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Wall Street Oasis » Blogs » bankerella's blog
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The douchiest things I ever said: can you top this?
 

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bankerella's picture
bankerella
      IB
 
 
(King Kong, 1,863
 
Points)
 on 6/12/12 at 6:30am
Dollars for douchebags

There are some segments of the economy in which it takes a douchebag to drive value. (This is unfortunate, but empirically observable.) And Auntie Bankerella is worried.

See, over the years I’ve seen douchebaggery decline little-by-little, both on WSO and in my work life. You young monkeys currently entering the prime of your douche years are just not as douchy as we were back in the day.

I’m not saying it’s your fault. Few people achieve their full potential of douchiness naturally; it’s something most of us learn by emulation. Which means my generation hasn’t properly schooled you guys.

Yeah, I could make excuses. The economy hasn’t been douche-friendly, most of the really legendary douches who were our role models are either disgraced or in jail, yadda yadda.

But the truth is that we dropped the doucheball, and I apologize.

However, this week you’re in luck. I’m feeling confessional.

During the prime of my own douchehood, I apparently found it necessary to record all the douchebag stuff I was doing and saying. I was reading through this crap recently and the first thing I thought was, “I need to build a time machine and go back and shoot myself at age 21.” The second thing was, “Actually, this stuff is educational. And it would be kind of funny if I were somebody else.”

So despite my desire to stop reading, erase my hard drive, tie it to a brick, and drop it in the Hudson, I have instead pulled out the statements that made me cringe the hardest. (The things I do for the next generation. Don’t say I never gave you guys anything.)

Want to be a Master of the Universe? Read on. Get in touch with your inner douchebag. Break out the Vineyard Vines and clip that phone back on your belt (behind one hip at a casual angle, natch). Stand up tall and brush your shoulders off.

Then I want you guys to get out there and douche like the Dow just closed above 12,000 (or 10,000, or 2,000) for the first time. (That’s 2006, 1999, and 1987: perhaps the three finest vintages of douchebag in the history of Wall Street.) Go forth and make Auntie Bankerella proud.

(Did I ever actually say this stuff? Sadly, yes. I either spoke or typed these words to friends or family at some point in my college and analyst years. Did anyone ever tell me I was a douchebag? No. Guess they didn’t think they needed to.)

  • To boyfriend: “I’ve got twelve interviews this week. I’m sorry, but eleven of them are higher-priority than you.” (Surprisingly, boyfriend did not dump me.)
  • As a regular at a trendy restaurant: “No octopus carpaccio? Again? This is the third time, Jared.”
  • At the gym, ten seconds into a call from a friend: “By the way, it’s nothing personal, but I don’t get off the elliptical for anybody.”

  • Standard douchy conversation-opener at bars and parties: “So what do you do?”

  • On the way to work, speaking to Japanese tourists taking pictures of her and saying Waaru-Sutreeto ga...: “Jesus Christ, people. Wall Street is in the OTHER DIRECTION. Wakarimasu ka? Go downtown and take pictures of the guys from Goldman Sachs and get in their way, mmkay?”

  • On politics: “Greenspan for President!”

  • “All I want for Christmas is a black leather holster for my Bluetooth earpiece.”

  • “I’m not taking advice from anyone who keeps stuffed animals on her desk.”

  • “I went into a regular supermarket yesterday. I saw peanut butter and jelly in the same jar. Biscuits in a can. Frozen food in little paper trays. How shitty does your life have to be?” (FYI, I now purchase all three of these products.)

  • To teammate at 3 AM: “There ain’t no “Guide to Being a Happy and Virtuous Investment Banker.” You get through the next two years, you can write that book yourself. I’ll buy ten copies. Until then, I’m gonna be down on 14 showing my cleavage to Manuel and Jorge [in the print shop] so we can get out of here before the sun comes up.”

  • E-mail in response to alumni fundraiser: “Of course [School] has my gratitude. It also has my quarter-million dollars. I feel this concludes our business.”

HTH. Anybody got any others they can add?

See my other WSO blog posts
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Tags:
  • relationships
  • don't be a douche
  • being a douche
  • 1st year analyst

Comments

manbearpig's picture

You must be a nightmare to

manbearpig
      CO
 
 
(Neanderthal, 3,029
 
Points)
 on 6/11/12 at 2:51pm

You must be a nightmare to date...

-MBP

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WSOusername's picture

.

WSOusername
     
 
(Senior Gorilla, 950
 
Points)
 on 6/11/12 at 2:58pm

.

GBS

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finger_me_elmo's picture

that is douchey?

finger_me_elmo
      PE
 
(Baboon, 129
 
Points)
 on 6/11/12 at 2:55pm

that is douchey? hahahaha

"targets" are not douchey, you guys try to be. It is so funny, growing up all my brothers target friends hated me and my friends (especially when we were down the beach) because we were complete assholes to them. As in they called the police on the house assholes, but we got away with it.

Get off this forum "bankerella", this isn't a funny post at all. In fact it makes you look like a complete poser.

Whats the matter? Scared of my little red fuzzy anus? Don't be shy,let me show you the way, give me your hand and I will take you to paradise <3

Kind Regards,

ElmElm

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Fredbird's picture

Is that it?

Fredbird
     
 
(Baboon, 129
 
Points)
 on 6/11/12 at 2:58pm

Is that it?

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Abdel's picture

o god, not her again

Abdel
      O
 
(Neanderthal, 2,064
 
Points)
 on 6/11/12 at 3:06pm

o god, not her again

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sayandarula's picture

i don't understand the hate.

sayandarula
      O
 
 
(King Kong, 1,810
 
Points)
 on 6/11/12 at 3:07pm

i don't understand the hate. i like this chick.

Money Never Sleeps? More like Money Never SUCKS amirite?!?!?!?

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WSOusername's picture

^hahaha, word for word the

WSOusername
     
 
(Senior Gorilla, 950
 
Points)
 on 6/11/12 at 3:12pm

^hahaha, word for word the comment i deleted b4

GBS

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Oreos's picture

If a guy had come on, said

Oreos
      HF
 
 
(Neanderthal, 2,450
 
Points)
 on 6/11/12 at 3:13pm

If a guy had come on, said about all the GSelevator esq things he had come out with, you guys would be loving it....

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M Friedman's picture

I turn my back for a couple

M Friedman
     
 
(King Kong, 1,007
 
Points)
 on 6/11/12 at 3:19pm

I turn my back for a couple weeks and this is what happens?

See my WSO blogs here.

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kidflash's picture

I was more of an ass than

kidflash
      IB
 
(Gorilla, 675
 
Points)
 on 6/11/12 at 3:21pm

I was more of an ass than this when I was in middle school.
Yous soft.

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sayandarula's picture

Oreos: If a guy had come on,

sayandarula
      O
 
 
(King Kong, 1,810
 
Points)
 on 6/11/12 at 3:22pm
Oreos:

If a guy had come on, said about all the GSelevator esq things he had come out with, you guys would be loving it....

word... she's kind of like a female Tucker Max.

Money Never Sleeps? More like Money Never SUCKS amirite?!?!?!?

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Edmundo Braverman's picture

bankerella: E-mail in

Edmundo Braverman
      ST
 
 
(Human, 14,368
 
Points)
 on 6/11/12 at 3:24pm
bankerella:
  • E-mail in response to alumni fundraiser: “Of course [School] has my gratitude. It also has my quarter-million dollars. I feel this concludes our business.”

EPIC.

Fuck all you losers. +1

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wannabeaballer's picture

This doesn't make up for your

wannabeaballer
      O
 
(Senior Orangutan, 455
 
Points)
 on 6/11/12 at 3:27pm

This doesn't make up for your relationship with your father.

Gun Control Discussion

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Febreeze's picture

i can picture this chick

Febreeze
     
 
(King Kong, 1,151
 
Points)
 on 6/11/12 at 3:32pm

i can picture this chick wearing a strap-on just so she can suck her own dick...

RIP WSO Chat.

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J_monkey's picture

awww,,, I can tell that you

J_monkey
      O
 
(Baboon, 165
 
Points)
 on 6/11/12 at 3:43pm

awww,,, I can tell that you need a hug from your papa and mama.
Insecure dogs (bitches) bark a lot

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Sandhurst's picture

These are poor on the whole.

Sandhurst
      IB
 
 
(King Kong, 1,237
 
Points)
 on 6/11/12 at 4:08pm
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"There are three ways to make a living in this business: be first, be smarter, or cheat."

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FinancialNoviceII's picture

Oreos: If a guy had come on,

FinancialNoviceII
      CS
 
(Neanderthal, 2,460
 
Points)
 on 6/11/12 at 4:05pm
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prospie's picture

These are not douchey. Some

prospie
     
 
(King Kong, 1,680
 
Points)
 on 6/11/12 at 4:18pm

Financial Modeling Training
Guide to Finance Interviews
Banking Resume

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Spalding Get Your Foot Off the Boat's picture

this post had so much hope

Spalding Get Yo...
     
 
 
(Senior Baboon, 216
 
Points)
 on 6/11/12 at 4:31pm
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Spalding Get Your Foot Off the Boat's picture

... i actually don't consider

Spalding Get Yo...
     
 
 
(Senior Baboon, 216
 
Points)
 on 6/11/12 at 4:40pm
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PuppyBackedSecurities's picture

prospie: These are not

PuppyBackedSecu...
      IB
 
(Orangutan, 287
 
Points)
 on 6/11/12 at 4:42pm
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labanker's picture

Edmundo

labanker
      PE
 
 
(Orangutan, 330
 
Points)
 on 6/11/12 at 4:45pm
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TesticularElephantitis's picture

J_monkey: awww,,, I can tell

TesticularEleph...
      O
 
(Baboon, 132
 
Points)
 on 6/11/12 at 4:52pm

Nothing can stop me.

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CaptK's picture

All your responses to

CaptK
      PE
 
 
(Neanderthal, 2,344
 
Points)
 on 6/11/12 at 4:55pm

- Capt K -
"Prestige is like a powerful magnet that warps even your beliefs about what you enjoy. If you want to make ambitious people waste their time on errands, bait the hook with prestige." - Paul Graham

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Do what I gotta do's picture

labanker: Edmundo

Do what I gotta do
     
 
(Monkey, 53
 
Points)
 on 6/11/12 at 4:56pm
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bonks's picture

.

bonks
      CO
 
(Orangutan, 316
 
Points)
 on 7/10/12 at 6:14pm

Nothing short of everything will really do.

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Febreeze's picture

CaptK: All your responses to

Febreeze
     
 
(King Kong, 1,151
 
Points)
 on 6/11/12 at 5:05pm

RIP WSO Chat.

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blastoise's picture

OP i know this is crazy but,

blastoise
      O
 
(Senior Neanderthal, 4,380
 
Points)
 on 6/11/12 at 5:09pm
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blastoise's picture

never mind bc i don't wanna

blastoise
      O
 
(Senior Neanderthal, 4,380
 
Points)
 on 6/11/12 at 5:18pm
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Edmundo Braverman's picture

blastoise: OP i know this is

Edmundo Braverman
      ST
 
 
(Human, 14,368
 
Points)
 on 6/11/12 at 5:19pm

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blastoise's picture

4 real we can both lose our

blastoise
      O
 
(Senior Neanderthal, 4,380
 
Points)
 on 6/11/12 at 5:23pm
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peterg's picture

^^^ I don't doubt that 1 of

peterg
      IB
 
(Baboon, 140
 
Points)
 on 6/11/12 at 6:04pm
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WSOusername's picture

blastoise: 4 real we can both

WSOusername
     
 
(Senior Gorilla, 950
 
Points)
 on 6/11/12 at 6:16pm

GBS

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NewGuy's picture

Would smash

NewGuy
      HF
 
(Senior Orangutan, 479
 
Points)
 on 6/11/12 at 6:43pm
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BlackHat's picture

Can we get married

BlackHat
      HF
 
 
(Senior Neanderthal, 4,948
 
Points)
 on 6/11/12 at 6:45pm

I hate victims who respect their executioners

Follow BH & Co. on Twitter: @DumbLuckCapital
twitter.com/DumbLuckCapital

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DrizzyDrake's picture

bankerella: To boyfriend:

DrizzyDrake
     
 
(Senior Chimp, 26
 
Points)
 on 6/11/12 at 7:23pm
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FinancialNoviceII's picture

DrizzyDrake: bankerella:

FinancialNoviceII
      CS
 
(Neanderthal, 2,460
 
Points)
 on 6/11/12 at 7:24pm
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damn.analyst's picture

would let you treat me like

damn.analyst
      CF
 
(Baboon, 112
 
Points)
 on 6/11/12 at 7:25pm
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DrizzyDrake's picture

FinancialNoviceII: DrizzyDr

DrizzyDrake
     
 
(Senior Chimp, 26
 
Points)
 on 6/11/12 at 7:33pm
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DrizzyDrake's picture

wannabeaballer: This doesn't

DrizzyDrake
     
 
(Senior Chimp, 26
 
Points)
 on 6/11/12 at 7:35pm
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sayandarula's picture

DrizzyDrake: bankerella:

sayandarula
      O
 
 
(King Kong, 1,810
 
Points)
 on 6/11/12 at 8:01pm

Money Never Sleeps? More like Money Never SUCKS amirite?!?!?!?

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FinancialNoviceII's picture

sayandarula: DrizzyDrake:

FinancialNoviceII
      CS
 
(Neanderthal, 2,460
 
Points)
 on 6/11/12 at 8:36pm
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In The Flesh's picture

I'm having a hard time

In The Flesh
      HF
 
 
(Neanderthal, 2,811
 
Points)
 on 6/11/12 at 8:41pm

Head of Metal Website: www.headofmetal.com

https://twitter.com/headofmetal2012

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IronkidMS's picture

Hahaha! Thanks for the laughs

IronkidMS
      IA
 
(Monkey, 63
 
Points)
 on 6/11/12 at 9:00pm
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Anacott_CEO's picture

This thread made me lol. Side

Anacott_CEO
      CF
 
(King Kong, 1,259
 
Points)
 on 6/11/12 at 9:43pm
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wannabeaballer's picture

You've come a long way since

wannabeaballer
      O
 
(Senior Orangutan, 455
 
Points)
 on 6/11/12 at 9:44pm

Gun Control Discussion

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GorillaJuicehead's picture

i guess you had to be there

GorillaJuicehead
      EN
 
(Monkey, 54
 
Points)
 on 6/11/12 at 10:51pm
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John Rolfe's picture

DrizzyDrake: bankerella:

John Rolfe
      AM
 
(Orangutan, 361
 
Points)
 on 6/11/12 at 11:57pm
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Billy Ray Valentine's picture

Age 23, to a group of

Billy Ray Valentine
      O
 
 
(King Kong, 1,122
 
Points)
 on 6/12/12 at 12:53am

INTERVIEW GUIDES -- Technical, Fit and Networking... The Biz School Bible and More...

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JDawg's picture

(No subject)

JDawg
     
 
(Gorilla, 518
 
Points)
 on 6/12/12 at 2:37am
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The Company only uses personal information about its Web site users for specific purposes. We do not share user information with third parties except when we have told users about the disclosures, when we have prior consent, or when required by law.

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We use Web log information to design our Web site, identify popular features, and in similar ways. We do not try to identify individuals from Web logs or to link Web logs to other user information. However, if someone tries to damage our Web site or use it in an unauthorized or illegal way, we may share Web log information with law enforcement agencies. The Company may provide aggregate information such as the number of users who visit particular pages of the site, or the number of people who link to certain external sites from our site, to other parties.

Changes to Privacy Policy

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While our philosophy of protecting user information from inappropriate uses and disclosures will not change, this policy will be updated occasionally to include any change that materially affects the collection, maintenance, use, or disclosure of personal information.

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  • I'll be 21 years old when I start my full time position at a BB in September, in a city I've only ever been to once where I know nobody. As I'm finishing my degree I'm getting really cold feet about this, I still feel very young. I see guys in suits on the train and can't...
    Too young?
  • Afternoon monkeys, I just wanted to take a quick moment to thank everyone on this sight who has given me good, and sometimes harsh advice. I just graduated from a very small private school with a 3.5 GPA, decent internship experiences and hardly any connections. I've had quite a few...
    Well deserved thank you to WSO!
  • does anybody have a shipping model or any idea where i can get info on how these companies are...
    shipping
  • I was wondering how computer-savvy ( leaving aside Excel/PowerPoint skills) you need to be to do well in consulting? Assuming you have an assignment where you need to help a company improve its IT Strategy, are you screwed if you dont know how to code or if you havent taken ANY CS classes in...
    Computer Skills
  • Incoming SA at a BB. Just wondering, does it typically go straight into the 80-100 hours or gradually pick up (maybe a week or so)? Obviously training aside, but once you're actually working....
    How Quick Does It Pick Up?
  • So I stared looking for an internship in late April (I know). The first interview that I got was with Wolters Kluwer for an internal controls internship. They offered me the internship at the end of the interview. I had no other offers on the table, it was mid-May, and they're paying me, so I...
    Wolters Kluwer Internship
  • Hi, I am currently a junior in college and I am interested in pursing a career in management consulting or investment banking. Which internship seems more beneficial in terms of my desired career path: 1) Operations Internship at a Fortune 500 biotech company vs. 2) Commercial banking...
    Operations Internship vs Commercial Banking Internship
  • I'm curious to as what websites / free sources are available to stay up to date on the oil and gas industry. I have a subscription to WSJ and try to read their Energy column daily, but was wondering what everyone else uses. ...
    Oil & Gas News Outlets
  • Hi everyone I was wondering the other day if I ever make it to the S&T division of a BB, how's the chance I get transferred to the US (preferably to NYC), without having a green card and stuff? Is it done through some sponsorship...
    Transferring from London to NYC
  • Hi, does anyone know what exit opps exist for secondary advisory (think blackstone's secondary advisory etc) analysts and any intel on the comp would be...
    Secondary advisory
  • I have a modeling test for a IB analyst position at a boutique bank. I don't really have any modeling experience besides what I learned in school. Is there something I should focus on to prepare for this exercise? Any advice would be appreciated....
    modeling test
  • Does a first year analyst's compensation really put them in the lower-middle class? More specifically, how comfortably can a first year IBD analyst in New York on a 70k base + 20-40k bonus live? If not as flashy as is portrayed in movies (forgive me), then why do so many people want to break...
    Another compensation question
  • Is it appropriate to wear black dress shirt for a business casual environment? If not, what colors are considered ok?...
    Black Shirts
  • <a href="http://dealbreaker.com/2013/05/wouldnt-it-be-nice-for-once-in-your-life-to-get-there-ahead-of-the-major-institutions-id-like-you-to-start-a-relationship-with-firm-and-buy-shares-or-stock/">Dealbreaker</a> wrote (off Buzzfeed) today on some stockbrokers power phrases....
    “This account will come back to you in spades”
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This is the reaction any analyst who has ever worked in banking has when you say you want to leave banking for business school then come back as a post b school associate... <img src="http://epicpinterestfail.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/11/how-i-met-your-mother-barney-why.gif"...
Why You DON'T Leave Banking for B School Just to Come Right Back...
Inspired by comments from this: http://www.wallstreetoasis.com/forums/basic-guide-ramping-up-on-a-company-with-public-information-part-1-of-3 Lets just jump in. <strong>Technology:</strong> In this space there are really two metrics that matter the most, sales growth and EPS...
Beginners Guide to Valuation and Metrics By Sector
I'm currently a Private Equity Analyst in Shanghai, China. Academically, I graduated from a target school majoring in Economics and Chinese. I also spent my time at college as the president of an on-campus student organization related to Finance and Economics and a volunteer for a local...
Ask me anything… I'm a Private Equity Analyst in Shanghai
For better or for worse, there’s a very unique feeling when everything goes completely according to plan yet nobody seems to care or notice. Such is the case with our favorite company of the moment, Tesla Motors. For those unaware, TSLA has rocketed upwards since its Q1 earnings release,...
A Perfect Storm
I work as a long/short equity analyst at a large hedge fund. I've been lucky enough to be more than just a model monkey early on in my career, but have also been exposed to the stress of being measured on returns. I primarily cover consumer and TMT names. I went the typical path (target...
I'm a Hedge Fund Analyst - Ask Me Anything
Fellow Primates, We are looking for 1-2 students on each campus to help WSO in its sales efforts to student clubs/career centers, and overall promotion at your school both online and on the ground. Below is a description of the position and benefits...thanks in advance for your help! <a...
WSO is Looking for Campus Reps For Summer/Fall 2013 (and beyond)
<em>Mod note: Best of Bankerella - this was originally posted 10/1/12</em> I occasionally get PMed by people at colleges I’ve never heard of before, asking if they have a shot at IBD. Folks, why IBD? The finance world is broad and varied, and there are a million ways to...
My Biggest Career Mistake to Date: Prestige
Someone was asking me about this in PM and I wrote a long and detailed reply about what it is like to work in Big 4 and what advice I would give to people thinking about interning / working there. Thought it might be useful for others so my reply is below. Happy to answer any...
Working In Big 4 Audit in London
<em>Mode note: Blast from the past - "Best of Eddie" - this one is originally from December 2010.</em> Monty09 may have gotten the best plug yet for his <a href="http://energyrodeo.com/">Energy Rodeo</a> in Houston next month, and it came from none...
New York vs. Houston
This is just fantastic. After sitting through Carl Levin and John McCain spewing a bunch of nonsense about how Apple doesn't pay enough taxes (despite being the #3 taxpaying company in America behind ExxonMobil and Chevron), Rand Paul lit them up about what a travesty it was to blame Apple...
Rand Paul GOES OFF at Apple Hearing
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