Five Thoughts on Wall Street Bathroom Breaks
When you work 80-hour weeks regularly and the staples of your diet are $25 Seamlessweb pasta dishes and burger combos, inevitably, nature is going to call – on your office line. For the majority of analysts on Wall Street, working at an investment bank is your first time in a professional office environment.
To the uninitiated, the bathrooms at investment banks might be imagined as marble palaces, freshly stocked with the finest supplies for bankers’ quiet time atop gold-plated commodes. To those in the know – well, you know it’s not so. Five observations regarding your favorite place to catch up on Words with Friends while at the office:
In most parts of the civilized world, we are taught at a young age to 1) not have sex with your relatives, and 2) not use the middle urinal if the side urinals are available. However, there are some who choose to brashly ignore this hallowed rule and will post up in urinal #2 of a three-rack, effectively rendering the entire row unusable to those of us with any sort of moral compass. Chances are, you’ve run into Middle Urinal Guy before, and have had no choice but to head for the stalls. At which point, you have to face…
2. The Presence of Unexpected Presents
Human beings’ capacity for destruction never ceases to amaze me. This is true for the toilets as well. With a floor full of overworked, overfed folks running on 9 cups of Starbucks a day, a little acute IBS is understandable. But all too often, you open a stall door, ready for some quiet iPhone time, and you’re greeted with a grisly scene. Like a puked-in sink at a frat party… except it isn’t puke.
3. Mister Chatty
Middle Urinal Guy is doing his thing and the stalls are full of either depressed 1st year analysts taking catnaps or MDs banging out emails on Blackberry. You sidle up next to a fellow banker at the urinal rack, you give the customary grunt-slash-nod, unzip, and do what any normal human being does – stare at the wall. At least 90% of people understand and follow the code – even clueless Middle Urinal Guy. However, there is a subset of the population that was taught neither to avoid the middle urinal nor to stare at the wall as if it were the latest Swimsuit Issue. Mister Chatty turns his head, and decides now is the time to strike up a conversation.
So! How is everything going with you lately? What are you working on?
Awkward. Why would you do this?? We’re here with our dongs out, peeing an unhealthy shade of coffee-stained yellow, and you want to talk shop? Good god.
You force a wry grin and mumble some incoherent response, trying to hurry up and get out of there to end this godforsaken conversation. Which leads to…
4. The Splashback
You’re in a damn hurry and you’re not focused on aim (because someone, for some insane reason, is unnecessarily trying to make smalltalk) – and you hit the wrong part of the concave porcelain. Ruh roh. Your fresh-pressed grey slacks are now polka dotted on the thighs. You’ve just been victimized by the splashback. Aside from the fact that for the next 10 hours or so, you’ll have to walk around knowing you basically pissed yourself and didn’t change clothes, you now have to deal with the possibility of everyone else knowing it too. The only possible solution is to dab down a bit with paper towels, and either 1) cover up with a well-placed folder in hand, or 2) go for broke and make it look like a sink splash issue. Zip up and hit the sinks.
5. Look Ma, No Hands
The sinks. Nobody ever bothers to Zamboni, so there is water all over the counter. Paper towels litter the floor. Despite the fact that it (like the rest of the bathroom) looks like it belongs behind a gas station, the sinks are probably the most civilized part of the whole bathroom. This is the one place where it’s acceptable to have a quick chat, where you can tie up your tie after showing up at 11 am, where you come to clean your hands. Or so one would think.
In the age of free running water and abundant antibacterial handsoap, you would think everyone takes five seconds to wash their hands of the billions of germs collected from filthy keyboards, door handles, and, oh yeah – peeing and/or pooping. But no – there’s always someone to shatter the peace, someone who zips up and zooms out of the bathroom, brusquely waving hello before quickly exiting, with nary a drop of water or soap to cleanse the hands. Yuck. Think about that the next time you enter a crowded post-lunch meeting and begin gladhanding everyone.
In my experience, when it comes to using the bathroom, investment bankers truly are monkeys. Have you seen any of the above bizarre bathroom habits during your time on Wall Street? Are you reading this from the john right now?
Aaron Burr is a retired investment banking analyst and currently works as an associate at a private equity fund. He practices good bathroom etiquette – let him know if you do as well in comments section or at [email protected]










Comments
So fucking accurate.
So fucking accurate.
One time heard my MD talking
One time heard my MD talking on a conference call while he was taking a shit. That was awkward.
Aaron Burr: 4. The
4. The Splashback
hate that.. love it when bars/restaurants put ice in the urinal for a soft landing. more places should do this
WSO's COO (Chief Operating Orangutan) | My story | Connect with me on Linkedin.
2013 WSO Conference
Love this post... perfect
Love this post... perfect explanation of bathroom life. I, however, fall under the camp that rarely, if ever, washes their hands after a routine #1. I take pride in my belief that my manhood is the cleanest part of my body, and after doing my thing at the urinal, if I was going to wash anything it would probably be my junk, given how dirty my hands usually are! Of course, a scrub-down is mandatory after a tough battle in the stalls, and I always wash my hands if other people are in the bathroom for fear of being seen as disgusting, but if it's just me in the bathroom and I'm taking a piss, I'll walk right past the sink without a care in the world.
P.S. I'd love a follow up detailing the awkward encounters with your PM in the bathroom.
I hate victims who respect their executioners
Follow BH & Co. on Twitter: @DumbLuckCapital
twitter.com/DumbLuckCapital
middle urinal guy is so
middle urinal guy is so fucking annoying. I'm about 100% sure that they do it on purpose too.
HarvardOrBust: One time heard
One time heard my MD talking on a conference call while he was taking a shit. That was awkward.
ha i bet that happens more than we'd like to know
WSO's COO (Chief Operating Orangutan) | My story | Connect with me on Linkedin.
2013 WSO Conference
Best post I've read in a long
Best post I've read in a long time, 100% accurate. The "sink splash issue" had me laughing my head off.
See my other WSO blog posts>
Splash back dominates me at
Splash back dominates me at least once a day when I wear grey, ridiculous. You forgot about the piss next to you guy. You correctly go to your proper corner stall and someone else comes in and parks it right in the middle with the other stall wide open. I'll never understand why this happens.
The answer to your question is 1) network 2) get involved 3) beef up your resume 4) repeat -happypantsmcgee
WSO is not your personal search function.
Taking a shit while on my
Taking a shit while on my iphone in a spotless and person-less bathroom is probably my most favorite thing to do at work.
Need to Land a Job? Click Here.
AndyLouis: HarvardOrBust: O
One time heard my MD talking on a conference call while he was taking a shit. That was awkward.
ha i bet that happens more than we'd like to know
Andy, remember that call from last week? I have a confession to make...
WSO Conference 2013
Private Certified User Chat
#3 is by far the worst.
#3 is by far the worst. There was an MD this summer that would only talk to me when we were at the urinal together.
I drink like 5 cups of tea (
I drink like 5 cups of tea ( I didn't say coffee) a day, and whenever I go even a little overboard on lunch, I head straight to the bathroom to crap it all out.
WallStreetOasis.com: AndyLo
One time heard my MD talking on a conference call while he was taking a shit. That was awkward.
ha i bet that happens more than we'd like to know
Andy, remember that call from last week? I have a confession to make...
Touché, i'm posting this comment from the throne at starbucks
WSO's COO (Chief Operating Orangutan) | My story | Connect with me on Linkedin.
2013 WSO Conference
really solid post, and not
really solid post, and not just sayin that to be polite
Nobody ever bothers to Zamboni
i'll be honest, i didnt know what that meant, so naturally i urban dictionary'ed it...naaaassssty...tho given the fraternity-like culture that is customary of the IBD, im a lil surprised that is not enforced
And I think it's gonna be a long, long, time
I saw a new one today, guy
I saw a new one today, guy just chilling, taking a dump in the stall with the door half open. Totally oblivious.
In before Bankerella.
Gun Control Discussion
and in case this post
WSO's COO (Chief Operating Orangutan) | My story | Connect with me on Linkedin.
2013 WSO Conference
Brouhaha: I saw a new one
I find the two dudes taking
I am so careful with gray
First of all, I LOVE THIS
No contract means I have all the power. They want me, but they can't have me. - Don Draper
AndyLouis: and in case this
As a summer intern in
The respectfulness of others
I work here...sup
WSO Company Database | WSO Job Board
[email protected]
Beretta: But I've always
WSO's COO (Chief Operating Orangutan) | My story | Connect with me on Linkedin.
2013 WSO Conference
Going Concern: really solid
Corporate bathrooms have me
you guys missed the worst
BlackHat: Love this post...
I'm often inclined to wash my
Koho: Going Concern: really
Bondarb: you guys missed the
Cookies With Milken: Even if
And I think it's gonna be a long, long, time
would like to hear
1) That super dense turd that
GBS
I was taking a piss...and the
Made me laugh. Thank you
Just saying...
I hate (love) when I'm on the
anyone who needs to wash up
my current bathroom only has
(No subject)
And I think it's gonna be a long, long, time
the detail in this post is
Ron Paul: I hate (love) when
Has no one in here figured
A lot of people do certain things to add days to their life. I do things to add life to my days.
APAE: Has no one in here
This thread has reached
I go to disabled toilets for
If I'm in the bathroom by
I hate victims who respect their executioners
Follow BH & Co. on Twitter: @DumbLuckCapital
twitter.com/DumbLuckCapital
when i was interning it
do you guys really poop at