Dating Advice for Junior Pwnstars : The 7 a.m. Phone Call
If you're a junior investment banker, you probably know the importance of regular sex. After all, nothing eases the tension and misery of 100-hour weeks quite like good nookie. Unfortunately, getting sex is not always straightforward. Women are primitively designed and therefore, sadly, do not function like vending machines. You cannot merely throw a few Bennies in front of a girl and take her home. Additionally, the aging process, accelerated by the investment banking career, reduces one's ability to pull casual play. This necessitates romantic partnerships, also known as "relationships". These involve high emotional drama and are very demanding of one's time. A baller has no time for such foolishness but, sadly, no alternative. Thus, I have come to assist the investment banking community by dispensing advice on how to secure a sexual partnership.
I'll concentrate my advice on men who are pursuing women. Everyone knows that gay bankers stop getting promotions as soon as they are "out", and female bankers have no use for my advice, being asexual and frigid.
Most bankers, being neophytes, believe the road to a sexual relationship is paved by dates. This, of course, could not be farther from the truth. In fact, it is during the phone conversations between dates that the sexual tension builds. On a date, a woman is nervous and must keep her knees pointed forward, and her hands above the table. She must relate intellectually to the man, and intellectualism is the antithesis of sexual passion. During a phone conversation, however, she has significantly more liberty in how she may enjoy herself, if you get the rub. Of course, it is important not to overdo these phone conversations, as two or three per day is more than enough. It also goes without saying that you should never call a woman-- answered, machine, or none-- more than six times per day, and even that many can be excessive.
Before the first date, calls should be made during "chore hours", e.g. between 6 and 9 p.m. While these are peak work hours for the banker, they're the most boring and least messy part of the day for most people-- work is over, but no sex occurs, and therefore the woman is most comfortable. These hours are usually filled with things non-bankers (e.g. losers) do to maintain their health and sanitary living conditions: working out, cooking, housework, and many other banal things bankers don't do. After the first date, however, it's important to show one's liking for the girl by calling her early-- around 7 a.m. is best, and no later than 7:30. The reason for this is to communicate to a woman that she is in your thoughts during the first and brightest hours of the day. Ideally, the first 7 a.m. phone call should occur two work days after the first date.
Wake up at 6:00, in order not to be groggy during the fateful phone call. For most people, this requires going to bed relatively early, so I recommend concentrating your dating life in the summer, when there are interns to whom you can pass a night's load of grunt work. Make sure to put your suit on before making the call, as you should treat it with the same sense of seriousness that you would give a phone interview.
During the call, the first thing to ask her is if she just woke up, and if she's lying on the bed, brushing her hair. The purpose of this question is just to offer an ice-breaker. You're not particularly interested in the answer, but you are asking this question in order to increase the woman's comfort level. The second question you should ask her, about eight minutes into the conversation, is whether or not she's barefoot. Now, I know that this seems like an odd and intrusive question, and you probably don't care about the answer to this one either, but it's extremely important, and here's why: women don't take off their shoes except around people with whom they are comfortable, but since it is 7:00 in the morning, she is probably just out of bed and, therefore, barefoot. By asking this question, you draw her attention to the fact of her naked feet, and by transference, she begins to recognize that she is comfortable with you. Score! You are now just about where you need to be, and there's only one step remaining in order to win her attraction: playing hard-to-get.
Thirty seconds after she answers the barefoot question-- affirmatively, we hope-- you should find an excuse to leave suddenly, and end the call. This increases her interest level in you, because you become a challenge. You're hard to get. However, hard-to-get is reasonable during an interaction, but shouldn't be the way you end it. Therefore, it's imperative that you call her back two minutes later and continue the conversation. A couple more minutes of talk is all it takes, and then you're closed. Next, go off to work with a big goofy smile on your face, basking in the knowledge that only 19 hours of menial grunt work stand between you and your next fuck.
Again, a summary of the all-important 7:00 a.m. phone call:
1. Choose a weekday two days after the first date, and wake up at 6:00 a.m.
2. Mentally prepare yourself by wearing your finest interview suit.
3. Ask her if she just got up, and if she's fixing her hair. This is just an icebreaker.
4. Ask her if she's barefoot, in order to remind her that she is comfortable around you.
5. Leave the conversation 30 seconds later, and call her back two minutes after that.
6. Get laid, 19 hours later.
An advanced tactic is, during the two-minute downtime, to set the phone down rather than turn it off, and flush the toilet right at the end of said downtime. However, this technique is for seasoned PUAs only, and should not be attempted by beginners.
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Im flabbergasted
Im flabbergasted
heres a better article for the hipsters out there.
http://www.viceland.com/issues_uk/v3n2/htdocs/poster.php
God I wish I could get back
God I wish I could get back that 30 seconds of my life...I even feel guilty for wasting company time to read such garbage
So...
You:
1. Probably read some trash like "The Game" or some other sad pickup book.
2. You donned your purple/pink shirt, popped the collar, rocked that ratty old JC-Penny suit jacket that sits in the back of your closet now because you were dumb/metro enough to believe you needed to spend half your bonus on your wardrobe
3. Spit some game at some drunk girls in the club, and it didn't work. So you chose the ugliest, saddest, mentally delapidated human being in the bar you could, and said something really sad, that she didn't even hear, but smiled because someone chose to lose a foot of eyesight so that they might land their charitable peepers on some gross chick.
4. You probably didn't even hook up with her.
5. You think you're funny because you came up with "pwnstars". Even then, you probably found it on the D&D forum you check every morning before you're off to your operations job, drawing memories from better days when you could still play games meant for children and find a group of equally horrendous humans that would join you (see: "games club" at Rochester Institute of Technology).
Sorry, buddy. Comedic writing is not for you. Even sadder if this is real. Which perhaps is farfetched, but consider this: a bazillion (accurate) people on LSO think those posts are the REAL musings of a banking analyst on Wall Street.
yeah it really wasnt that
yeah it really wasnt that funny. he even came up with the name "pua_master" as part of this joke.
1. Probably read some trash like "The Game" or some other sad pickup book.
2. You donned your purple/pink shirt, popped the collar, rocked that ratty old JC-Penny suit jacket that sits in the back of your closet now because you were dumb/metro enough to believe you needed to spend half your bonus on your wardrobe
1.The Game is not trash, nor is it a "pickup book." its not meant to teach you anything, its a pretty fascinating read about a society of pick up artists. nobody knew this stuff existed until Neil Strauss wrote this book, and now tons of people are learning to deal with women better thanks to the thriving seduction scene. the OP isnt one of em.
2. now there's nothing wrong with spending a significant amount of dough on clothes, i know plenty of people who drop half their sign-on bonus on new threads for the office. but JCPenny.... -shudder-
Alphaholic: have you tried any of this?
If you haven't tried what I propose, then how do you know it can't be pulled off? In my experience, it does work on incredibly hot women. Most of them have never received a 7:00 am phone call, much less the barefoot question.
I think it's more likely that just you can't pull it off, but that's because you're ugly. My advice is for the archetypal investment banker-- the average-looking, slightly pudgy guy with poor social skills-- because he can be salvaged. Nothing can turn an ugly into a PUA; ya can't polish a turd.
Wow
*cough*
Douchebag
*cough*
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Either you sling crack rock or you got a wicked jump shot
Re: Douchebag
I never said I wasn't. I only said that I'm successful.
We have a term for socially unsuccessful and unpleasant men, and that's "asshole". It denotes the guys who use express their anger by shitting on the world. Our term for socially successful, but annoying and jealousy-inspiring, men is "douchebag". Close to the pussy. I'm a proud douchebag.
Missread
No, you're reading into that wrong. When people call you a douchebag it means that everyone is laughing at you behind your back.
Or in this case, right to your face.
No one envies the guy that thinks he's a cool and just doesn't get it.
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Either you sling crack rock or you got a wicked jump shot
No, not at all
My regard for myself and my skills is based solely in results. I don't care what you think of me or my game, because the fact is that my game works. While you may not like it, hundreds of PUAs in training are going to read my post, apply my techniques, and enjoy success that you could never dream of.
show us some results then
show us some results then big boi! Where are all the graphs and pie-charts!?
pua master why are you
pua master, i cant believe youre defending yourself as if it was a serious post. your post was clearly a joke, judging by the last paragraph alone. i started writing a long repsonse to you explaining why your theory would not effectively attract women, but then i reread the last paragraph and realized again that its just a big joke that really isnt funny and a waste of all our times.
granted, we waste a lot of time on this board, but usually theres some entertainment involved in it. this is just lame.
Everyone-- you are all sadly
Everyone-- you are all sadly mistaken, this d-bag believes this and made this post seriously
PUA-- I would pay a considerable amount of money to slap you in the face with a dead fish...
I feel like I'm somehow less of a person by even humoring the merits of your post but...
If she's in bed, of course shes barefoot, asshole. If you want to subconsciously make her feel comfortable, don't fuckin call her at 7 in the morning and ask her creepy questions.
Marcus Halberstram is
Marcus Halberstram is correct. Damn right I'm serious about my game, and if you want to slap me with a dead fish, go ahead. What kind of "considerable amount of money" are we talking about? I'd like to be able to work something out, since it seems like we could easily come to a mutually beneficial arrangement.
I understand that my success, and the methods through which I procure it, make a lot of guys hate me. I've been in fistfights before. I don't like them, and I avoid them whenever I can, but they occur.
Don't be a hater. I'm giving y'all this advice so you can enjoy the same success I have had. I can't wait for the day when 100 posts come to me from young analysts saying, "I've already closed on my first girlfriend, and I owe it all to you and what I've learned from you. Thanks, PUA Master!"
Slow Clap
Clap
Clap
Clap.
This whole thread has made my night. Now can a moderator please shut it down.
Just finished a 7 a.m. phone call!
Whew, that was hot. In 11 hours, I'm going to be in heaven! Yes, I said 11. I'm not a banker, so I get to leave work around 6:00. Haha, suckers!
LOL why is everyone taking
LOL why is everyone taking this so seriously?
Let him do his thing, chances are it doesnt work but theres always the odd chance it does
The post wasnt all that funny but I thought it was pretty well written so take it for what you will
nice
Whew, that was hot. In 11 hours, I'm going to be in heaven! Yes, I said 11. I'm not a banker, so I get to leave work around 6:00. Haha, suckers!
Oh man. Go get 'em Tiger!
You should throw a curveball at her and insist that she keep her socks on while you do it. That way you keep her guessing on whether you like bare feet or not.
Mr. Green: that is an
Mr. Green: that is an awesome idea. Thank you.
I don't care about feet either way. They're non-sexual, but if they're not gross, I don't have a problem with them.
It's generally good business to get a girl's shoes off if she's at your place, assuming you have clean carpet and won't get her feet dirty. This is because a girl takes her shoes off only around people she's comfortable with. (The beach is an obvious exception, but indoors what I say is true.) However, once she's comfortable, making her wear socks might be a devious way of keeping her on her toes, no pun intended.
I think I'm going to use your suggestion. Thank you so much for it, and for your contribution to this wonderful dialogue. To the other posters: this is what I'm talking about!
I thought this was
I thought this was hilarious, and the fact that he was serious makes it even funnier. However, the last paragraph was not funny at all, even if you were trying to be.
i'm jealous of your free time
I'm shocked that anyone would spend so much time writing this.
I read the beginning and was
I read the beginning and was shocked by the length as I scrolled through the rest, where I glanced briefly at a numbered list containing such premeditated creepiness as "4. Ask her if she's barefoot, in order to remind her that she is comfortable around you."