The douchiest things I ever said: can you top this?IB
There are some segments of the economy in which it takes a douchebag to drive value. (This is unfortunate, but empirically observable.) And Auntie Bankerella is worried.
See, over the years I’ve seen douchebaggery decline little-by-little, both on WSO and in my work life. You young monkeys currently entering the prime of your douche years are just not as douchy as we were back in the day.
I’m not saying it’s your fault. Few people achieve their full potential of douchiness naturally; it’s something most of us learn by emulation. Which means my generation hasn’t properly schooled you guys.
Yeah, I could make excuses. The economy hasn’t been douche-friendly, most of the really legendary douches who were our role models are either disgraced or in jail, yadda yadda.
But the truth is that we dropped the doucheball, and I apologize.
However, this week you’re in luck. I’m feeling confessional.
During the prime of my own douchehood, I apparently found it necessary to record all the douchebag stuff I was doing and saying. I was reading through this crap recently and the first thing I thought was, “I need to build a time machine and go back and shoot myself at age 21.” The second thing was, “Actually, this stuff is educational. And it would be kind of funny if I were somebody else.”
So despite my desire to stop reading, erase my hard drive, tie it to a brick, and drop it in the Hudson, I have instead pulled out the statements that made me cringe the hardest. (The things I do for the next generation. Don’t say I never gave you guys anything.)
Want to be a Master of the Universe? Read on. Get in touch with your inner douchebag. Break out the Vineyard Vines and clip that phone back on your belt (behind one hip at a casual angle, natch). Stand up tall and brush your shoulders off.
Then I want you guys to get out there and douche like the Dow just closed above 12,000 (or 10,000, or 2,000) for the first time. (That’s 2006, 1999, and 1987: perhaps the three finest vintages of douchebag in the history of Wall Street.) Go forth and make Auntie Bankerella proud.
(Did I ever actually say this stuff? Sadly, yes. I either spoke or typed these words to friends or family at some point in my college and analyst years. Did anyone ever tell me I was a douchebag? No. Guess they didn’t think they needed to.)
- To boyfriend: “I’ve got twelve interviews this week. I’m sorry, but eleven of them are higher-priority than you.” (Surprisingly, boyfriend did not dump me.)
- As a regular at a trendy restaurant: “No octopus carpaccio? Again? This is the third time, Jared.”
- At the gym, ten seconds into a call from a friend: “By the way, it’s nothing personal, but I don’t get off the elliptical for anybody.”
- Standard douchy conversation-opener at bars and parties: “So what do you do?”
- On the way to work, speaking to Japanese tourists taking pictures of her and saying Waaru-Sutreeto ga...: “Jesus Christ, people. Wall Street is in the OTHER DIRECTION. Wakarimasu ka? Go downtown and take pictures of the guys from and get in their way, mmkay?”
- On politics: “Greenspan for President!”
- “All I want for Christmas is a black leather holster for my Bluetooth earpiece.”
- “I’m not taking advice from anyone who keeps stuffed animals on her desk.”
- “I went into a regular supermarket yesterday. I saw peanut butter and jelly in the same jar. Biscuits in a can. Frozen food in little paper trays. How shitty does your life have to be?” (FYI, I now purchase all three of these products.)
- To teammate at 3 : “There ain’t no “Guide to Being a Happy and Virtuous Investment Banker.” You get through the next two years, you can write that book yourself. I’ll buy ten copies. Until then, I’m gonna be down on 14 showing my cleavage to Manuel and Jorge [in the print shop] so we can get out of here before the sun comes up.”
- E-mail in response to alumni fundraiser: “Of course [School] has my gratitude. It also has my quarter-million dollars. I feel this concludes our business.”
HTH. Anybody got any others they can add?