though I'll drink the hell out of Bud Light if it's all I got). I hate hipsters :(

    My drink pretty much becomes what I've been drinking lately. When I start drinking whiskey or rum for a couple days, I don't even think about beer... and vice versa.

    this. all day.

  • In reply to Revsly
    Unforseen's picture

    Revsly wrote:
    Nakaldun7913 wrote:
    As a scotch drinker, SB for you.

    As a scotch drinker, never never never with ice!!!

    ummm, ice sometimes helps release the flavors more slowly.

    Some scotches are meant to be drank with ice/splash of water

    I wish we had someone from Walter Scott Inv Partners here to chime in....bet that person would rape anybody in scotch drinking knowledge

  • In reply to Unforseen
    Going Concern's picture

    Unforseen wrote:
    Some scotches are meant to be drank with ice/splash of water

    Splash of water? Might as well be drinking a Minute Maid juice box with an L-shaped straw.

    “A deception that elevates us is dearer than a host of low truths”

  • In reply to DonVon
    DonVon's picture

    DonVon wrote:
    PBR only for me, sorry bros.

    Oh come on bros!!! Why the MS for this?

    "An intellectual is a man who takes more words than necessary to tell more than he knows."
    - Dwight D. Eisenhower
    Check out my blog!

  • In reply to Going Concern
    SirTradesaLot's picture

    Going Concern wrote:
    Unforseen wrote:
    Some scotches are meant to be drank with ice/splash of water

    Splash of water? Might as well be drinking a Minute Maid juice box with an L-shaped straw.


    I drink out of those juice boxes sometimes at my kid's soccer games. Of course, I have them filled with scotch. The other parents just think I really, really like juice boxes.

    adapt or die wrote:
    What would P.T. Barnum say about you?

    MY BLOG

  • blackthorne's picture

    Scotch is meant to be enjoyed neat, with a few drops of water if preferred to help bring out the flavors.

    Notice I did not bitch about people drinking their drinks on the rocks. How you drink your drink is your own business, but scotch is made to be enjoyed with its flavors not watered down. So if you like your scotch on the rocks, it may not be worth it to get an expensive or nuanced scotch, as it will cool the drink down too much and mask the flavor too quickly. A bourbon or whiskey would be better.

  • In reply to blackthorne
    Unforseen's picture

    blackthorne wrote:
    Scotch is meant to be enjoyed neat, with a few drops of water if preferred to help bring out the flavors.

    Notice I did not bitch about people drinking their drinks on the rocks. How you drink your drink is your own business, but scotch is made to be enjoyed with its flavors not watered down. So if you like your scotch on the rocks, it may not be worth it to get an expensive or nuanced scotch, as it will cool the drink down too much and mask the flavor too quickly. A bourbon or whiskey would be better.

    exactly. I would never add water to a Johnnie Walke Blue, but I do ad a cube of ice when drinking Black.

  • aempirei's picture

    Slamming back Jack and Diets when I'm trying to play catchup or build the drunk.

    Laphroaig or Bulleit Bourbon when I'm trying to keep the buzz going.

    Hook myself up to an IV and pop a B12 pill before bed and I tell hangovers to fuck off.

    My name is Nicky, but you can call me Dre.

  • In reply to blackthorne
    Revsly's picture

    blackthorne wrote:
    Scotch is meant to be enjoyed neat, with a few drops of water if preferred to help bring out the flavors.

    Notice I did not bitch about people drinking their drinks on the rocks. How you drink your drink is your own business, but scotch is made to be enjoyed with its flavors not watered down. So if you like your scotch on the rocks, it may not be worth it to get an expensive or nuanced scotch, as it will cool the drink down too much and mask the flavor too quickly. A bourbon or whiskey would be better.

    This guy knows his shit. What's your favourite scotch?

    Jack: They’re all former investment bankers who were laid off from that economic crisis that Nancy Pelosi caused. They have zero real world skills, but God they work hard.
    -30 Rock

  • In reply to aempirei
    Kenny Powers's picture

    aempirei wrote:
    Slamming back Jack and Diets when I'm trying to play catchup or build the drunk.

    Laphroaig or Bulleit Bourbon when I'm trying to keep the buzz going.

    Hook myself up to an IV and pop a B12 pill before bed and I tell hangovers to fuck off.

    the B12 helps?

    My drinkin' problem left today, she packed up all her bags and walked away.

  • In reply to Revsly
    blackthorne's picture

    Revsly wrote:
    blackthorne wrote:
    Scotch is meant to be enjoyed neat, with a few drops of water if preferred to help bring out the flavors.

    Notice I did not bitch about people drinking their drinks on the rocks. How you drink your drink is your own business, but scotch is made to be enjoyed with its flavors not watered down. So if you like your scotch on the rocks, it may not be worth it to get an expensive or nuanced scotch, as it will cool the drink down too much and mask the flavor too quickly. A bourbon or whiskey would be better.

    This guy knows his shit. What's your favourite scotch?

    It really depends on the setting and mood.

    If you're into smokey Islays, check out Ardberg Uigeadail. One of my personal favorites.

    For those looking to get into scotch, some good beginner scotchs are Highland Park 12 or Macallan Sherry Oak. If you want to try something different, Japanese distillery Suntory makes an excellent single malt, Yamazaki 18.

    One of these days I might do a thread on a crash course to spirits, including gin, whiskey, bourbon, etc.. While one doesn't need to be an expert, seniors in the industry do respect those that can appreciate a good drink, especially ones they can't share with their 26 year old trophy wives.

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  • Going Concern's picture

    “A deception that elevates us is dearer than a host of low truths”

  • MissNG's picture

    "Dont compromise yourself; you're all you've got" - Janis Joplin

  • Nakaldun7913's picture
  • In reply to Kenny Powers
    aempirei's picture

    My name is Nicky, but you can call me Dre.