11/27/14

Mod Note (Andy): Throw Back Thursday, Originally posted on August, 2012

When you work 80-hour weeks regularly and the staples of your diet are $25 Seamlessweb pasta dishes and burger combos, inevitably, nature is going to call - on your office line. For the majority of analysts on Wall Street, working at an investment bank is your first time in a professional office environment.

To the uninitiated, the bathrooms at investment banks might be imagined as marble palaces, freshly stocked with the finest supplies for bankers' quiet time atop gold-plated commodes. To those in the know - well, you know it's not so. Five observations regarding your favorite place to catch up on Words with Friends while at the office:


1. Middle Urinal Guy

In most parts of the civilized world, we are taught at a young age to 1) not have sex with your relatives, and 2) not use the middle urinal if the side urinals are available. However, there are some who choose to brashly ignore this hallowed rule and will post up in urinal #2 of a three-rack, effectively rendering the entire row unusable to those of us with any sort of moral compass. Chances are, you've run into Middle Urinal Guy before, and have had no choice but to head for the stalls. At which point, you have to face...


2. The Presence of Unexpected Presents

Human beings' capacity for destruction never ceases to amaze me. This is true for the toilets as well. With a floor full of overworked, overfed folks running on 9 cups of Starbucks a day, a little acute IBS is understandable. But all too often, you open a stall door, ready for some quiet iPhone time, and you're greeted with a grisly scene. Like a puked-in sink at a frat party... except it isn't puke.


3. Mister Chatty

Middle Urinal Guy is doing his thing and the stalls are full of either depressed 1st year analysts taking catnaps or MDs banging out emails on Blackberry. You sidle up next to a fellow banker at the urinal rack, you give the customary grunt-slash-nod, unzip, and do what any normal human being does - stare at the wall. At least 90% of people understand and follow the code - even clueless Middle Urinal Guy. However, there is a subset of the population that was taught neither to avoid the middle urinal nor to stare at the wall as if it were the latest Swimsuit Issue. Mister Chatty turns his head, and decides now is the time to strike up a conversation.

So! How is everything going with you lately? What are you working on?

Awkward. Why would you do this?? We're here with our dongs out, peeing an unhealthy shade of coffee-stained yellow, and you want to talk shop? Good god.

You force a wry grin and mumble some incoherent response, trying to hurry up and get out of there to end this godforsaken conversation. Which leads to...


4. The Splashback

You're in a damn hurry and you're not focused on aim (because someone, for some insane reason, is unnecessarily trying to make smalltalk) - and you hit the wrong part of the concave porcelain. Ruh roh. Your fresh-pressed grey slacks are now polka dotted on the thighs. You've just been victimized by the splashback. Aside from the fact that for the next 10 hours or so, you'll have to walk around knowing you basically pissed yourself and didn't change clothes, you now have to deal with the possibility of everyone else knowing it too. The only possible solution is to dab down a bit with paper towels, and either 1) cover up with a well-placed folder in hand, or 2) go for broke and make it look like a sink splash issue. Zip up and hit the sinks.


5. Look Ma, No Hands

The sinks. Nobody ever bothers to Zamboni, so there is water all over the counter. Paper towels litter the floor. Despite the fact that it (like the rest of the bathroom) looks like it belongs behind a gas station, the sinks are probably the most civilized part of the whole bathroom. This is the one place where it's acceptable to have a quick chat, where you can tie up your tie after showing up at 11 am, where you come to clean your hands. Or so one would think.

In the age of free running water and abundant antibacterial handsoap, you would think everyone takes five seconds to wash their hands of the billions of germs collected from filthy keyboards, door handles, and, oh yeah - peeing and/or pooping. But no - there's always someone to shatter the peace, someone who zips up and zooms out of the bathroom, brusquely waving hello before quickly exiting, with nary a drop of water or soap to cleanse the hands. Yuck. Think about that the next time you enter a crowded post-lunch meeting and begin gladhanding everyone.



In my experience, when it comes to using the bathroom, investment bankers truly are monkeys. Have you seen any of the above bizarre bathroom habits during your time on Wall Street? Are you reading this from the john right now?


Aaron Burr is a retired investment banking analyst and currently works as an associate at a private equity fund. He practices good bathroom etiquette - let him know if you do as well in comments section or at [email protected]

Comments (126)

8/15/12

So fucking accurate.

Best Response
8/15/12

One time heard my MD talking on a conference call while he was taking a shit. That was awkward.

8/15/12
HarvardOrBust:

One time heard my MD talking on a conference call while he was taking a shit. That was awkward.

ha i bet that happens more than we'd like to know

WSO's COO (Chief Operating Orangutan) | My story | My Linkedin

PM me if you're traveling to Buenos Aires in 2016 (I live here) :-)

8/15/12
AndyLouis:
HarvardOrBust:

One time heard my MD talking on a conference call while he was taking a shit. That was awkward.

ha i bet that happens more than we'd like to know

Andy, remember that call from last week? I have a confession to make...

8/15/12
WallStreetOasis.com:
AndyLouis:
HarvardOrBust:

One time heard my MD talking on a conference call while he was taking a shit. That was awkward.

ha i bet that happens more than we'd like to know

Andy, remember that call from last week? I have a confession to make...

Touche, i'm posting this comment from the throne at starbucks

WSO's COO (Chief Operating Orangutan) | My story | My Linkedin

PM me if you're traveling to Buenos Aires in 2016 (I live here) :-)

8/14/14

HarvardOrBust:

One time heard my MD talking on a conference call while he was taking a shit. That was awkward.

One of our Managing Partners comes into the bathroom all the time on the phone while he takes a shit, pretty funny. Also never washes his hands....

One guy was playing music loudly while taking a shit and I in the other stall asked him if he was taking requests, so I asked him to play some lil John. He gladly obliged.

Also, the most face time I've gotten with the CEO and also the president is when I'm peeing in a urinal, every time they come up next to me and start talking shop when I start to pee I don't quite understand but I'm not piss shy so it doesn't really bother me, its just kind of weird.

Seriously though, please wash your hands. When people get sick at the office they tend to come in anyways, and its not like I'm going to take some time off if I get sick, being so I try to avoid it.

12/4/14

pics or it didn't happen

8/15/12
Aaron Burr:

4. The Splashback

hate that.. love it when bars/restaurants put ice in the urinal for a soft landing. more places should do this

WSO's COO (Chief Operating Orangutan) | My story | My Linkedin

PM me if you're traveling to Buenos Aires in 2016 (I live here) :-)

8/20/14

It's a common practice in Vietnam. But then, hey, there isn't running water. It just turns into a challenge of how much ice you can melt.

8/15/12

Love this post... perfect explanation of bathroom life. I, however, fall under the camp that rarely, if ever, washes their hands after a routine #1. I take pride in my belief that my manhood is the cleanest part of my body, and after doing my thing at the urinal, if I was going to wash anything it would probably be my junk, given how dirty my hands usually are! Of course, a scrub-down is mandatory after a tough battle in the stalls, and I always wash my hands if other people are in the bathroom for fear of being seen as disgusting, but if it's just me in the bathroom and I'm taking a piss, I'll walk right past the sink without a care in the world.

P.S. I'd love a follow up detailing the awkward encounters with your PM in the bathroom.

I hate victims who respect their executioners

8/15/12
BlackHat:

Love this post... perfect explanation of bathroom life. I, however, fall under the camp that rarely, if ever, washes their hands after a routine #1. I take pride in my belief that my manhood is the cleanest part of my body, and after doing my thing at the urinal, if I was going to wash anything it would probably be my junk, given how dirty my hands usually are! Of course, a scrub-down is mandatory after a tough battle in the stalls, and I always wash my hands if other people are in the bathroom for fear of being seen as disgusting, but if it's just me in the bathroom and I'm taking a piss, I'll walk right past the sink without a care in the world.

P.S. I'd love a follow up detailing the awkward encounters with your PM in the bathroom.

Same. I'm so used to it at home though that I totally forget to wash even if people are around; my woman always ends up yelling at me.

"If it's so dirty, then why do you suck on it?"

EDIT: Worst thing about public restrooms - when you HAVE to touch the door handle to leave.

11/6/14

I completely agree, i don't see the reason why people get grossed out over not washing your hands after taking a piss, if you have to then your package is obviously dirty, which is just disgusting. If my junk is clean then why should my hands be any different? Just my opinion.

VPA

8/15/12

middle urinal guy is so fucking annoying. I'm about 100% sure that they do it on purpose too.

8/20/14

General Disarray:

middle urinal guy is so fucking annoying. I'm about 100% sure that they do it on purpose too.

Absolutely, it's a major power move. You get to watch some person subordinate themselves by choosing which side is less offensive and furthest from the offender. The best are the guys that pansy out and just go to the stall...probably cases of small penises.

8/15/12

Best post I've read in a long time, 100% accurate. The "sink splash issue" had me laughing my head off.

8/15/12

Splash back dominates me at least once a day when I wear grey, ridiculous. You forgot about the piss next to you guy. You correctly go to your proper corner stall and someone else comes in and parks it right in the middle with the other stall wide open. I'll never understand why this happens.

The answer to your question is 1) network 2) get involved 3) beef up your resume 4) repeat -happypantsmcgee

WSO is not your personal search function.

8/15/12

Taking a shit while on my iphone in a spotless and person-less bathroom is probably my most favorite thing to do at work.

8/15/12

#3 is by far the worst. There was an MD this summer that would only talk to me when we were at the urinal together.

8/15/12

I drink like 5 cups of tea ( I didn't say coffee) a day, and whenever I go even a little overboard on lunch, I head straight to the bathroom to crap it all out.

8/15/12

really solid post, and not just sayin that to be polite

Aaron Burr:

Nobody ever bothers to Zamboni

i'll be honest, i didnt know what that meant, so naturally i urban dictionary'ed it...naaaassssty...tho given the fraternity-like culture that is customary of the IBD, im a lil surprised that is not enforced

Sometimes I go about in pity for myself, and all the while a great wind carries me across the sky
8/15/12
Going Concern:

really solid post, and not just sayin that to be polite

Aaron Burr:

Nobody ever bothers to Zamboni

i'll be honest, i didnt know what that meant, so naturally i urban dictionary'ed it...naaaassssty...tho given the fraternity-like culture that is customary of the IBD, im a lil surprised that is not enforced

I think the OP meant just to clean it (the regular way), not lick it up.. I could be wrong though..

8/15/12
Koho:
Going Concern:

really solid post, and not just sayin that to be polite

Aaron Burr:

Nobody ever bothers to Zamboni

i'll be honest, i didnt know what that meant, so naturally i urban dictionary'ed it...naaaassssty...tho given the fraternity-like culture that is customary of the IBD, im a lil surprised that is not enforced

I think the OP meant just to clean it (the regular way), not lick it up.. I could be wrong though..

Pretty sure he's referring to the Zamboni machines used in hockey that drive over the ice and clean/resurfaces the ice. If he's licking up the water around the sink then making sure his and other's hands are clean should be the least of his worries lol.

8/15/12

I saw a new one today, guy just chilling, taking a dump in the stall with the door half open. Totally oblivious.

8/15/12
Brouhaha:

I saw a new one today, guy just chilling, taking a dump in the stall with the door half open. Totally oblivious.

or was he just TFTC?

8/16/12
Ron Paul:
Brouhaha:

I saw a new one today, guy just chilling, taking a dump in the stall with the door half open. Totally oblivious.

or was he just TFTC?

TFM brah, TFM.

-RR

11/12/14

TPostGradFM

8/15/12

In before Bankerella.

8/15/12

and in case this post (http://www.wallstreetoasis.com/blog/so-you-want-to...) had you thinking about working in china..

and I heard people defend this style saying "it's more sanitary" and my rebuttal was "well not if it gets on your shoes!!!"

WSO's COO (Chief Operating Orangutan) | My story | My Linkedin

PM me if you're traveling to Buenos Aires in 2016 (I live here) :-)

8/15/12
AndyLouis:

and in case this post (http://www.wallstreetoasis.com/blog/so-you-want-to...) had you thinking about working in china..

and I heard people defend this style saying "it's more sanitary" and my rebuttal was "well not if it gets on your shoes!!!"

lol I've seen those in other countries as well. They are called squat toilets and are a lot easier to clean, apparently.

But I've always wondered how much it would suck if you lose your balance and fall in...

8/15/12
Beretta:

But I've always wondered how much it would suck if you lose your balance and fall in...

i lived in china for almost a year and had to use these more than i'd like to remember, though I did have a pretty solid method which worked pretty well. zero falls, increased quad strength and balance, and a major appreciation for the work of Thomas Crapper (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thomas_Crapper)

WSO's COO (Chief Operating Orangutan) | My story | My Linkedin

PM me if you're traveling to Buenos Aires in 2016 (I live here) :-)

8/18/12
AndyLouis:
Beretta:

But I've always wondered how much it would suck if you lose your balance and fall in...

i lived in china for almost a year and had to use these more than i'd like to remember, though I did have a pretty solid method which worked pretty well. zero falls, increased quad strength and balance, and a major appreciation for the work of Thomas Crapper (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thomas_Crapper)

A few days in to my first time living in China, I was at Carrefour when nature called. Since that experience I now practice "strategic dumping" before I leave the home or office, and I've never had to use a squatter since.

8/20/12
olafenizer:
AndyLouis:
Beretta:

But I've always wondered how much it would suck if you lose your balance and fall in...

i lived in china for almost a year and had to use these more than i'd like to remember, though I did have a pretty solid method which worked pretty well. zero falls, increased quad strength and balance, and a major appreciation for the work of Thomas Crapper (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thomas_Crapper)

A few days in to my first time living in China, I was at Carrefour when nature called. Since that experience I now practice "strategic dumping" before I leave the home or office, and I've never had to use a squatter since.

yep "strategic dumping" worked well.. though after a lunch of hotpot you can't always be so lucky to time things. worst place I ever found myself was the bathroom at a bus station in Jiaxing (near Hangzhou) - literally a trough lining the wall of the bathroom, guys squatting next to eachother, some even talking on their cellphones or reading the newspaper!!

WSO's COO (Chief Operating Orangutan) | My story | My Linkedin

PM me if you're traveling to Buenos Aires in 2016 (I live here) :-)

8/16/12
AndyLouis:

and in case this post (http://www.wallstreetoasis.com/blog/so-you-want-to...) had you thinking about working in china..

and I heard people defend this style saying "it's more sanitary" and my rebuttal was "well not if it gets on your shoes!!!"

Reminded me of this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pTyxo5j4Hug

"I thought this is where they made the iPod" - Karl Pilkington

8/15/14

Squatters are the absolute worst. And of course you only have to use them when in a bowel emergency. I still haven't figured out how to use these things without taking off my pants.

8/15/12

I find the two dudes taking shits in their designated stalls having a nice friendly convo the funniest. "Yo, wide stance right?" , "hell ya", "atta boy"

8/15/12

I am so careful with gray pants. I make sure to even bend forward and stand back with extra exagerration when washing hands so that the sink splashback doesent get on them. Because even with sink drops, people will think that you have urinated on yourself, especially chicks who do not understand the functional dynamics of the urinal.

8/17/12

If you splash yourself at urinal or sink, wash your hands and then fleck a few extra drops in a non-groin area so it looks like you spilled a drink on yourself or some other type of accident. It's still embarassing but no one thinks you're retarded/gross.

Get busy living

8/15/12

First of all, I LOVE THIS ARTICLE! So funny, yet true!!!
I hate it when when you're going for a shit, but there's a little "surprise" waiting. YUCKKKKKKK!!!

And yes, some of the guys just wash their hands for like 2 secs and walk out, others don't even bother. I of course, DO WASH MY HANDS.

No contract means I have all the power. They want me, but they can't have me. - Don Draper

8/15/12

As a summer intern in trading...some guy sounded like he was vomiting was he was taking a shit. The moments that make me lol are when I'm washing my hands and some guy rushes into the stall and just lets it rip!!!

8/15/12

The respectfulness of others when you're puking in the urinal or stall next to them is fantastic. Those waterless urinals at BAML are awful.

@JustinDDuBois
WSO Company Database | Job Board

8/15/12

Corporate bathrooms have me terrified of old age. Pissing next to an older guy about to retire and he starts the stream, stops, start stop start stop. Grunting and shit. I always make a point to push my piss stream as hard and fast as possible so as to remind the old fuck, who more likely than not gave me shit for something I did at one point or another, that he may run the office but at least I can run my own dick.

Cheers!

8/15/12

you guys missed the worst bathroom situation possible...maybe its because you dont drink enuff. The worst thing is if you have been out all night boozing and you have to puke, but you dont want to go into the regular bathroom because you could run into your boss or other people you know. Let's face it nobody wants their boss to see them on all fours heaving at work. My move is usually to go down to another floor, particularly one where the people dont get in until 9am or later (since this is usually an early morning problem)..however I once puked in a recycling bin in the stairwell because I couldnt quite make it. Anyway the sheer panic of realizing you are about to boot and are a long way from anyplace it is safe is way worse then splashback or the middle stall guy.

8/15/12
Bondarb:

you guys missed the worst bathroom situation possible...maybe its because you dont drink enuff. The worst thing is if you have been out all night boozing and you have to puke, but you dont want to go into the regular bathroom because you could run into your boss or other people you know. Let's face it nobody wants their boss to see them on all fours heaving at work. My move is usually to go down to another floor, particularly one where the people dont get in until 9am or later (since this is usually an early morning problem)..however I once puked in a recycling bin in the stairwell because I couldnt quite make it. Anyway the sheer panic of realizing you are about to boot and are a long way from anyplace it is safe is way worse then splashback or the middle stall guy.

+1 sb

Also, the whole idea of washing your hands in a corporate bathroom is more of a respect thing than anything else. It has no practical value; it is more of an exercise in futility.

If you do not have an automatic bathroom your exercise looks something like this:

You take a leak, hold your guy with your dirty hands, manually flush by pulling a lever that other guys pulled after pulling on their junk, go to the sink and turn on the faucet touching everyone's junk germs, press on the soap dispenser lever to get dick soap to wash the dick off your hands and then hit the same fucking faucet that you just touched with your dick hands to turn the water off as you proceed to use your hands to open the bathroom door to leave. Not everyone washes their hands to begin with so you are at least coming into contact with (depending on the size of your floor that the bathroom is on) +8 bonus dicks when you touch the door to leave.

Even if you have automatic flushing, automatic soap sensor, faucet sensor, dryer / paper towel sensor you're still screwed because of that goddamn bathroom door. You can't kick it open either because you might fuck someone up who's trying to enter.

But the thing that really grinds my gears are guys who let their dick trickle hit the floor. As the day progresses it begins to pool and you have to stand farther and farther away from the urinal so as to not lace your ferragamos with piss. You have to be a fucking seal team six sniper if you want to reach the stall if you're taking a piss at night before you leave the office.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UrgpZ0fUixs

8/15/12
Cookies With Milken:

Even if you have automatic flushing, automatic soap sensor, faucet sensor, dryer / paper towel sensor you're still screwed because of that goddamn bathroom door. You can't kick it open either because you might fuck someone up who's trying to enter.

see what you gotta do is after you've done your routine, wait a min or two for someone else to enter, and in that split second when the door swings open and you have a clear view of the exit, you sidestep the monkey strollin in and dash out...DOORKNOB AVERTED

...otherwise you can just sop up some hand sanitizer when you're on 'the outside'

Sometimes I go about in pity for myself, and all the while a great wind carries me across the sky
8/16/12
Going Concern:
Cookies With Milken:

Even if you have automatic flushing, automatic soap sensor, faucet sensor, dryer / paper towel sensor you're still screwed because of that goddamn bathroom door. You can't kick it open either because you might fuck someone up who's trying to enter.

see what you gotta do is after you've done your routine, wait a min or two for someone else to enter, and in that split second when the door swings open and you have a clear view of the exit, you sidestep the monkey strollin in and dash out...DOORKNOB AVERTED

...otherwise you can just sop up some hand sanitizer when you're on 'the outside'

There's a fix to this (I'm a germophobe):

Grab a paper towel or even toilet papaer, fold itso it fits your hand like a bill, grab handle with paper towel, and immediately after letting go of the handle, put your hand in your pocket. dispose of paper towel in desk trash can.

8/16/12
Unforseen:
Going Concern:
Cookies With Milken:

Even if you have automatic flushing, automatic soap sensor, faucet sensor, dryer / paper towel sensor you're still screwed because of that goddamn bathroom door. You can't kick it open either because you might fuck someone up who's trying to enter.

see what you gotta do is after you've done your routine, wait a min or two for someone else to enter, and in that split second when the door swings open and you have a clear view of the exit, you sidestep the monkey strollin in and dash out...DOORKNOB AVERTED

...otherwise you can just sop up some hand sanitizer when you're on 'the outside'

There's a fix to this (I'm a germophobe):

Grab a paper towel or even toilet papaer, fold itso it fits your hand like a bill, grab handle with paper towel, and immediately after letting go of the handle, put your hand in your pocket. dispose of paper towel in desk trash can.

that could work, certainly- but then it starts to make it too much of a production and ruins all the fun of usin the john. also you risk losing the grip between your palm and the folded paper and unintentionally makin contact with the knob

easier also is to just open the knob with the outside of your sleeve...only downside is that a fellow bystander might think you're handicapped

Sometimes I go about in pity for myself, and all the while a great wind carries me across the sky
8/16/12

the detail in this post is fantastic

8/19/12
Cookies With Milken:
Bondarb:

you guys missed the worst bathroom situation possible...maybe its because you dont drink enuff. The worst thing is if you have been out all night boozing and you have to puke, but you dont want to go into the regular bathroom because you could run into your boss or other people you know. Let's face it nobody wants their boss to see them on all fours heaving at work. My move is usually to go down to another floor, particularly one where the people dont get in until 9am or later (since this is usually an early morning problem)..however I once puked in a recycling bin in the stairwell because I couldnt quite make it. Anyway the sheer panic of realizing you are about to boot and are a long way from anyplace it is safe is way worse then splashback or the middle stall guy.

+1 sb

Also, the whole idea of washing your hands in a corporate bathroom is more of a respect thing than anything else. It has no practical value; it is more of an exercise in futility.

If you do not have an automatic bathroom your exercise looks something like this:

You take a leak, hold your guy with your dirty hands, manually flush by pulling a lever that other guys pulled after pulling on their junk, go to the sink and turn on the faucet touching everyone's junk germs, press on the soap dispenser lever to get dick soap to wash the dick off your hands and then hit the same fucking faucet that you just touched with your dick hands to turn the water off as you proceed to use your hands to open the bathroom door to leave. Not everyone washes their hands to begin with so you are at least coming into contact with (depending on the size of your floor that the bathroom is on) +8 bonus dicks when you touch the door to leave.

Even if you have automatic flushing, automatic soap sensor, faucet sensor, dryer / paper towel sensor you're still screwed because of that goddamn bathroom door. You can't kick it open either because you might fuck someone up who's trying to enter.

But the thing that really grinds my gears are guys who let their dick trickle hit the floor. As the day progresses it begins to pool and you have to stand farther and farther away from the urinal so as to not lace your ferragamos with piss. You have to be a fucking seal team six sniper if you want to reach the stall if you're taking a piss at night before you leave the office.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UrgpZ0fUixs

I use a paper tower to turn the water off, throw away, get another, dry hands, use same paper tower to open door on way out. We have a garbage right by the door.

No bonus dicks.

8/15/12

I'm often inclined to wash my hands BEFORE pissing. Especially in disgusting places like playing poker at a casino.

Also:

Image and video hosting by TinyPic

8/15/12

would like to hear experiences from the room next door as well

8/15/12

1) That super dense turd that splashes the toilet water all up on ur ass. At first you don't mind because of the bidet effect.... but then you remember where the water came from.
2) People who do the hover technique and miss and literally leave their deuce on the seat (rare, no doubt- but defintely happens more than it should).
3) I think this one was mentioned already, but the dribble that lands on the floor in front of the seat. It's whatever if you're just taking a leak too, but the second you gotta take a dump, your pants have to sit in it.

Honorable mention: people who leave the sink running when they take a shit so no one can hear them.
Final note- unless you took a dump, the dirtiest thing you can do in the bathroom is wash your hands. If you honestly think your dick is dirtier than the sink handle, than you have bigger problems on your plate

GBS

8/15/12

I was taking a piss...and the head of our division who I've never met comes up and middle urinals me (wtf!?) and then proceeds to rip two of the longest farts I've ever heard!!!!

I wanted to die laughing. Was I supposed to turn and look at him and laugh? I just wall stared until he left.

I've never looked at him the same.

8/16/12

Made me laugh. Thank you

8/16/12

I hate (love) when I'm on the throne and my junk rubs against the inside of the toilet. I wonder how many other dongs have touched that same spot? It's surreal to know I just made hundreds, maybe even thousands of new Dong Brothers.

8/16/12
Ron Paul:

I hate (love) when I'm on the throne and my junk rubs against the inside of the toilet. I wonder how many other dongs have touched that same spot? It's surreal to know I just made hundreds, maybe even thousands of new Dong Brothers.

Yeah man, worst part of taking a shit is when the tip of my junk dips into the water. Hate it when that happens...

8/16/12
Ron Paul:

I hate (love) when I'm on the throne and my junk rubs against the inside of the toilet. I wonder how many other dongs have touched that same spot? It's surreal to know I just made hundreds, maybe even thousands of new Dong Brothers.

This is why I always sling it over my shoulder when I'm sitting down

8/16/12

anyone who needs to wash up after #1 is an idiot who never figured out how not to piss on his hands

8/16/12

my current bathroom only has two stalls and the funniest is when two guys are in there and you can tell they are trying to outlast each other, each of them on iphones. the bathroom feels like a dungeon, very dark. people will leave parts of the wsj in there.

my last bathroom was pretty big and spacious with very nice smelling soap, but the stall doors were always swinging open and sometimes those electric flushers would start repeatedly flushing.

always a thin layer of water on the counter by the sink. it leaves that big wet line across your pants if you happen to lean against it.

8/16/12
Sometimes I go about in pity for myself, and all the while a great wind carries me across the sky
11/12/14

^ this

8/16/12

Has no one in here figured out the paper-towel-to-door-handle trick? When you're done washing your hands, you take the paper towels, dry your hands, take them with you to the door, open the door with the towels in your hand, and throw them away by the door. All the bathrooms in my bank have baskets by the door for this exact reason. I've seen it in other buildings as well. Is this rare?

Most people do things to add days to their life. I do things to add life to my days.

Browse my blog as a WSO contributing author

8/16/12
APAE:

Has no one in here figured out the paper-towel-to-door-handle trick? When you're done washing your hands, you take the paper towels, dry your hands, take them with you to the door, open the door with the towels in your hand, and throw them away by the door. All the bathrooms in my bank have baskets by the door for this exact reason. I've seen it in other buildings as well. Is this rare?

i like giving my immune system its daily workout.

8/16/12
APAE:

Has no one in here figured out the paper-towel-to-door-handle trick? When you're done washing your hands, you take the paper towels, dry your hands, take them with you to the door, open the door with the towels in your hand, and throw them away by the door. All the bathrooms in my bank have baskets by the door for this exact reason. I've seen it in other buildings as well. Is this rare?

I know what bank you work at now haha

8/16/12
wikileaks:
APAE:

Has no one in here figured out the paper-towel-to-door-handle trick? When you're done washing your hands, you take the paper towels, dry your hands, take them with you to the door, open the door with the towels in your hand, and throw them away by the door. All the bathrooms in my bank have baskets by the door for this exact reason. I've seen it in other buildings as well. Is this rare?

I know what bank you work at now haha

I remember from my interviews way back that several banks do this though.

Most people do things to add days to their life. I do things to add life to my days.

Browse my blog as a WSO contributing author

8/17/12
APAE:
wikileaks:
APAE:

Has no one in here figured out the paper-towel-to-door-handle trick? When you're done washing your hands, you take the paper towels, dry your hands, take them with you to the door, open the door with the towels in your hand, and throw them away by the door. All the bathrooms in my bank have baskets by the door for this exact reason. I've seen it in other buildings as well. Is this rare?

I know what bank you work at now haha

I remember from my interviews way back that several banks do this though.

probably only the BBs IMO I dont know, I never paid attention to these things. but the way you described ah I could say the name, but I guess not

8/16/12

This thread has reached another level of ridiculous

8/16/12

I go to disabled toilets for privacy, space and comfort.

8/18/12
damngringo:

I go to disabled toilets for privacy, space and comfort.

you mean the executive suite?

8/21/12
turtles:
damngringo:

I go to disabled toilets for privacy, space and comfort.

you mean the executive suite?

No, a disabled toilet - they are everywhere in my office, some even have showers

8/21/12
damngringo:
turtles:
damngringo:

I go to disabled toilets for privacy, space and comfort.

you mean the executive suite?

No, a disabled toilet - they are everywhere in my office, some even have showers

You missed the point. Disabled suites are colloquially known as "the executive suite" since they're bigger than the normal stalls.

Most people do things to add days to their life. I do things to add life to my days.

Browse my blog as a WSO contributing author

8/21/12
damngringo:
turtles:
damngringo:

I go to disabled toilets for privacy, space and comfort.

you mean the executive suite?

No, a disabled toilet - they are everywhere in my office, some even have showers

Ya I know... I'm just playing. I call them the executive suites...

8/16/12

If I'm in the bathroom by myself I'll Chuck Norris the door and just kick the handle down with my foot. If you've got a twist knob you're probably fucked though.

This thread also reminded me of this for some reason: http://www.tumtiki.com/videos/296453/saturday-nigh...

I hate victims who respect their executioners

8/20/12
BlackHat:

If I'm in the bathroom by myself I'll Chuck Norris the door and just kick the handle down with my foot. If you've got a twist knob you're probably fucked though.

This thread also reminded me of this for some reason: http://www.tumtiki.com/videos/296453/saturday-nigh...

Wouldn't it be easier to use a paper towel to open the door, especially if you're worried about touching anything

8/16/12

when i was interning it seemed like no one can fkin aim worth a **** was always urin on the floor by some *****ing idiot

8/16/12

do you guys really poop at work?

8/16/12
blastoise:

do you guys really poop at work?

You do not know what you are missing. It's like Heaven on Earth.

8/16/12
Ruhm:
blastoise:

do you guys really poop at work?

You do not know what you are missing. It's like Heaven on Earth.

chamber pot.

8/15/14

blastoise:

do you guys really poop at work?

I honestly can't remember the last time I bought tp for my apartment.

8/16/12

How about the guy who posts up right next to you at the urinal, starts flowing, then starts ripping MONSTER ass? I understand you don't want to fart in your cube, but don't do it next to me either.

8/16/12
Aaron Burr:

2. The Presence of Unexpected Presents

This one is definitely the worst. You'd think that in a corporate environment people would have the common decency to make sure the auto-flush took care of business so they don't leave a destroyed toilet for the next guy. Nope. I've seen some things that are worse than any run-down gas station i've been to.

8/16/12

Note that in the (admittedly rare) instances where there are dividers between the urinals, Middle Urinal guy is moot.

Metal. Music. Life. www.headofmetal.com

8/16/12

Worst experience for me are those old school 20 gallon toilets: your deposit has a large enough freefall that upon impact a geyser of dirty toilet water is projected directly upwards.

As to middle urinal guy: my hs calc teacher would place both hands on the wall above the urinal and lean on them while standing right next to you. Occasionally he would worsen the situation by striking up conversation.

Making money is art and working is art and good business is the best art - Andy Warhol

8/16/12
dwight schrute:

Worst experience for me are those old school 20 gallon toilets: your deposit has a large enough freefall that upon impact a geyser of dirty toilet water is projected directly upwards.

As to middle urinal guy: my hs calc teacher would place both hands on the wall above the urinal and lean on them while standing right next to you. Occasionally he would worsen the situation by striking up conversation.

Throw some pieces of toilet paper in there to reduce the impact of those chocolate bars!

8/16/12

Does no one else get annoyed when you're in the last (usually handicap) stall and you hear the door open and lo and behold the person walks past 8 other stalls to the one next to you? I abide by the every other stall method at work.

And to avoid the splash back i dump a hefty amount of toilet paper into the water first. This is also key when you're at someone's house, say a new girlfriend or her parents' house, and you want to avoid leaving skids.

8/16/12

One guy, who was apparently very focused on absolute privacy, was known to drape toilet paper over the slit in the stall door where the hinge is located.

8/16/12
SirTradesaLot:

One guy, who was apparently very focused on absolute privacy, was known to drape toilet paper over the slit in the stall door where the hinge is located.

HAHAHA. epic.

Sometimes I go about in pity for myself, and all the while a great wind carries me across the sky
8/16/12
Going Concern:
SirTradesaLot:

One guy, who was apparently very focused on absolute privacy, was known to drape toilet paper over the slit in the stall door where the hinge is located.

HAHAHA. epic.

The best part, it was a client's office. My colleague went to the restroom before the meeting got started. When my colleague came back, he told the guy we were meeting, "I saw something very interesting in there." Client says something like, "was it the toilet paper fortress guy?". Then, he went on for about ten minutes describing all of the intricacies of the process.

8/16/12
SirTradesaLot:

One guy, who was apparently very focused on absolute privacy, was known to drape toilet paper over the slit in the stall door where the hinge is located.

That's fuckin badass.

I hate victims who respect their executioners

8/16/12

^lol. I took a dump in a stall once where the slit was literally right in front of the toilet. It was wider than normal too. I'd give a pass in a case like that. Regardless, good for that guy. I'd bet money he's a boss.

GBS

8/16/12

Not work related but anyone else clog a toilet at a girlfriends parents house. Depending how well you know them, talk about embarrassment. "Hey Mr._____ do you have a plunger."

Harvey Specter doesn't get cotton mouth.

8/16/12
ScoobyDoobie:

Not work related but anyone else clog a toilet at a girlfriends parents house. Depending how well you know them, talk about embarrassment. "Hey Mr._____ do you have a plunger."

Reminds me of Dumb and Dumber

I hate victims who respect their executioners

8/16/12

GBS

8/16/12

I always listen to Wipe Me Down while I poo. Bumpin while I'm dumpin.

8/17/12

lolz good post...which is saying something the way this forum is going

You know you've been working too hard when you stop dreaming about bottles of champagne and hordes of naked women, and start dreaming about conditional formatting and circular references.

8/17/12

This thread is pure win.

Banking.

8/17/12
8/17/12
knaegeli:

To test your knowledge:
http://drinknation.com/fun/urinaltest

the urinal coupling one was hilarious...believe it or not, a similar strategy applies to chess...i guess you can say wall street bathroom breaks are like urinal chess

Sometimes I go about in pity for myself, and all the while a great wind carries me across the sky
8/18/12

After skimming through the majority of these comments, I assume the majority of you fortunately have not been in the military. I find these issues to be child's play. I'll miss playing gay chicken... that is about it though.

8/20/12
Xecit:

After skimming through the majority of these comments, I assume the majority of you fortunately have not been in the military. I find these issues to be child's play. I'll miss playing gay chicken... that is about it though.

Don't get me started on gay chicken...

I hate victims who respect their executioners

8/21/12
BlackHat:
Xecit:

After skimming through the majority of these comments, I assume the majority of you fortunately have not been in the military. I find these issues to be child's play. I'll miss playing gay chicken... that is about it though.

Don't get me started on gay chicken...

Are you gay or are you a chicken? From you're posts, I'm gonna say you' got some balls, so you gotta be gay.

8/24/12
knaegeli:
BlackHat:
Xecit:

After skimming through the majority of these comments, I assume the majority of you fortunately have not been in the military. I find these issues to be child's play. I'll miss playing gay chicken... that is about it though.

Don't get me started on gay chicken...

Are you gay or are you a chicken? From you're posts, I'm gonna say you' got some balls, so you gotta be gay.

You caught me.

I hate victims who respect their executioners

8/26/12
BlackHat:
knaegeli:
BlackHat:
Xecit:

After skimming through the majority of these comments, I assume the majority of you fortunately have not been in the military. I find these issues to be child's play. I'll miss playing gay chicken... that is about it though.

Don't get me started on gay chicken...

Are you gay or are you a chicken? From you're posts, I'm gonna say you' got some balls, so you gotta be gay.

You caught me.

Does you fiancee know?

8/20/12

Anybody else just hold it until they get home?

8/20/12
shadowcover:

Anybody else just hold it until they get home?

Like Shitbreak from American Pie?

8/22/12

Lol didn't know that

8/14/14

we need more posts like this

"My name's Ralph Cox, and I'm from where ever's not gonna get me hit"

8/14/14

The best way to exert dominance is to begin at the left most stall, drop trou, turn 45 degrees to the right (to mire your marble oasis), place hands on hips or in the most muscular pose, begin urinating while gradually walking from urinal to urinal and finishing in the right most sink. This applies regardless of whether or not other people are using the urinals (obviously). Sounds like you guys are doing it wrong and focusing on the wrong issues.

8/14/14

I work in Corporate Real Estate, so the office building is much smaller and has many situations of being alone in the bathrooms. Just wondering, anybody ever catch people fapping while on the can? It seems pretty obvious because they go immediately silent when you come in, and don't hardly make a noise if you sit in the stall next to them, I guess hoping that you won't know they are there. If I have time, and I'm not in a rush, I like to walk towards the door out, swing it open, and act like I'm leaving (easy if you have solid soled shoes). Never fails... five seconds later the porno sounds start up and the jerking begins. I usually give them a few seconds, then laugh loudly and exit. Pretty funny stuff. You think that people might not wait until they could get home to take a dump, but geez! Deal with your urges privately at home!

"Decide what to be and go be it." - The Avett Brothers

8/14/14

The worst is when mid-dump the auto flush decides you're done and sprays your ass like a bidet with toilet juice. Jokes on the next guy because I now cover the auto flush and often forget to remove it when I'm done.

...and what the fuck is wrong with people who put one or both hands against the wall in front of them while pissing? They make it seem like they're passing a goddamn kidney stone.

9/11/14

I thought maybe this only happened to me, sometimes decides that it needs to auto flush 3 or 4 times before I'm done. Absolute worst. Also, had a director who did the two hand against the wall and grunted like he passed a kidney stone every single time...

8/14/14

my two "unique" theories on bathroom usage.

For #1: Since my morning shower, my unit has been cleanly sitting in my pants protected from the outside world, we should really wash our hands BEFORE using the urinal. (motion activated flushing and sink expected here).

For #2: Flushable Wet Wipes. I don't understand how people use dry economy level toilet paper. What are we, cavemen?? Maybe I am showing my age and bodily breakdown due to the 10 years of excessive amounts of alcohol, coffee, lack of sleep and fatty foods, but I don't see how you guys get the job done with single-ply.

EM CEF mistmaker

8/14/14

Not from work, but toilet stories from around the globe;
1) these things might be common where your at, BUT there is a bar just down the road from me (London), and there is one 'special' urinal. You aim for the start 'button', a screen above it lights up and the urinal has a sensor overlay so you can play games, with your piss. Really brightens the experience of what is a shithole of a bar.
2) There is nothing, nothing at all, which can beat a Japanese toilet. The fanciest one I had the pleasure of using had adjustments for the heat of the seat, the music it played you, the direction of post action water spurt and heat of said spurt.
3)A bar in Kranjska Gora, Slovenia has soft padded head rests above the urinal for you to drunkenly lean your head on, and, if you turned your head to the right/ left (assuming you don't get the middle) there was a mini screen playing music videos.

8/15/14

Love the post! I dont know if this has happened to anyone here, but somehow I managed to sync my bathroom schedule with a really weird VP in my group. Never worked with the guy. But we would always happen to go to the bathroom at the same time. Im sure we both noticed this happening, but we never spoke about it. Fucked up.

8/15/14

I just read this whole thread while taking a shit. Nice work.

8/17/14

This is so true. The worst thing though are the people who lieve the toilet behind as a mud stream covered by a mountain of toilet paper.

8/18/14

The joy of seeing a fresh stall after the cleaner has just been there.. Something about that chemically blue water, it's like fuckin a virgin

8/20/14

Great thread. I personally never understood the dudes who can brush their teeth in the bathroom while other dudes are pooping and it smells like complete shit in there.

8/20/14

When I come across the occasional guy on a call in the stall next to me, I take great pleasure in repeatedly flushing the toilet over, and over again.

8/20/14

Rationalize all you want, if you don't wash your hands you are promoting the spread of infectious disease to yourself and others. Ask any medical professional they will all tell you the same thing. Germs do not work the way I think that some of you think they do.

8/20/14
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