We're digging through resumes for summer analysts again. Thought everyone might enjoy or benefit from a few of the real gems (all emphasis mine):
"Objective: To obtain an internship in the field of financial services to utilize my VAST analytical and quantitative skills."
The kid's a sophomore with a 3.43 GPA; how vast can he be? This reminds me of an ex-boyfriend of mine who described himself in public once as "massively endowed" when he actually had around six and a half inches. Nothing to laugh at, of course, but nothing you want to stand up and shout about either.
"I have been trading in various markets since my senior year in high school to seek a maximum return.... my returns for the past three consecutive years are 12%, 23%, and 28%."
Great way to show me that you approach financial markets like a hotshot stockbroker, taking on as much risk as possible in up years with no capacity to control for sigma. I would probably cringe to see the beta of your portfolio. When blood runs in the streets up here, that blood belongs to folks like you. (By the way, we're bankers. If you can't tell, we are not impressed by portfolio managers.)
One guy extended his resume from one to two pages... and the only thing on the second page was a summer job as a retail clerk at Hollister & Co. Clothing. Clearly he thinks it's a big enough part of his total package to justify a whole second page. Heh. Folks, when I read a resume I want to picture someone who can impress me and my clients, not the pimply kid who goes into the back to find me another pair of jeans. Sure, most of us have worked retail at some time or another, but it's not something you put on your resume unless you're applying for more retail. You are selling what you are telling, and if you tell me you work in retail, you are trying to sell me a retail clerk, which I don't want or need.
"Experience: Cheeburger Cheeburger, Princeton Jct. NJ. Assistant manager, server, bartender, summer 2006-present. Served food to more than four tables at a time, handled take out orders, phone orders, and managed ice cream bar."
Great. I'm sure that ice cream bar experience was very challenging. Now get me a scoop of vanilla, fudge, extra nuts.
"I have maintained a 3.39 GPA while actively participating in a fraternity and several competitive intramural sports."
Great. Maybe you should have partied less, stayed off the courts, and studied more. I would have been far more impressed had you said, "I got kicked out of my fraternity but maintained my 3.95 GPA." If it's 3 AM and I find a critical mistake in your comp sheet when I have a 9 AM deliverable, your fraternity will not save you from my wrath, my friend. Frat experience is no excuse for a 3.39.