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Mod Note (Andy): Throwback Thursday: this was originally posted 6/11/12

There are some segments of the economy in which it takes a douchebag to drive value. (This is unfortunate, but empirically observable.) And Auntie Bankerella is worried.

See, over the years I’ve seen douchebaggery decline little-by-little, both on WSO and in my work life. You young monkeys currently entering the prime of your douche years are just not as douchy as we were back in the day.

I’m not saying it’s your fault. Few people achieve their full potential of douchiness naturally; it’s something most of us learn by emulation. Which means my generation hasn’t properly schooled you guys.

Yeah, I could make excuses. The economy hasn’t been douche-friendly, most of the really legendary douches who were our role models are either disgraced or in jail, yadda yadda.

But the truth is that we dropped the doucheball, and I apologize.

However, this week you’re in luck. I’m feeling confessional.

During the prime of my own douchehood, I apparently found it necessary to record all the douchebag stuff I was doing and saying. I was reading through this crap recently and the first thing I thought was, “I need to build a time machine and go back and shoot myself at age 21.” The second thing was, “Actually, this stuff is educational. And it would be kind of funny if I were somebody else.”

So despite my desire to stop reading, erase my hard drive, tie it to a brick, and drop it in the Hudson, I have instead pulled out the statements that made me cringe the hardest. (The things I do for the next generation. Don’t say I never gave you guys anything.)

Want to be a Master of the Universe? Read on. Get in touch with your inner douchebag. Break out the Vineyard Vines and clip that phone back on your belt (behind one hip at a casual angle, natch). Stand up tall and brush your shoulders off.

Then I want you guys to get out there and douche like the Dow just closed above 12,000 (or 10,000, or 2,000) for the first time. (That’s 2006, 1999, and 1987: perhaps the three finest vintages of douchebag in the history of Wall Street.) Go forth and make Auntie Bankerella proud.

(Did I ever actually say this stuff? Sadly, yes. I either spoke or typed these words to friends or family at some point in my college and analyst years. Did anyone ever tell me I was a douchebag? No. Guess they didn’t think they needed to.)

  • To boyfriend: “I’ve got twelve interviews this week. I’m sorry, but eleven of them are higher-priority than you.” (Surprisingly, boyfriend did not dump me.)
  • As a regular at a trendy restaurant: “No octopus carpaccio? Again? This is the third time, Jared.”
  • At the gym, ten seconds into a call from a friend: “By the way, it’s nothing personal, but I don’t get off the elliptical for anybody.”

  • Standard douchy conversation-opener at bars and parties: “So what do you do?”

  • On the way to work, speaking to Japanese tourists taking pictures of her and saying Waaru-Sutreeto ga...: “Jesus Christ, people. Wall Street is in the OTHER DIRECTION. Wakarimasu ka? Go downtown and take pictures of the guys from Goldman Sachs and get in their way, mmkay?”

  • On politics: “Greenspan for President!”

  • “All I want for Christmas is a black leather holster for my Bluetooth earpiece.”

  • “I’m not taking advice from anyone who keeps stuffed animals on her desk.”

  • “I went into a regular supermarket yesterday. I saw peanut butter and jelly in the same jar. Biscuits in a can. Frozen food in little paper trays. How shitty does your life have to be?” (FYI, I now purchase all three of these products.)

  • To teammate at 3 AM: “There ain’t no “Guide to Being a Happy and Virtuous Investment Banker.” You get through the next two years, you can write that book yourself. I’ll buy ten copies. Until then, I’m gonna be down on 14 showing my cleavage to Manuel and Jorge [in the print shop] so we can get out of here before the sun comes up.”

  • E-mail in response to alumni fundraiser: “Of course [School] has my gratitude. It also has my quarter-million dollars. I feel this concludes our business.”

HTH. Anybody got any others they can add?

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Comments (119)

  • manbearpig's picture

    You must be a nightmare to date...

    -MBP

  • WSOusername's picture

    .

    GBS

  • finger_me_elmo's picture

    that is douchey? hahahaha

    "targets" are not douchey, you guys try to be. It is so funny, growing up all my brothers target friends hated me and my friends (especially when we were down the beach) because we were complete assholes to them. As in they called the police on the house assholes, but we got away with it.

    Get off this forum "bankerella", this isn't a funny post at all. In fact it makes you look like a complete poser.

    Whats the matter? Scared of my little red fuzzy anus? Don't be shy,let me show you the way, give me your hand and I will take you to paradise

  • Fredbird's picture
  • Abdel's picture
  • sayandarula's picture

    i don't understand the hate. i like this chick.

    Money Never Sleeps? More like Money Never SUCKS amirite?!?!?!?

  • WSOusername's picture

    ^hahaha, word for word the comment i deleted b4

    GBS

  • Oreos's picture

    If a guy had come on, said about all the GSelevator esq things he had come out with, you guys would be loving it....

    .

  • M Friedman's picture

    I turn my back for a couple weeks and this is what happens?

  • kidflash's picture

    I was more of an ass than this when I was in middle school.
    Yous soft.

  • In reply to Oreos
    sayandarula's picture

    Oreos wrote:
    If a guy had come on, said about all the GSelevator esq things he had come out with, you guys would be loving it....

    word... she's kind of like a female Tucker Max.

    Money Never Sleeps? More like Money Never SUCKS amirite?!?!?!?

  • Edmundo Braverman's picture

    bankerella wrote:
    • E-mail in response to alumni fundraiser: “Of course [School] has my gratitude. It also has my quarter-million dollars. I feel this concludes our business.”

    EPIC.

    Fuck all you losers. +1

  • J_monkey's picture

    awww,,, I can tell that you need a hug from your papa and mama.
    Insecure dogs (bitches) bark a lot

  • Sandhurst's picture

    These are poor on the whole. Standout is "This is the third time, Jared." The Asians & Wall Street one is contrived. Most of the others are more try-hard (as opposed to actually) douchey.

    Also - Vineyard Vines? What is this, 10th grade? Call me when you know what you're talking about.

    "There are three ways to make a living in this business: be first, be smarter, or cheat."

  • In reply to Oreos
    FinancialNoviceII's picture

    Oreos wrote:
    If a guy had come on, said about all the GSelevator esq things he had come out with, you guys would be loving it....

    That GSelevator shit is fucking annoying. So count me out.

  • prospie's picture

    These are not douchey. Some are dumb, some are annoying, some are totally normal.

  • Spalding Get Your Foot Off the Boat's picture

    this post had so much hope until the underwhelming anecdotes... classic example of man vs. woman... the actual douchiest thing you did is either A) roll your eyes at guys who approached you (assuming you're hot) or B) acted like you're uninterested in men as a race (assuming you're not)

    in summary - the things you think were douchy aren't, and the things you unknowingly did are

  • Spalding Get Your Foot Off the Boat's picture

    ... i actually don't consider myself a douche, but here's the douchiest thing i REGULARLY say:

    to a stranger on the bus / airplane / in the checkout line / grabbing my credit card out of my hand with unnecessary contact: "Why are you touching me right now?"

  • In reply to prospie
    PuppyBackedSecurities's picture

    prospie wrote:
    These are not douchey. Some are dumb, some are annoying, some are totally normal.

    So true. Can an old school analyst write something about the hay days? I got my hopes up for this post and this was just plain sad.

  • In reply to Edmundo Braverman
    labanker's picture

    Edmundo Braverman wrote:
    bankerella wrote:
    • E-mail in response to alumni fundraiser: “Of course [School] has my gratitude. It also has my quarter-million dollars. I feel this concludes our business.”

    EPIC.

    Fuck all you losers. +1

    Agreed. I might have to use this little gem myself.

  • In reply to J_monkey
    TesticularElephantitis's picture

    J_monkey wrote:
    awww,,, I can tell that you need a hug from your papa and mama.
    Insecure dogs (bitches) bark a lot

    And what, dear sir, are you doing right there?

    BTW, loved the post.

    Nothing can stop me.

  • CaptK's picture

    All your responses to bankerella's post so clearly illustrate the point she's making. I'd like to put a finer point on it though - it's the transition from the "high class elitist douche" of the boomer years, ensconced in a life of luxury and oblivious to everything else, to today "low class douche", who says things like "i can picture this chick wearing a strap-on just so she can suck her own dick..." on an anonymous internet forum, and actively goes out of his way to toss insults around, and bolstering his own misguided sense of
    cool with each one.

    The true art of elitism has been lost - it's not about making sure everyone knows how special you are, it's about living your life in a way that removes all doubt. To truly be elitist you have to actually be elite, not just constantly run your mouth about "models and bottles".

    - Capt K -
    "Prestige is like a powerful magnet that warps even your beliefs about what you enjoy. If you want to make ambitious people waste their time on errands, bait the hook with prestige." - Paul Graham

  • In reply to labanker
    Do what I gotta do's picture

    labanker wrote:
    Edmundo Braverman wrote:
    bankerella wrote:
    • E-mail in response to alumni fundraiser: “Of course [School] has my gratitude. It also has my quarter-million dollars. I feel this concludes our business.”

    EPIC.

    Fuck all you losers. +1

    Agreed. I might have to use this little gem myself.

    I second this comment.
    This is about the only one that I felt like is actually douchey and/or funny.

  • bonks's picture

    .

    Nothing short of everything will really do.

  • In reply to CaptK
    Febreeze's picture

    CaptK wrote:
    All your responses to bankerella's post so clearly illustrate the point she's making. I'd like to put a finer point on it though - it's the transition from the "high class elitist douche" of the boomer years, ensconced in a life of luxury and oblivious to everything else, to today "low class douche", who says things like "i can picture this chick wearing a strap-on just so she can suck her own dick..." on an anonymous internet forum, and actively goes out of his way to toss insults around, and bolstering his own misguided sense of
    cool with each one.

    The true art of elitism has been lost - it's not about making sure everyone knows how special you are, it's about living your life in a way that removes all doubt. To truly be elitist you have to actually be elite, not just constantly run your mouth about "models and bottles".

    the "art" of elitism...

    if serious, you're up your own ass higher than OP.

  • blastoise's picture

    OP i know this is crazy
    but, I pm'd you my number
    so call me maybe

  • blastoise's picture

    4 real we can both lose our virgnity op

  • peterg's picture

    ^^^ I don't doubt that 1 of you could...

  • In reply to blastoise
    WSOusername's picture

    blastoise wrote:
    4 real we can both lose our virgnity op

    ~15% of troll posts make me lol.... this was one

    GBS

  • NewGuy's picture

    Would smash

  • BlackHat's picture

    Can we get married

    I hate victims who respect their executioners

  • DrizzyDrake's picture

    bankerella wrote:

    • To boyfriend: “I’ve got twelve interviews this week. I’m sorry, but eleven of them are higher-priority than you.” (Surprisingly, boyfriend did not dump me.)

    These are the girls you should avoid, boys.

  • In reply to DrizzyDrake
    FinancialNoviceII's picture

    DrizzyDrake wrote:
    bankerella wrote:

    • To boyfriend: “I’ve got twelve interviews this week. I’m sorry, but eleven of them are higher-priority than you.” (Surprisingly, boyfriend did not dump me.)

    These are the girls you should avoid, boys.

    These are the dudes we should avoid being bros with.

  • damn.analyst's picture

    would let you treat me like shit just to see the "girls" at 3AM!

  • In reply to FinancialNoviceII
    DrizzyDrake's picture

    FinancialNoviceII wrote:
    DrizzyDrake wrote:
    bankerella wrote:

    • To boyfriend: “I’ve got twelve interviews this week. I’m sorry, but eleven of them are higher-priority than you.” (Surprisingly, boyfriend did not dump me.)

    These are the girls you should avoid, boys.

    These are the dudes we should avoid being bros with.

    Lol I'm just saying most guys don't want their girlfriends to be pretentious bitches but to each his own. There are plenty of these type of women out there for you. Take care.

  • In reply to DrizzyDrake
    sayandarula's picture

    DrizzyDrake wrote:
    bankerella wrote:

    • To boyfriend: “I’ve got twelve interviews this week. I’m sorry, but eleven of them are higher-priority than you.” (Surprisingly, boyfriend did not dump me.)

    These are the girls you should avoid, boys.

    Actually... i don't find this douchey at all, rather it's pretty sound advice. Young people who prioritize their gf/bf over their career are straight retarded. Don't let the some needy attention-seeking bitch/dick get in the way of moving up in life... especially when you're just starting your career.

    Money Never Sleeps? More like Money Never SUCKS amirite?!?!?!?

  • In reply to sayandarula
    FinancialNoviceII's picture

    sayandarula wrote:
    DrizzyDrake wrote:
    bankerella wrote:

    • To boyfriend: “I’ve got twelve interviews this week. I’m sorry, but eleven of them are higher-priority than you.” (Surprisingly, boyfriend did not dump me.)

    These are the girls you should avoid, boys.

    Actually... i don't find this douchey at all, rather it's pretty sound advice. Young people who prioritize their gf/bf over their career are straight retarded. Don't let the some needy attention-seeking bitch/dick get in the way of moving up in life... especially when you're just starting your career.

    Agree. However, there is a difference between being or seeming needy and actually giving a shit. Not being able to find some time for your loved ones is a sure fire way to end up alone with a solid career. I never understood the people in relationships, yet never seem to find time for those people. Find a fuck buddy instead.

  • In The Flesh's picture

    I'm having a hard time remembering the douchiest thing I ever said. Guess this means I'm either not a douche OR am one but just don't know it?

    Metal. Music. Life. www.headofmetal.com

  • Anacott_CEO's picture

    This thread made me lol. Side note: I think it was clever of DrizzyDrake to say "Take care"

  • wannabeaballer's picture

    You've come a long way since your graduation from the University of Houston.

  • In reply to DrizzyDrake
    John Rolfe's picture

    DrizzyDrake wrote:
    bankerella wrote:

    • To boyfriend: “I’ve got twelve interviews this week. I’m sorry, but eleven of them are higher-priority than you.” (Surprisingly, boyfriend did not dump me.)

    These are the girls you should avoid, boys.

    Couldn't agree more.

  • JDawg's picture
  • Inept Speculator's picture

    captk I thought true elitists are misers. I knew a rich dude who always counted pennies. This guy would rather get a free one from the fella sitting next to him at a dive bar than buy one for himself if he could sweet talk his way into it. Never met such a sick fella in my entire life.

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